Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was the offense directly related to the phone? If not, not sure why you would confiscate the phone.

NP We have rules in our house that, if not followed, result in our kids losing their phones. The rules are not directly related to phone use. A phone is a privilege that must be earned. Not meeting certain behavioral expectations, which may or may not be directly related to the phone, results in lost privileges.

That makes zero sense. Try better tying consequences to behavior.

NP. It makes perfect sense, except to parenting flakes who believe that everything should relate to "natural consequences."

I agree with PP. A phone is a privilege. It is the one carrot that I can hold over my kids' heads that I know will have an impact on them. Losing it can be tied to any form of misbehavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was the offense directly related to the phone? If not, not sure why you would confiscate the phone.

NP We have rules in our house that, if not followed, result in our kids losing their phones. The rules are not directly related to phone use. A phone is a privilege that must be earned. Not meeting certain behavioral expectations, which may or may not be directly related to the phone, results in lost privileges.

That makes zero sense. Try better tying consequences to behavior.

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes the consequence wa directly related with the phone. She was FaceTiming at 1:30am and we have a rule that all phones must be on the chargers downstairs by 11pm on weekend. She took advantage that we were busy helping her 13yr old brother with a school assignment most of the evening and weren’t monitoring her phone usage. She’s better today but did spend most of the night crying and is very tired today. She says she didn’t know it was so late, and it was accident. (Really? Your phone is a clock)

to be fair, when I was teen I talked on the phone for hours and sometimes my mom would tell me that I had been on the phone for 3 or 4 hours and I would say "really???" It never seemed like that long and I am sure that I talked to midnight and later at times.

Op here, yes the consequence wa directly related with the phone. She was FaceTiming at 1:30am and we have a rule that all phones must be on the chargers downstairs by 11pm on weekend. She took advantage that we were busy helping her 13yr old brother with a school assignment most of the evening and weren’t monitoring her phone usage. She’s better today but did spend most of the night crying and is very tired today. She says she didn’t know it was so late, and it was accident. (Really? Your phone is a clock)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It sounds like she spends too much time on her phone. When she is calm, remind her that your actions were absolutely fair in that you set a rule and a clear consequence and she is responsible for choosing to break the rule, not you. Then have a conversation with her about what was really underlying this. I'd suspect that she has some insecurities about her status in her group of friends and that this was fueling her actions. Try to get her to identify what was going on. Then i would tell her that you see she is clearly developing an unhealthy dependence on her phone, as evidenced by the fact she can't be without it for a day, and that you will be instituting additional phone free hours until she proves she can better self regulate.

All of this interference will just cause her to really want to punch you in the face. Rightly so.
Read all of this again and then imagine that someone is speaking to you this way and treating you this way.

Well, I've got two lovely teenage kids who I have a great relationship with so the proof is in the pudding. I don't see it as interference to have a calm discussion about their irrational behavior when it occurs, nor will I fail to call them out when they try to shift blame for their own bad decisions. I work with college students and see the consequences that come from parents who never correct their teens or make them own their decisions. I also see the negative impact of smart phone addiction.

The fact that your impulse is to want to punch me in the face says more about you and your inability to regulate your own emotions then it tries about my approach.

Anonymous wrote:Was the offense directly related to the phone? If not, not sure why you would confiscate the phone.

NP We have rules in our house that, if not followed, result in our kids losing their phones. The rules are not directly related to phone use. A phone is a privilege that must be earned. Not meeting certain behavioral expectations, which may or may not be directly related to the phone, results in lost privileges.

Anonymous wrote:She is likely overtired and sleep deprived, too. It isn't about you. Let her calm down and sleep. Eat well in the morning. Teens have crazy brains.

This, plus hormones.

Just ignore it OP. Remember when she was 2?

This is one of the principal reasons why I sent mine to a sleepaway camp with no phone for several weeks every summer and another day camp that collects phones at the beginning of the day and returns them at the end.

I know someone will chime in and say, “You are so dumb. The kids sneak in their phones.” And, yes, increasingly, there are one or two kids at sleepaway camp every year who sneak in a phone. Most years they get found and confiscated. If they don’t, frankly, the kids all know who they are and the phone kids either get over the phone and integrate with camp or they don’t and they have less fun at camp and often don’t return. At day camp, there is a pretty solid community buy in about the phone policy so it is really rare that someone purposefully breaks it.

Normal teen behavior. But also a sign that she is addicted to her cell phone. In fact, as a mom of 16 year old DD, I can tell you it is a real addiction. Not only do they act like they are high on drugs, but all my DDs driving friends are on it while driving. It is a major issue. I still drive DD to school and events and I see all her friends, that she wants to drive her... on their cell phones at red lights, everywhere. And not only them their parents too. I hate cell phoned, absolutely hate them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was the offense directly related to the phone? If not, not sure why you would confiscate the phone.

Did you read at all? Try the VERY FIRST sentence of op’s post.

Given that OP posted at 2 am, I'd imagine OP's child was caught using the phone after curfew!

Which explains tantrum behavior.

My kids get kind of zombie-like when they’ve been staring at a screen too long (and I’m not holier than thou enough to pretend it hasn’t happened plenty times). I bet it’s thatnplus so late & ov retired.

Anonymous wrote:On Snapchat, she is likely upset that she will break all her streaks of replying to friends. (I had to roll my eyes when I learned about this from my DC, who at the time had ~20 streaks longer than 6 months with various friends.)

This is a good point. Something could be very important to your child, even though it isn't important AT ALL to us as adults.

If this is what is going on, I'd ask about it and empathize, but then let my child know that as a parent, I do not value Snapstreaks, and let me tell you why. They encourage an unhealthy use and dependency on smartphones. When she goes off to college she can engage in these things, but I don't support them in a teenager living at home (same as I feel about sex for teens!)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was the offense directly related to the phone? If not, not sure why you would confiscate the phone.

Did you read at all? Try the VERY FIRST sentence of op’s post.

Given that OP posted at 2 am, I'd imagine OP's child was caught using the phone after curfew!

Anonymous wrote:Was the offense directly related to the phone? If not, not sure why you would confiscate the phone.

Did you read at all? Try the VERY FIRST sentence of op’s post.

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t think we adults understand the level to which these phones have become central to teens’ lives. It’s truly scary and I think your DD’s uncharacteristic outburst is witness to it. Absolutely these streaks and ongoing group chats have taken on far too much importance. They simply cant imagine being out of the proverbial loop for more time than necessary and certainly they tie their social status to the messaging they do.

I think you need to let her calm down, stick to your guns about the rule and consequence, acknowledge that you understand her feelings but remind her that her reaction to being denied her phone shows you how much she uses it and underscores why you have to have rules about its use.

Omg, if you have teens I’d watch my back - you are one dense witch!

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t think we adults understand the level to which these phones have become central to teens’ lives. It’s truly scary and I think your DD’s uncharacteristic outburst is witness to it. Absolutely these streaks and ongoing group chats have taken on far too much importance. They simply cant imagine being out of the proverbial loop for more time than necessary and certainly they tie their social status to the messaging they do.

I think you need to let her calm down, stick to your guns about the rule and consequence, acknowledge that you understand her feelings but remind her that her reaction to being denied her phone shows you how much she uses it and underscores why you have to have rules about its use.

You’re on yours now and if someone yanked it away you would not ba happy.
But really, teens have much to be a mess about - stop over analyzing the phone thing.
Adults are dense as hell - I feel an adult tantrum coming on now...