Why is this preferable to getting divorced? It sounds miserable. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

I get it, OP. I know someone like this. He's kind of an a-hole, but nice in public, so no one would ever know. Turns out, his father was the same way - never wanted to be with the mother. But in that case, the mother was ditzy and super annoying (just really bumbling and incompetent, with not much to talk about). He grew up in a patriarchal, passive aggressive household that was very antagonistic and usually not very happy. Were your DHs parents like this (avoiding each other), OP?

He's a workaholic with @$$backwards priorities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is having an affair. Do you go visit him at the office once he is there. Does he video-conference you from his office once there? He wants to keep his options open for his affair partner.

No, I'm pretty sure he's not having an affair. I call him sometimes or FaceTime if DD wants and he picks up right away and is always in the office. I've never caught a whiff of anything suspicious.

This makes it sound like you'd care if he had an affair. Just to be clear, if you do a 180 on him and expect him not to stray on you, you're setting yourself up for failure. It's not fair of you to cut your husband out but expect him to remain entirely attached to you. You might not be having sex with someone else but you are still shunning him, so don't expect him to not do the same to you.

He needs to spend time alone with DD. Make plans for the weekend and let him know what time he needs to watch DD. Don’t hire a sitter. Men need alone time with their kids in order to bond and build their parenting confidence. He’ll protest at first, but he’ll get over it.

Don’t monitor his interactions with DD. Let him bond with her the way he wants. Yea, at first it may be something stupid like watching tv. Don’t “help” by laying out outfits or preparing meals ahead of time. HE’ll probably screw up things like meals and outfits/getting ready. It’s okay, don’t point it out. He will figure it out on his own eventually.

My DH was like yours until I stopped caring about his parenting, made time for myself, and let him do his thing. He was stressed at first but eventually figured it out. Now he adores DD and really regrets that he ever saw her as a chore.

Some thoughts -
- get your "me time" during the week and hire a sitter or send your child to full day care a couple of days. Then you hang out with her on the weekend and it won't feel like so much of a burden because you too have had a break. I am willing to bet that your DH already feels like you get a break during the week because you work part time.

- work full time and then split "me time" on the weekend with your DH

- dial back the worry on the lack of "family time" or quality time your DH is spending with your child. It's not a race or competition. Being in a home free of conflict where parents are happy and can joke around and enjoy each other's company is family time for a 3 yr old. Just the consistent stable, happy environment is family time. Museums, plays, even going to the park - they all don't need to be done at the age of 3. and in fact you will find as your kid gets older that many of the things you tried to do when your kid was 3, are actually far more enjoyable for your child because they are older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know he is “pretending to work”?

You mean versus actually working? He is probably doing some work at the office, just not that much, e.g., 2 out of 10 hours. He has a home office and does the same thing, i.e., says he needs to work, closes his door and 9/10 times I walk in, he's reading some blog or news. His workload got lighter since before DD was born, yet he used to never go into the office on the weekends (maybe three times a year) whereas now he goes almost every weekend. When he's actually really busy, he's stressed out and acts a certain way and 95% of the time he goes to the office, he is not like this. I used to work in the same industry/position as him and understand his work and flow very well.

Fine. So he doesn't want to hang out with a child 24/7 on the weekends. Is that a crime? You don't either. Hire a good babysitter, disappear at the appointed times and commit to family togetherness at other times.

Basically, he doesn't want to do any of the parenting. That's not a crime, but it is a cause for disappointment and some serious thought by OP about why she is filling in for his lack of parenting. Basically, she should feel free to outsource the 50% he is not doing and pay for it with family funds. She ought to get back to work ASAP and line up what ever kind of daycare she needs.

Doing the 180/learning not to care means putting your own interests first and not caring what DH thinks. After all, this is what DH is already doing to OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know he is “pretending to work”?

You mean versus actually working? He is probably doing some work at the office, just not that much, e.g., 2 out of 10 hours. He has a home office and does the same thing, i.e., says he needs to work, closes his door and 9/10 times I walk in, he's reading some blog or news. His workload got lighter since before DD was born, yet he used to never go into the office on the weekends (maybe three times a year) whereas now he goes almost every weekend. When he's actually really busy, he's stressed out and acts a certain way and 95% of the time he goes to the office, he is not like this. I used to work in the same industry/position as him and understand his work and flow very well.

Fine. So he doesn't want to hang out with a child 24/7 on the weekends. Is that a crime? You don't either. Hire a good babysitter, disappear at the appointed times and commit to family togetherness at other times.

Anonymous wrote:Like other PPs said.. Don't ask, just do. You've made arrangements to do X, and he is welcome to join, and if not that's OK. Even with things involving tickets -- usually you can buy one at the venue if he needs one.

I'm going to do this. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:How do you know he is “pretending to work”?

You mean versus actually working? He is probably doing some work at the office, just not that much, e.g., 2 out of 10 hours. He has a home office and does the same thing, i.e., says he needs to work, closes his door and 9/10 times I walk in, he's reading some blog or news. His workload got lighter since before DD was born, yet he used to never go into the office on the weekends (maybe three times a year) whereas now he goes almost every weekend. When he's actually really busy, he's stressed out and acts a certain way and 95% of the time he goes to the office, he is not like this. I used to work in the same industry/position as him and understand his work and flow very well.

Anonymous wrote:I would also add, tell him that you are going to do ‘x’ on the weekend and then do it. If he wants to get a babysitter instead of spending time with his daughter, he can sort it out.

That is also a great idea! Thank you.