Anonymous wrote:I wish I had encouraged more time for my DH to be with his parents without me - their own original nuclear family. There was a rare elegant dinner out for MIL's birthday where the rest of us had a touch of the flu and couldn't really go. DH took his Mom to dinner. It was soooo special to her. An evening alone with her son.

That is so sweet!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That everything can be sorted out if you're dealing with rational people.

That nothing you do will ever be enough if you're dealing with crazy people.

The trick is knowing which ones are which, so you know whether to invest effort in to the relationship or not.

In my case, my ILs were rational, and my mother is crazy.

This. My mother is crazy, too. And my in-laws are rational, despite having political views that drive me nuts.
Rule number 1: we don't talk religion or politics. When those topics come up, I find a reason to exit the conversation. They've gotten the message.
Contrary to what others have said, I regret leaving the communications, gift giving, etc. to my husband in the early years. He did a poor job of it, and I didn't get comfortable communicating with them until we were married many years.
My husband, otoh, is a trooper when dealing with my mother...and me, after we've spent a few days with her. He knows I need a soft place to land, and he provides it.

+1 for this. I really think this only serves to reinforce the "your family" versus "my family" divide, and that is not a good thing in my opinion. Much better for it to be "our family".

Anonymous wrote:
That everything can be sorted out if you're dealing with rational people.

That nothing you do will ever be enough if you're dealing with crazy people.

The trick is knowing which ones are which, so you know whether to invest effort in to the relationship or not.

In my case, my ILs were rational, and my mother is crazy.

This. My mother is crazy, too. And my in-laws are rational, despite having political views that drive me nuts.
Rule number 1: we don't talk religion or politics. When those topics come up, I find a reason to exit the conversation. They've gotten the message.
Contrary to what others have said, I regret leaving the communications, gift giving, etc. to my husband in the early years. He did a poor job of it, and I didn't get comfortable communicating with them until we were married many years.
My husband, otoh, is a trooper when dealing with my mother...and me, after we've spent a few days with her. He knows I need a soft place to land, and he provides it.

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had encouraged more time for my DH to be with his parents without me - their own original nuclear family. There was a rare elegant dinner out for MIL's birthday where the rest of us had a touch of the flu and couldn't really go. DH took his Mom to dinner. It was soooo special to her. An evening alone with her son.

I try to do this and it only works if I am out of town. If I don't come for some other reason, it's immediately seen as an act of aggression. Even though I know my MIL would very much enjoy time alone with just my DH.

Anonymous wrote:Remember that first and foremost that they love your spouse, and that you do, too! Secondly, know that usually spousal relationships are better when each spouse at least tries to go along to get along with the in-laws, and this may mean overlooking some serious flaws of theirs (as you may hope that they overlook some serious flaws of yours). Third, know that they love your children, and you do, too! Fourth, remember that they won't be here forever so make the best of what time you have with them. And, finally, know that you cannot control other people, you can only control your reaction to them.

This is great advice.

Anonymous wrote:Give it time.

Care less // lower expectations for the kind of relationship you will have. Aim for cordial, beyond that is bonus.

DH is in charge of communication, scheduling, and gifts with his parents and siblings.

This plus "cheerful and oblivious" is how I cope. Married 8 years, together 13.

What used to trip me up in the beginning was that I would get offended that they didn't KNOW me and weren't even trying to get to know me. This is vastly different from how my side of the family operates. So I'd try to help them get to know me and HOLY SHIT that would backfire. I'd end up with hurt feelings etc. So I stopped and just accepted that they are who they are. Things got better.

The other thing that helped was having kids. My MIL in particular used to focus so much on what DH and I were doing wrong etc. After having kids, we were too busy to care so much what she thought, and she was so delighted by the kids that she forgot to be such a B all the time. She still has her moments (these tendencies don't go away) but seeing how much she really does love my children has helped our relationship.

I don't have any, but I still think of my ex-husband's? mother as mine. She's truly an amazing person! I love her dearly. They live 1,100 miles away but we visit twice every summer, and she came in with my ex-husband and my daughter for Christmas and stayed with us for five days. We had lots of awesome talks, and a lot of fun. She's a lot like me, and she still treats me like I'm family, along with my husband, who she and her husband treat like he's a second son. She's a gem, and one of the greatest things I received from my marriage to my ex-husband besides my kids.

I wish I had encouraged more time for my DH to be with his parents without me - their own original nuclear family. There was a rare elegant dinner out for MIL's birthday where the rest of us had a touch of the flu and couldn't really go. DH took his Mom to dinner. It was soooo special to her. An evening alone with her son.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that first and foremost that they love your spouse, and that you do, too! Secondly, know that usually spousal relationships are better when each spouse at least tries to go along to get along with the in-laws, and this may mean overlooking some serious flaws of theirs (as you may hope that they overlook some serious flaws of yours). Third, know that they love your children, and you do, too! Fourth, remember that they won't be here forever so make the best of what time you have with them. And, finally, know that you cannot control other people, you can only control your reaction to them.

This is very good- My dear dear SIL tried regularly to remind me that it was they who raised our wonderful DHs. Also, I wish I had thought about how my behavior toward them looked to my children (before it was too late - they are dead in their mid sixties and now my kids don't have grandparents)

Oh, this is a good one. I didn't even think of it but it probably is the best!!!

Whenever splitting time between families, set up the schedule, then flip it. For instance,

Write out a list of these holidays/times with husband's family
Write out a list of these holidays/times with wife's family
Now, swap them.

If you are not just as happy with the swap as you were with the original, you're not being fair.

My only 2 issues with them were they are religious and feel the need to push it on others, feel its their purpose to save everyone, the MIL is affectionate which in my family weirds people out my side and if she see's someone in a bad mood she thinks she needs to try to cheer them up which often pisses people off worse. But in many ways she has been a better mom then my biological mom.

Time, time, time.
Time away from them if it annoys you.
Make them cute photo presents of their grandchildren, then back off and do your own thing.
Helps if they speak another language and you don't understand :~)

Honestly, it's a weird relationship but in about 5-7 years you will have adjusted to the dynamic and the norms and you will see them for what they are: older parents who mean well, and who are your family.

I learned to expect nothing from them, they care less about me than my friendly former landlady. I take my cues totally fromy husband who understands this better than I was able for many years.

I adore my inlaws, and we have no conflict at all (DH's family and mine are remarkably similar). But one thing that I think applies to everyone is let your spouse manage the relationship with your inlaws. I made it very clear from the outset (and no one pushed back) that I was not going to be the one maintaining relationships with my husband's family.

Anonymous wrote:Remember that first and foremost that they love your spouse, and that you do, too! Secondly, know that usually spousal relationships are better when each spouse at least tries to go along to get along with the in-laws, and this may mean overlooking some serious flaws of theirs (as you may hope that they overlook some serious flaws of yours). Third, know that they love your children, and you do, too! Fourth, remember that they won't be here forever so make the best of what time you have with them. And, finally, know that you cannot control other people, you can only control your reaction to them.

This is very good- My dear dear SIL tried regularly to remind me that it was they who raised our wonderful DHs. Also, I wish I had thought about how my behavior toward them looked to my children (before it was too late - they are dead in their mid sixties and now my kids don't have grandparents)