Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that his "hmmm" is a learned defense mechanism. Maybe developed in response to you, but more likely developed at a younger age. It's his way of avoiding criticism. If he takes a position, someone might question or challenge him. If he responds with an ambiguous "hmmm," or says something non-descript like "interesting" or "huh!" or "i see," then he cannot be challenged. My partner does that too ... not the "hmmm" specifically but other ways of avoiding revealing any position. It can be very difficult.

OP here: YES YES YES this is my DH and he's foreign.

The trick, at least according to my therapist, is that you have to teach your DH that is OK and safe for him to express viewpoints, and convince him that you won't criticize him. Telling him you find it annoying when he "hmms" or getting mad at him is just criticism that reinforces his sense that he needs to keep his views hidden from you. You need to convince him you won't criticize or find fault with his expression of views. That means you bite your tongue a lot, and learn not to react to whatever he says. If you disagree, you need to express that in a separate conversation, and in a way that shows you respect his viewpoint.

Are you f**ing crazy? He'd say "sorry" and go back to "Hmming" again.

OP - I think your husband is a smart man. Quit nagging him and like another pp said, talk to him about stuff when you see him at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that his "hmmm" is a learned defense mechanism. Maybe developed in response to you, but more likely developed at a younger age. It's his way of avoiding criticism. If he takes a position, someone might question or challenge him. If he responds with an ambiguous "hmmm," or says something non-descript like "interesting" or "huh!" or "i see," then he cannot be challenged. My partner does that too ... not the "hmmm" specifically but other ways of avoiding revealing any position. It can be very difficult.

OP here: YES YES YES this is my DH and he's foreign.

The trick, at least according to my therapist, is that you have to teach your DH that is OK and safe for him to express viewpoints, and convince him that you won't criticize him. Telling him you find it annoying when he "hmms" or getting mad at him is just criticism that reinforces his sense that he needs to keep his views hidden from you. You need to convince him you won't criticize or find fault with his expression of views. That means you bite your tongue a lot, and learn not to react to whatever he says. If you disagree, you need to express that in a separate conversation, and in a way that shows you respect his viewpoint.

Anonymous wrote:Take a month off from texting him- then see what his response is after that. It may be getting old to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When Wesley said, "As you wish," he actually meant "I love you."

It sounds like your husband texts "hmmm" instead of "I don't give a fu@$."

Is it wrong that I find princess bride references from women extremely sexy?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that his "hmmm" is a learned defense mechanism. Maybe developed in response to you, but more likely developed at a younger age. It's his way of avoiding criticism. If he takes a position, someone might question or challenge him. If he responds with an ambiguous "hmmm," or says something non-descript like "interesting" or "huh!" or "i see," then he cannot be challenged. My partner does that too ... not the "hmmm" specifically but other ways of avoiding revealing any position. It can be very difficult.

OP here: YES YES YES this is my DH and he's foreign.

Anonymous wrote:When Wesley said, "As you wish," he actually meant "I love you."

It sounds like your husband texts "hmmm" instead of "I don't give a fu@$."

Anonymous wrote:When I say hmm or text hmm it gives some time for me to think but DH basically responds hmm to everything. I will tell him something and then expect empathy and instead he hmm's me. He will also say sorry I was busy so I didn't have time to focus. How hard is it to text sorry instead of hmm. I know this sounds a little stupid but I needed to vent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's learned behaviour. I'm guessing in the past if he's said more than "hmmm" you've made it clear it was the wrong response.

I have told him it bothers me and he always apologizes but keeps doing the same thing. This will be a conversation with him for example:

ME: My dad may fly in next weekend to visit us
DH: Hmmm

ME: I sent you an email with a car I like. Do you like the car?
DH: Hmmm

ME: DD has diarrhoea
DH: Hmmm

ME: Would you like to go to the farmers market or blah blah event Saturday?
DH: Hmmm

Seriously this is not a joke. He hmm's all the time.

Agree that his "hmmm" is a learned defense mechanism. Maybe developed in response to you, but more likely developed at a younger age. It's his way of avoiding criticism. If he takes a position, someone might question or challenge him. If he responds with an ambiguous "hmmm," or says something non-descript like "interesting" or "huh!" or "i see," then he cannot be challenged. My partner does that too ... not the "hmmm" specifically but other ways of avoiding revealing any position. It can be very difficult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's learned behaviour. I'm guessing in the past if he's said more than "hmmm" you've made it clear it was the wrong response.

I have told him it bothers me and he always apologizes but keeps doing the same thing. This will be a conversation with him for example:

ME: My dad may fly in next weekend to visit us
DH: Hmmm

ME: I sent you an email with a car I like. Do you like the car?
DH: Hmmm

ME: DD has diarrhoea
DH: Hmmm

ME: Would you like to go to the farmers market or blah blah event Saturday?
DH: Hmmm

Seriously this is not a joke. He hmm's all the time.

Anonymous wrote:You need to DTMF. My ex always did this. It was so annoying OP. Dump him and never look back. My guy says LOL now and it's so much better. There are plenty of guys out there who do not hmmm!