Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband used to, but he’s come to realize that his dad is a narcissist so he really doesn’t get caught up in FIL’s crap any more.

OP here. Thank you for the recent educated responses and experiences. NPD is definitely at play here (along with triangulation and a myriad of other dysfunction). The family needs someone to hate on. Period. It is as sad as it sounds, especially because DH keeps doing and doing for them, and it is all the same hate - of course, always toward DH. It is hurtful, wrong and debilitating. I swear they are jealous of him, but he wants to please them - he doesn't understand what a healthy family looks like.

Husband is like this. I nearly destroyed me and the marriage, legally, financially and otherwise. Get out. I'm serious.

Anonymous wrote:H comes from a loving and generally healthy family and he does this too. MIL is a sweet and decent person, but prone to anxiety. When I was giving birth to our first child H was on the phone with his mom constantly reassuring her, while I was struggling and could use some comforting. We actually fought over it and he didn't think he did anything wrong. Last year we were planning to visit his mom out of town for 3 days before Christmas and then be home on Christmas day with my mom, who's local and undergoing chemo. MIL sighed and fussed about missing us on the holiday itself and H immediately asked me if we could change our plans to stay longer with his mom, which means leaving my sick mom alone! I had to put my foot down but the fact that he would even ask is chilling to my heart.

IMO, based on what you wrote, it sounds like he does not come from a healthy family. Your MIL sounds like mine, and she and your DH have some issues. Sounds like NPD and my guess is, your DH has not established boundaries (seems unaware of the need for them) and sounds susceptible to her guilt trips. It will only get worse if you don't establish boundaries and nip this in the bud with DH now. (She is probably doing it even more now because you and the child take his attention away from her.) . In my experience, I was a mere vessel for her DGC - assuming it's like my situation, then you are an outsider in her mind, and, what's more, you are the one who stole her son. She likely only cares for her offspring because she thinks they are either an extension of her or here on earth to serve her needs....Below are a couple of links that might help you sort this out in your mind, deal with it. The more you allow them to cross boundaries the faster the boundaries chip away. My bet is that your mom's illness also poses a threat to MIL because, again, it takes attention away from her. There are lots of other articles out there that provide some guidance on setting boundaries, etc. Good luck - this can be managed, but DH has to get a backbone.

https://narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/category/how-npd-mil-affects-a-marriage/

https://www.barendspsychology.com/narcissistic-mother-in-law/

No. My husband has always established and enforced appropriate boundaries with his family of origin. I never would have married a mama's boy or someone who prioritized his parents over me. Did your husband's behave like this when you were dating, or did it become more apparent over time?

Lol. No. And I’m always trying to get him to do more for them like just a simple call home to ask how they’re doing. They live 20 min from us and we don’t even see them once/month.

My DH has leaned in this direction but it has gotten better over time. MIL has NPD and I suspect Borderline as well. She trained her kids to do anything she asks, or else they get the guilt trip which none of the kids learned to nip in the bud. My DF has a similar profile and I learned as a child (luckily) how to tune out the bogus guilt tripping. Had to teach DH how to set boundaries even though it had us at odds, esp in the beginning. Had to show him what normal looked like. (My parents were divorced, so I did know normal despite my DF...) . Good luck - look up NPD and for tips...

Anonymous wrote:H comes from a loving and generally healthy family and he does this too. MIL is a sweet and decent person, but prone to anxiety. When I was giving birth to our first child H was on the phone with his mom constantly reassuring her, while I was struggling and could use some comforting. We actually fought over it and he didn't think he did anything wrong. Last year we were planning to visit his mom out of town for 3 days before Christmas and then be home on Christmas day with my mom, who's local and undergoing chemo. MIL sighed and fussed about missing us on the holiday itself and H immediately asked me if we could change our plans to stay longer with his mom, which means leaving my sick mom alone! I had to put my foot down but the fact that he would even ask is chilling to my heart.

OP here, To this PP: you are a better person than I - your Mil is needy!

Anonymous wrote:H comes from a loving and generally healthy family and he does this too. MIL is a sweet and decent person, but prone to anxiety. When I was giving birth to our first child H was on the phone with his mom constantly reassuring her, while I was struggling and could use some comforting. We actually fought over it and he didn't think he did anything wrong. Last year we were planning to visit his mom out of town for 3 days before Christmas and then be home on Christmas day with my mom, who's local and undergoing chemo. MIL sighed and fussed about missing us on the holiday itself and H immediately asked me if we could change our plans to stay longer with his mom, which means leaving my sick mom alone! I had to put my foot down but the fact that he would even ask is chilling to my heart.

Maybe he needed MIL's reassurance more than she needed his Men tend to freak out way more about these things.

H comes from a loving and generally healthy family and he does this too. MIL is a sweet and decent person, but prone to anxiety. When I was giving birth to our first child H was on the phone with his mom constantly reassuring her, while I was struggling and could use some comforting. We actually fought over it and he didn't think he did anything wrong. Last year we were planning to visit his mom out of town for 3 days before Christmas and then be home on Christmas day with my mom, who's local and undergoing chemo. MIL sighed and fussed about missing us on the holiday itself and H immediately asked me if we could change our plans to stay longer with his mom, which means leaving my sick mom alone! I had to put my foot down but the fact that he would even ask is chilling to my heart.

Anonymous wrote:I think men who come from healthy families experience this too. DH does absolutely everything his family wants or asks. Stay with his family for 6 days for Thanksgiving when we see them ever month (and we have an infant and a toddler who can't sleep there)? Why not! Visit his family the first weekend he's home from 6 weeks away because they missed him? Yes!

He doesn't care about the discomfort of his family or the lack of nuclear family time when he's giving into his parents. His parents have reasonable demands, but he needs to put nuclear family first. I tell my parents no all the time.

I think broadly that sons are raised to just go along with plans that are made by women.

Really? DHs family was extremely patriarchal, and the kids always came second. FIL despised being around his wife and kids, and was away more often than not. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, no questions asked. What a terrible way to live! MIL shows enormous evidence of being treated accordingly - she didn't matter, and she is PISSED. She subscribes to the "what I want, when I want" sentiment, as a result - you say black, she says white, for the sake of it. Everyone was constantly at each other, in passive aggressive ways, and when you are around them, you can cut the air with a knife. They don't like each other, yet get together for a sort of strange bragging rights or something. People show up for an hour, then bolt, maybe 2-3x per year. Which is fine, but why try to please people like this? DH really feels the ramifications (sort of a shunning) when he doesn't do what they want. They are cold people to begin with, so WTH is the difference? The ILs regularly opt out, for obvious reasons. Do we have to do this painful charade? Just one example.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband used to, but he’s come to realize that his dad is a narcissist so he really doesn’t get caught up in FIL’s crap any more.

OP here. Thank you for the recent educated responses and experiences. NPD is definitely at play here (along with triangulation and a myriad of other dysfunction). The family needs someone to hate on. Period. It is as sad as it sounds, especially because DH keeps doing and doing for them, and it is all the same hate - of course, always toward DH. It is hurtful, wrong and debilitating. I swear they are jealous of him, but he wants to please them - he doesn't understand what a healthy family looks like.

PP you quoted—FIL seems to be getting worse with age, too. Just turned 80 and lives in his own reality where he is some sort of wise patriarch DH should listen to on everything and so what if he’s gotten himself into 20K in credit card debt and refuses to sell a house he and his wife (who is in mental and physical decline and needs to be in assisted living) can’t afford. We keep helping and there’s no gratitude.

Anonymous wrote:I think men who come from healthy families experience this too. DH does absolutely everything his family wants or asks. Stay with his family for 6 days for Thanksgiving when we see them ever month (and we have an infant and a toddler who can't sleep there)? Why not! Visit his family the first weekend he's home from 6 weeks away because they missed him? Yes!

He doesn't care about the discomfort of his family or the lack of nuclear family time when he's giving into his parents. His parents have reasonable demands, but he needs to put nuclear family first. I tell my parents no all the time.

I think broadly that sons are raised to just go along with plans that are made by women.

Yep. but he should put his family of origin AFTER his own spouse and children. Sheesh.