I married my ex after he did tons of work to win me back. But never really feel like I can totally let my hair down without him wondering what else is out there. I would tell my daughter to do a better job next time if she has regrets and move on with a clean slate to someone else. Marriage is for life and even if the break up was short, it will always be in the back of your mind somewhere.

This Gus is sending up red flags all over the place. Trust your gut here, it’s spot on.

So the next time work stresses him out, he can ghost you again?

Anonymous wrote:I don't trust my intuition when it comes to men. Historically, it has been a terrible gauge. I grew up in a volatile household, and despite therapy and many self-help books, am still learning what healthy love and relationships look like.

I feel this man is being manipulative, and coming back into my life not out of love, but maybe bc of some sort of manipulative control thing. The people I know in loving relationships never went through something like this, that I know of. It makes me weary of him. But I do still care about and like him very much.

Your intuition is always right. Just by the fact that you posted this message, says that your intuition is telling you not to trust him. It sounds like you are trying to justify going back.

Anonymous wrote:I know of at least two strong marriages going on 20+ years that had a pre-engagement break up. I think if really depends on what caused the break up and what caused the return. In the two situations I refer to, both broke up due to fear of commitment and the return was caused by getting over that totally normal fear.

adding ... and +1 on 12:20, both involved a lot of discussion and introspection at both the break up and the reunion.

I know of at least two strong marriages going on 20+ years that had a pre-engagement break up. I think if really depends on what caused the break up and what caused the return. In the two situations I refer to, both broke up due to fear of commitment and the return was caused by getting over that totally normal fear.

The same issues that cause the break up in the first place are usually still in place. No, 2nd chances usually end badly.

Anonymous wrote:His reasons are bogus and ridiculous, and his behavior has told you everything you need to know - he can’t be trusted.

+1. Depends on why you broke up and in your case, no, a second chance won’t work. He showed you who he is so believe him, a disrespectful, untrustworthy,.... classless JERK.

A friend of mine married a man who cheated on her while they were dating. She caught him in the bed with the OW. They're sort of happily-ish married now with kids and have been married for 10 yrs. Her husband seems like a decent guy from what I can tell. She said after he cheated, she stopped talking to him, and he begged for her to come back via letters in the mailbox and dinner. It worked and she's happy-ish with her choice now, or at least has made peace with it.

This makes me wonder what should be the gauge for second chances? It's all so confusing. I have some friends who say accept no transgressions, and others who say give another chance. How do I decide??

Anonymous wrote:I gave someone a second chance. We are married now. But he did not ghost me or bombard me. We had conversations around both the breakup and the process of taking another chance. He was introspective, respectful and understood how much he had hurt me. This guy doesn't sound like he's really done any of that.

What lead to the initial breakup?

I gave someone a second chance. We are married now. But he did not ghost me or bombard me. We had conversations around both the breakup and the process of taking another chance. He was introspective, respectful and understood how much he had hurt me. This guy doesn't sound like he's really done any of that.

Anonymous wrote:If he had broken up eith you the proper way then I would say yes, give him a second chance but in this case it’s a no. He sounds too extreme, euther he disappeares or bombards you with attention, not a good sign!

You know, this is a really good point about the extremes. Thanks for pointing that out. That's definitely not a healthy dynamic, the super hot then super cold.

He's lying. Go back and read your post about his excuse again. Then read between the lines. Then cut your losses and move on.

If he had broken up eith you the proper way then I would say yes, give him a second chance but in this case it’s a no. He sounds too extreme, euther he disappeares or bombards you with attention, not a good sign!

His reasons are bogus and ridiculous, and his behavior has told you everything you need to know - he can’t be trusted.