Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Really? What is OP supposed to do for that family? The OW should've thought about all that.

Nothing. She’s still not earning anything from me and probably others, so keep it moving, Betrayed Wife. OP has NO empathy for the others her own bastard damaged and theirs is SO bad and arguably worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Really? What is OP supposed to do for that family? The OW should've thought about all that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

OP here. Thank you for this. FWIW, I asked him and he came clean with as much detail as I wanted. He feels awful, can't sleep, realizes he has betrayed his best buddy AND his wife in one fell swoop.

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

OP here. Thank you for this. FWIW, I asked him and he came clean with as much detail as I wanted. He feels awful, can't sleep, realizes he has betrayed his best buddy AND his wife in one fell swoop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday my husband of 13 years admitted to having feelings for another woman, and to cheating with her twice. She is his best friend’s wife, no less. We have two children under age 8. I am early 40s, he is early 50s. We are starting therapy soon. We both want to save the marriage, and he says he is sorry and regrets what happened, and while he still has feelings for her, he does not want to be with her in the future. They have cut off communication while she tries to save her marriage (she has three kids) and he, his. He has been friends with this woman for 30 years but they only recently got physically intimate.

Our intimacy had dwindled gradually over the years but we rarely spoke about it. We have sex about once a week but for me it has been maintenance sex, for him, he resents that I was going through the motions. Avoiding addressing intimacy issues was a two way street for years and I think led to what happened. But he does not blame me, he takes full responsibility for his actions.

We are a smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight. We are financially secure, good looking, vibrant people that look like what others might want to be. We are excellent co-parents. We care for each other very much. I am happy with our life, home, and family and do not want to break up. I just want him to get over his feelings for her, refocus on me, and make an effort. What surprises me is that I have reacted very calmly to this news, as if deep down, I suspected this might happen, and with her in particular. Above all I am disappointed in him for making such stupid, selfish choices. This is not the good judgment I thought he had. I am so sad that he did not talk to me, or seek help, before acting this way.

Please tell me that people can work through this kind of situation and come out happy on the other side. I do not want to start over with somebody else. I love him and want to rebuild trust and intimacy. But am I a fool to think this will work out?

If there is a God your husbands "best friend" will beat his a55 and toss his wife out. As a man, i would say you are in a tough position because, your husband is not only a cheater, he is a weasel p.o.s. Double the sliminess broke trust of two people st once.

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday my husband of 13 years admitted to having feelings for another woman, and to cheating with her twice. She is his best friend’s wife, no less. We have two children under age 8. I am early 40s, he is early 50s. We are starting therapy soon. We both want to save the marriage, and he says he is sorry and regrets what happened, and while he still has feelings for her, he does not want to be with her in the future. They have cut off communication while she tries to save her marriage (she has three kids) and he, his. He has been friends with this woman for 30 years but they only recently got physically intimate.

Our intimacy had dwindled gradually over the years but we rarely spoke about it. We have sex about once a week but for me it has been maintenance sex, for him, he resents that I was going through the motions. Avoiding addressing intimacy issues was a two way street for years and I think led to what happened. But he does not blame me, he takes full responsibility for his actions.

We are a smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight. We are financially secure, good looking, vibrant people that look like what others might want to be. We are excellent co-parents. We care for each other very much. I am happy with our life, home, and family and do not want to break up. I just want him to get over his feelings for her, refocus on me, and make an effort. What surprises me is that I have reacted very calmly to this news, as if deep down, I suspected this might happen, and with her in particular. Above all I am disappointed in him for making such stupid, selfish choices. This is not the good judgment I thought he had. I am so sad that he did not talk to me, or seek help, before acting this way.

Please tell me that people can work through this kind of situation and come out happy on the other side. I do not want to start over with somebody else. I love him and want to rebuild trust and intimacy. But am I a fool to think this will work out?

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage will never be the same. But, if he does the work, figures out why he is a selfish asshole (I put myself in that category, too), and is totally transparent, it is possible to recover.

But, as I said, your marriage will never be the same.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. I suggest reading chumplady.com
Every page
Best of luck.