Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 12:23     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Anonymous wrote:These people sound exactly like my FIL (my inlaws have been divorced 30+ years and my MIL is now deceased). I’ve known my DH and my FIL for over 20 years now. We too thought things would get better when we had kids. Our kids are FIL’s ONLY grandchildren. He doesn’t give a sh@t about them. He is still verbally abusive to my DH and me. He is completely indifferent to my children (doesn’t care about birthdays (he probably doesn’t even know when they are), holidays, milestones, their personalities, anything). He will give my DH the silent treatment for months over perceived slights. He scams money from us. He’s super racist. He’s super sexist. He’s called me a b@tch, a c@nt, told my DH to divorce me, called my 9 year old fat (she’s actually in the 35% for weight and 75 for height, so WTF) to her face, etc.

Abusive people like this will never, ever change. Don’t sell your soul. A promised paid for college education is not worth it, and IMO I bet they wouldn’t follow through anyway. They will screw you over in the end. Get your DH in therapy, don’t engage with the inlaws at all.

On a side note, you said your DH was the nonfavorite child, so I assume there is at least one sibling. How is DH’s relationship with that sibling and that sibling with the inlaws?

There is one sibling, a brother. My DH strongly dislikes him and hasn't spoken to him in 20 years (I don't know the full scope of things, but it seems like DH's sibling saw how DH was treated by his parents and then joined in). DH has no inclination to interact with him ever again and that is fine with me. The in-laws are constantly bringing up the golden child brother and guilting DH for not wanting to interact with him. Our kids are the in-laws' only grandchildren.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 12:17     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
These people sound exactly like my FIL (my inlaws have been divorced 30+ years and my MIL is now deceased). I’ve known my DH and my FIL for over 20 years now. We too thought things would get better when we had kids. Our kids are FIL’s ONLY grandchildren. He doesn’t give a sh@t about them. He is still verbally abusive to my DH and me. He is completely indifferent to my children (doesn’t care about birthdays (he probably doesn’t even know when they are), holidays, milestones, their personalities, anything). He will give my DH the silent treatment for months over perceived slights. He scams money from us. He’s super racist. He’s super sexist. He’s called me a b@tch, a c@nt, told my DH to divorce me, called my 9 year old fat (she’s actually in the 35% for weight and 75 for height, so WTF) to her face, etc.

Abusive people like this will never, ever change. Don’t sell your soul. A promised paid for college education is not worth it, and IMO I bet they wouldn’t follow through anyway. They will screw you over in the end. Get your DH in therapy, don’t engage with the inlaws at all.

On a side note, you said your DH was the nonfavorite child, so I assume there is at least one sibling. How is DH’s relationship with that sibling and that sibling with the inlaws?
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 12:13     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Anonymous wrote:Would it be a mistake for me to share this link with my husband? I really think he has no idea how f'ed up this whole thing is and it might help for him to know that people other than me think it's wrong. He will tell me from time to time how much he loves my parents and marvels that they are so nice to him "even though they have no reason to be nice." [u]


Oh, OP, the statement in bold here is profoundly sad. Your DH does not know how normal people act because he was raised in such dysfunction. He doesn't know that he deserves to be treated decently--not just decently, but well. He was raised to think otherwise and to assume no one has "reason" to be kind to him because he parents weren't. I really, really hope this horrid visit will encourage him to get help ASAP for himself while also making him see that his own children need to be raised away from the people who damaged him. His concern for what other relatives think of him speaks volumes about how much he feels he needs approval (even if he doesn't see it that way himself). This could be a turning point in his life, and a positive one, if he can get the right help now--while the realization that his parents are awful is still clear in his mind.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 12:11     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here... I guess my DH thought that his parents would realize the importance of family once they met their grandkids. It just hit us yesterday that that is not happening. I think part of him was hoping there would be a change in his relationship with them, too. And the last part of the equation is that his parents are very wealthy and they have said they would like to provide for our kids college education (we are not wealthy). I think in the end his parents will give my DH and my kids nothing anyway, and this is all just some sick power struggle. I just don't understand how people can be this way... I could never treat my kids like that.

I asked my DH why he's afraid to cut his parents off and he said that in the past when he hasn't spoken to them they have relentlessly bad mouthed him to his relatives age that his relatives believed his parents. I guess that's just the price we'll have to pay.

I definitely would not depend on them paying for your kids college.


Me neither, and even if they WOULD the money is NOT. WORTH. YOUR. CHILDREN'S. MENTAL. AND. EMOTIONAL. HEALTH.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 12:08     Subject: Re:My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Anonymous wrote:It’s time for you to be the mama bear and protect your children from these people.

You say you don’t want to deny your children a relationship with their grandparents.

Listen to me-I’m telling you that you are OBLIGATED to do this as their mother.

I also think one or both of the parents have narcissistic personality disorder. Your son is the scape goat. Check out the reddit forum “raised by narcissists”.

If he wants to carry on some kind of relationship with his parents, I don’t know that you can stop your DH, but he does it on his own, with no involvement of you or your children.


Truer words never spoken. Please do not let the abuse continue to another generation.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 12:07     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Anonymous wrote:What I would do is end all contact. Why would you want to have a relationship with these terrible people?

There are terrible people in the world. If you have the bad luck to be born into a family where they exist, that's sad. But once you reach adult hood you are free to choose.

I'd get DH into therapy to resolve his lingering issues with being rejected but, I would not see them anymore.


Yes x100000. People do not change without hard work and the will to be different. Do NOT subject yourselves or your children to these people anymore.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 12:06     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Don't subject your kids to these insane jerks.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 12:04     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Anonymous wrote:Would it be a mistake for me to share this link with my husband? I really think he has no idea how f'ed up this whole thing is and it might help for him to know that people other than me think it's wrong. He will tell me from time to time how much he loves my parents and marvels that they are so nice to him "even though they have no reason to be nice."


Only you can answer that. Is he ready to be open to discussing the visit?

I'm the al-anon poster-- I think he and you would also benefit by just reading about how alcoholism affects families. When you can think of them as having a disease instead of being hateful people, it makes managing the relationship much easier.

Some links:
https://www.thecabinchiangmai.com/personality-traits-and-characteristics-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics/

http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List#2

http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-ACAIs

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/first-steps-al-anon-recovery/
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 11:58     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Al-anon might be something you, or preferably he, could go to to see that he is not alone in being treated this way by parents. It's not him, it's them, truly. But if you grow up this way, it doesn't allow you to see it. It might also be less of a hurdle to get him to go to than individual therapy--though that should happen too.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 11:56     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Would it be a mistake for me to share this link with my husband? I really think he has no idea how f'ed up this whole thing is and it might help for him to know that people other than me think it's wrong. He will tell me from time to time how much he loves my parents and marvels that they are so nice to him "even though they have no reason to be nice."
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 11:56     Subject: Re:My in-laws cause my family so much depression
It’s time for you to be the mama bear and protect your children from these people.

You say you don’t want to deny your children a relationship with their grandparents.

Listen to me-I’m telling you that you are OBLIGATED to do this as their mother.

I also think one or both of the parents have narcissistic personality disorder. Your son is the scape goat. Check out the reddit forum “raised by narcissists”.

If he wants to carry on some kind of relationship with his parents, I don’t know that you can stop your DH, but he does it on his own, with no involvement of you or your children.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 11:56     Subject: Re:My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Anonymous wrote:Op, sounds like they are alcoholics. None of your "story" matters. None of your future "stories" will matter. None of your past "stories" matter. All that matter is this: alcoholics are unreasonable people. Unreasonable people can't be reasoned with. Stop trying to figure anything out beyond this - - Remove your family from the presence of alcoholics.


This.

OP, you and DH should go to an al-anon meeting. It's free and easy and you don't have to do or say anything if you don't want to. DH surely needs therapy, but a great first step may also be for him to know that he is not alone and that what his parents are doing and have done is not his fault and is not unique.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 11:49     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Why on earth is he (and you) trying to have a normal, loving relationship with alcoholics who have systematically abused him for DECADES?!

Doesn't he think he's worth more than that? Stop dealing with them. In every form. Don't answer calls, block them on all social media, change the locks if needed, etc. DH can spend his newfound free time going to therapy to build up his self esteem.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 11:48     Subject: Re:My in-laws cause my family so much depression
Op, sounds like they are alcoholics. None of your "story" matters. None of your future "stories" will matter. None of your past "stories" matter. All that matter is this: alcoholics are unreasonable people. Unreasonable people can't be reasoned with. Stop trying to figure anything out beyond this - - Remove your family from the presence of alcoholics.
Anonymous
Post 01/02/2018 11:48     Subject: My in-laws cause my family so much depression
They are broken people, op. It's hard to comprehend when you come from an average family, but my dh also has broken people for parents and it's been incredibly eye-opening. My mil has done a similar "disappearing act", to the point my dh ended up calling the police to do a welfare check on her. I couldn't imagine letting a child of mine worry like that, but broken people don't see it that way.

Therapy for him, and maybe al-anon? It sounds like their behaviour when drinking is a significant part of the problem? I'm sorry he is dealing with this, and I hope that perhaps some therapy can help heal his wounds.