Anonymous
12/22/2017 06:33
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow, maybe you should focus on being grateful that you didn't get this highly heritable illness. You can't blame mentally ill people for mentally ill behavior. Its not rational.
OP here, legit question, so what does the "normal" one do? Am I never allowed to acknowledge the very real feelings I have because I should be grateful? What do I do with my feelings? Bury them? Constantly cater to others? Won't being the strong one eventually drive me crazy too? Do I just continue on in this twilight zone of a life where no one calls a rose a rose?
Different poster. Your venting and telling it like it is would've been more appropriate for your therapist than to just lay on your sister. You are feeling overwhelmed but that's actually not her fault, it's your issue to resolve, fair or not.
This is a fair response. Thank you.
Another legit question-- So a person whom you suspect is mentally ill should just be left to their own devices? Permitted to run amuck unchecked and live a deluded life? Do offer an apology for something I said that I totally meant? Give the appearance to the unwell that she is indeed well?
I wouldn't apologize, but I would also lower my expectations of her to zero. She has proven to be incapable of doing what you think she should and being told how you feel about her isn't going to help or change that. You've gotten it off of your best, but I wouldn't travel down that road with her again.
Anonymous
12/22/2017 06:27
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
Anonymous wrote:After many years of not confronting my middle sister (I am the youngest of three girls) about her very clear mental disorders I finally told her about herself tonight via text. I wasn't the least bit angry and stated everything in a very matter of fact tone. It bugs me because my parents (mom is now deceased) have always skirted around the elephant in the room when it comes to her. My oldest sister is a diagnosed schizophrenic, so I think it's always been painful for my parents to have to admit that another one of their children is not well. My oldest sister is completely disabled by her disease; however, the sister in question is somewhat functioning, which makes her disorders easier to ignore/deny. She has extreme social phobia, she is a virgin at 41 and has never dated (or been kissed as far as I know) in her life. She does not have any friends and rarely comes around the family.
I have talked to her, but have not seen her since our mothers funeral almost 3 years ago. She constantly comes up with excuses for why she can't do something and will typically deflect her inadequacies back on to you. She's a typical gaslighter and in general a drain on energy. I am done allowing her to pass her bs off as normal, so I told her about herself. Since our mom died, I have been left with the full brunt of our ageing father, while she gets to claim she is doing this and that from afar, which she is not. Every holiday it is me, my dad and the kids, never my sisters. Oldest sister is excused, but the sister who won't own the problems she has is actually the harder pill to swallow because she is so full of shit. I guess this is more of a vent thread than anything, but I really am sick of it. Christmas is in 4 days and it will be me and my dad again. I just want my dad to call a spade a spade so we can cut the shenanigans with her.
Doing it by text is where you went wrong. Tone/meaning in texts are extremely hard to read. What sounds better in person can come off cold in a text very easily.
Anonymous
12/22/2017 06:00
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
OP, you are mean and cold.
Why would you do this via text? Sending a message with the sort of content you describe (ie, telling your sister that you think she's mentally ill and you aren't going to tolerate her denial of her tragic flaws) is nasty. There is no way to communicate that information via text in a kind, sensitive way. You would only use text if you wanted to hurt the person.
I feel sorry for your sister.
Why would you do this via text? Sending a message with the sort of content you describe (ie, telling your sister that you think she's mentally ill and you aren't going to tolerate her denial of her tragic flaws) is nasty. There is no way to communicate that information via text in a kind, sensitive way. You would only use text if you wanted to hurt the person.
I feel sorry for your sister.
Anonymous
12/22/2017 05:39
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
OP, you always have the option of setting boundaries with people in your life. That looks like this "Miranda, I will not answer the phone anymore when you call me after 9 pm obsessing about your health crises, and I will only listen for 15 minutes when you discuss whether the neighbors are trying to kill you. Please be on notice of these rules."
However, telling people they are psychotic/mentally ill/paranoid/schizo/borderline/green-peppered is not setting boundaries. It is simply telling people off and blasting them. You are not the Diagnoser of Maladies and having a diagnosis does not make anyone's life easier. In fact, it can make a mentally ill person even more anxious to hear someone angrily text/scream that they are considered mentally ill.
My mother is very seriously mentally ill and my brother recently shrieked at her "You're psychotic! You're psychotic! Leave me alone!" Now she ruminates constantly on his "diagnosis" of her as psychotic, leaving me long phone messages with 59 reasons why she's not psychotic. How helpful was this diagnosis to her (and the rest of us), OP?
However, telling people they are psychotic/mentally ill/paranoid/schizo/borderline/green-peppered is not setting boundaries. It is simply telling people off and blasting them. You are not the Diagnoser of Maladies and having a diagnosis does not make anyone's life easier. In fact, it can make a mentally ill person even more anxious to hear someone angrily text/scream that they are considered mentally ill.
My mother is very seriously mentally ill and my brother recently shrieked at her "You're psychotic! You're psychotic! Leave me alone!" Now she ruminates constantly on his "diagnosis" of her as psychotic, leaving me long phone messages with 59 reasons why she's not psychotic. How helpful was this diagnosis to her (and the rest of us), OP?
Anonymous
12/22/2017 03:19
Subject: Re:Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
Anonymous wrote:1) Who gives a crap if your sister is virgin, has social anxiety, or anything similar? You’re making a lot of assumptions about her (i.e., “as far as you know”), for no reason. These things about her aren’t hurting anyone. They don’t need “confronting.” You owe her a royal apology for being so judgmental.
2) You said: "and will typically deflect her inadequacies back on to you” - this seems to be exactly what you are doing. You are angry at the predicament you are in (which is not your sister’s fault), and taking out your anxieties on her. You are projecting yourself onto her. Stop doing that. You are also the one doing the gas lighting with your “confronting” - stop doing that.
3) As for being left with burdens after your mom died, that’s your choice. It’s not your sister’s fault your dad is aging. It’s not your sister’s fault your mom died. It’s not your sister’s fault that your other sibling is schizophrenic. Those are the circumstances in life, but it’s not her obligation to step in. You make it your own choice to be with your dad and take him on - stop blaming your sister for your own choices.
I feel so sorry for your sister. You sound like you have a lot of issues of your own - which is ok, we all have them. But you’re using your sister as a distraction from looking in the mirror at yourself. You’re blaming her for an awful lot that is completely unfair.
Get some therapy for yourself and leave your poor sister alone.
+9999999999999999999999999999999
Anonymous
12/22/2017 03:11
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
Anonymous wrote:Why would you *think* that your dad would suddenly call a spade a spade NOW?
You can't change your dad. You are using your sister to try and change your dad.
You can't change your sister, either.
All you can change is YOU. Change the part of you that thinks you can change this--the part of you that thinks you can FIX this, and have a less dysfunctional family. It's not going to happen, so relax into it the best you can.
+1
Why would you think things will be different now?
Anonymous
12/22/2017 03:10
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
I guess it all depends on what you said and how you said it.
If you described things she did that affected you adversely and you explained why, I think that’s fine.
If you expressed your concerns about her mental health and your desire to help and support her, I think that’s fine.
If you made accusations you’re not qualified to make or made unfair or hurtful statements, you should apologize.
If you described things she did that affected you adversely and you explained why, I think that’s fine.
If you expressed your concerns about her mental health and your desire to help and support her, I think that’s fine.
If you made accusations you’re not qualified to make or made unfair or hurtful statements, you should apologize.
Anonymous
12/22/2017 03:02
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
Txting hurtful “truths” is the coward’s way of communicating. And your obsession with getting “credit” is gross.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 23:17
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
OP your sisters are mentally ill and your Dad sounds like he's in denial. They are never going to respond the way you want them to. You have a lot on your plate and are very understandably tired and stressed. Do what you can and are able to do to help your Dad but you must take time to take care of yourself. It's absolutely essential. You can't control your family but you can control how you react to them (at least in terms of your behavior). It is unrealistic given the situation to expect that your family will give you credit or praise-they are impaired and aren't capable of doing so.
It sucks, it's not fair and you are understandably angry and drained but it is what it is.
In terms of your more functional (but still mentally ill) sister you could apologize for addressing all of the issues via a text message rather than addressing them in person or on the phone. Maybe at some point you can have an actual conversation with her? Whatever the case, don't have any expectations regarding how she'll respond.
It sucks, it's not fair and you are understandably angry and drained but it is what it is.
In terms of your more functional (but still mentally ill) sister you could apologize for addressing all of the issues via a text message rather than addressing them in person or on the phone. Maybe at some point you can have an actual conversation with her? Whatever the case, don't have any expectations regarding how she'll respond.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 23:15
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
Why would you *think* that your dad would suddenly call a spade a spade NOW?
You can't change your dad. You are using your sister to try and change your dad.
You can't change your sister, either.
All you can change is YOU. Change the part of you that thinks you can change this--the part of you that thinks you can FIX this, and have a less dysfunctional family. It's not going to happen, so relax into it the best you can.
You can't change your dad. You are using your sister to try and change your dad.
You can't change your sister, either.
All you can change is YOU. Change the part of you that thinks you can change this--the part of you that thinks you can FIX this, and have a less dysfunctional family. It's not going to happen, so relax into it the best you can.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 23:11
Subject: Re:Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
1) Who gives a crap if your sister is virgin, has social anxiety, or anything similar? You’re making a lot of assumptions about her (i.e., “as far as you know”), for no reason. These things about her aren’t hurting anyone. They don’t need “confronting.” You owe her a royal apology for being so judgmental.
2) You said: "and will typically deflect her inadequacies back on to you” - this seems to be exactly what you are doing. You are angry at the predicament you are in (which is not your sister’s fault), and taking out your anxieties on her. You are projecting yourself onto her. Stop doing that. You are also the one doing the gas lighting with your “confronting” - stop doing that.
3) As for being left with burdens after your mom died, that’s your choice. It’s not your sister’s fault your dad is aging. It’s not your sister’s fault your mom died. It’s not your sister’s fault that your other sibling is schizophrenic. Those are the circumstances in life, but it’s not her obligation to step in. You make it your own choice to be with your dad and take him on - stop blaming your sister for your own choices.
I feel so sorry for your sister. You sound like you have a lot of issues of your own - which is ok, we all have them. But you’re using your sister as a distraction from looking in the mirror at yourself. You’re blaming her for an awful lot that is completely unfair.
Get some therapy for yourself and leave your poor sister alone.
2) You said: "and will typically deflect her inadequacies back on to you” - this seems to be exactly what you are doing. You are angry at the predicament you are in (which is not your sister’s fault), and taking out your anxieties on her. You are projecting yourself onto her. Stop doing that. You are also the one doing the gas lighting with your “confronting” - stop doing that.
3) As for being left with burdens after your mom died, that’s your choice. It’s not your sister’s fault your dad is aging. It’s not your sister’s fault your mom died. It’s not your sister’s fault that your other sibling is schizophrenic. Those are the circumstances in life, but it’s not her obligation to step in. You make it your own choice to be with your dad and take him on - stop blaming your sister for your own choices.
I feel so sorry for your sister. You sound like you have a lot of issues of your own - which is ok, we all have them. But you’re using your sister as a distraction from looking in the mirror at yourself. You’re blaming her for an awful lot that is completely unfair.
Get some therapy for yourself and leave your poor sister alone.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 23:10
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
You can say that you regret having lashed out by text. Because that was wrong. You can say that you have been shouldering most of the burden and feel extremely burned out right now. That is acceptable.
In another conversation, you can say that you feel her mental health is not good, and that this is seriously impacting her relationship with you. That you wish she would seek a diagnosis and proper medical care, but that you recognize there is nothing you can force her to do as an adult.
I have a friend whose sister is mentally ill and has been homeless and who also attempted suicide multiple times. She is also extremely needy and unreliable, and emotionally draining. My friend survives by keeping her at arms length, NEVER asking her help for anything, and paying her rent directly to the landlord (otherwise it goes to drugs). Those situations are sad - because as adults, they cannot be committed against their will, not for any length of time, or forced to medicate themselves.
You need to let go, OP.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 22:46
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow, maybe you should focus on being grateful that you didn't get this highly heritable illness. You can't blame mentally ill people for mentally ill behavior. Its not rational.
OP here, legit question, so what does the "normal" one do? Am I never allowed to acknowledge the very real feelings I have because I should be grateful? What do I do with my feelings? Bury them? Constantly cater to others? Won't being the strong one eventually drive me crazy too? Do I just continue on in this twilight zone of a life where no one calls a rose a rose?
+1 I am also sick and tired of having to understand the craziest and rudest behavior, meanwhile no one gives anything how I might feel.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 22:45
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow, maybe you should focus on being grateful that you didn't get this highly heritable illness. You can't blame mentally ill people for mentally ill behavior. Its not rational.
OP here, legit question, so what does the "normal" one do? Am I never allowed to acknowledge the very real feelings I have because I should be grateful? What do I do with my feelings? Bury them? Constantly cater to others? Won't being the strong one eventually drive me crazy too? Do I just continue on in this twilight zone of a life where no one calls a rose a rose?
Different poster. Your venting and telling it like it is would've been more appropriate for your therapist than to just lay on your sister. You are feeling overwhelmed but that's actually not her fault, it's your issue to resolve, fair or not.
This is a fair response. Thank you.
Another legit question-- So a person whom you suspect is mentally ill should just be left to their own devices? Permitted to run amuck unchecked and live a deluded life? Do offer an apology for something I said that I totally meant? Give the appearance to the unwell that she is indeed well?
Anonymous
12/21/2017 22:45
Subject: Do I owe you an apology if I told you the truth and it subsequently hurt your feeelings?
PP again - you should take a vacation from care as well. Are there home aides where your father lives? Some kind of state or county help? It shouldn't always be on you, otherwise you're going to explode.