Anonymous
12/22/2017 09:26
Subject: Re:rage at my kids
Let it go. Stop the hovering micromanaging thing altogether, especially with the 14 year old. Really??
When I found my Teen DD to be too difficult I made myself scarce in the evenings (time for grocery shopping/take a class/play a sport) and let my ‘chill with DD but critical of how I managed things DH’ take over. He got so hyper critical and disgusted with her I have to step in and chill him out a lot. It’s been 5 years and he still says critical things to her while I’ve totally chilled out and I end up being a referee. She’s turned out fine- she is headed to a great college this year, she has a job and she’s a pretty considerate overall.
I’d recommend chilling the f$&c out about most things as they are growing up and becoming responsible for themselves.
When I found my Teen DD to be too difficult I made myself scarce in the evenings (time for grocery shopping/take a class/play a sport) and let my ‘chill with DD but critical of how I managed things DH’ take over. He got so hyper critical and disgusted with her I have to step in and chill him out a lot. It’s been 5 years and he still says critical things to her while I’ve totally chilled out and I end up being a referee. She’s turned out fine- she is headed to a great college this year, she has a job and she’s a pretty considerate overall.
I’d recommend chilling the f$&c out about most things as they are growing up and becoming responsible for themselves.
Anonymous
12/22/2017 09:07
Subject: rage at my kids
OP - I solved a lot of my issues when I started taking prempro.
I regained the patience I needed to handle a boy with typical teen issues. My son did all the same stuff, but once I handled it better, less of it escalated.
Are you coming up on menopause?
I regained the patience I needed to handle a boy with typical teen issues. My son did all the same stuff, but once I handled it better, less of it escalated.
Are you coming up on menopause?
Anonymous
12/22/2017 08:19
Subject: rage at my kids
Anonymous wrote:Op here: OMG.... Yes! They are loud, eat snacks and leave shit all over, wet towels on the floor, grabbing snacks (I try to not buy much btw), always want to be on some form of electronics and are basically unhelpful. I want them to help with the dog a bit more, not complain about the trash and just do it.... I know saying things over and over takes away my power. I agree with everyone about the natural consequences of grades etc. It's tough though-- they are smart-- fortunately are getting good grades now and they are both very social. The thing is that I try to be calm and nice and then the switch flips upon not being heard. The bottom line is: I don't want them to feel that their mom raged or made the house chaotic. I will check out that book... but the interesting thing is that one kid has ADHD hyper and then other ADD inattentive.... They are both at good public schools and are doing well, but maybe they just hold it together all day and then just lose it when they come home...
Ahhhhh There it is. They do all this because they have...ADD and ADHD. Right. Do they take their meds? The meds make everything better right? The meds are so much better than actually teaching the kids how to behave, cope, and live responsibly from an early age.
Anonymous
12/22/2017 08:15
Subject: rage at my kids
Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I sometimes flip out like this, too. Literally jumping up and down while screaming. I hate it and the kids do, too. It's gotten better of the last year because I used to have a very stressful job and it was much easier to set me off. I've changed jobs and am much better able to roll with the punches (or get out in front of things). But it still happens.
What occasionally (not consistently) works for me is that I actually tell the kids I'm about to flip. "You know how sometimes I start screaming and yelling? Well, I am one minute away from that unless you start doing what I ask."
The kids hate the flip-out, too. Two will get in line immediately when they hear this. The third is stubborn and persistent, but sometimes backs down, as well.
PP this is ridiculous. You need to see a therapist. You are setting your kids up to expect or repeat this type of behavior when they have their own families and households to manage. You are operating and reacting with the mentality of a child, and that's not okay. You are an adult, and a role model for your kids, and how they will treat their kids one day. Would you want them jumping and screaming at their kids?
Anonymous
12/22/2017 07:06
Subject: rage at my kids
Anonymous wrote:Op here: OMG.... Yes! They are loud, eat snacks and leave shit all over, wet towels on the floor, grabbing snacks (I try to not buy much btw), always want to be on some form of electronics and are basically unhelpful. I want them to help with the dog a bit more, not complain about the trash and just do it.... I know saying things over and over takes away my power. I agree with everyone about the natural consequences of grades etc. It's tough though-- they are smart-- fortunately are getting good grades now and they are both very social. The thing is that I try to be calm and nice and then the switch flips upon not being heard. The bottom line is: I don't want them to feel that their mom raged or made the house chaotic. I will check out that book... but the interesting thing is that one kid has ADHD hyper and then other ADD inattentive.... They are both at good public schools and are doing well, but maybe they just hold it together all day and then just lose it when they come home...
Are they medicated? I have ADD and tried medication, but the crash was so awful, it made my brain useless at night. ADD meds burn through everything your brain has to offer during the day and leaves you with nothing at night and often leaves you very moody and angry.
Anonymous
12/22/2017 07:02
Subject: rage at my kids
Anonymous wrote:My 11 and 14 year old boys don't listen.... it's so frustrating. At the end of the day I am tired and I just want them to do their homework, eat their dinner (without snacking all night) and go to bed at a decent time. I try so hard to stay calm and then before I know it, I am losing it. I know being out of control or raging is bad, but it's like a the switch flips. I want to stop this, but it feels so chaotic b/c they don't seem to listen , want to be on electronics all the time etc. So frustrated... My husband wants a calm atmosphere and I feel such shame when I lose it... I never say mean or humiliating stuff, but I lose it... BTW: the younger has ADHD and is hard and the older is a teen. They are good kids and I am trying so hard to provide a calm home, but it's hectic.... working, driving to sports and all of the above. Just feel sad... thx for listening
My kids are allowed ZERO electronics on weeknights. This solves a ton of problems. I turn off their internet at the router and we have a family computer for homework. They are allowed to have unlimited electeonics if the come home with straight As. This is a huge goal of theirs. Im able to check grades real time.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 22:17
Subject: rage at my kids
Why isn't your husband contributing to a calm household by setting up expectations and living it to you to be the "bad cop" who is enforcing rules? Maybe I have misunderstood, but it sounds like he expects you to manage by yourself.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 16:11
Subject: rage at my kids
Thx. I do take away electronics, but honestly not consistently enough. I agree that my husband does need to not judge me so much re: the flip out and rescue me when I’m about to lose it... or no calm household. I like idea of telling them ahead of time if I can anticipate it. I hate the flip out. Feel shame after. I have been trying to go to bed before and just leaving it to my husband. That feels good— when he follows through himself with getting them to brush teeth, go to bed and hand in phone (older one). I get up at 5 to work out, so I have to be asleep by 10 at the latest. Just knowing that others experience this is helpful. I need to write the rules, put them up, and if I have to take away electronics, I will tolerate my younger kid’s tantrum.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 14:16
Subject: rage at my kids
Anonymous wrote:Op here: OMG.... Yes! They are loud, eat snacks and leave shit all over, wet towels on the floor, grabbing snacks (I try to not buy much btw), always want to be on some form of electronics and are basically unhelpful. I want them to help with the dog a bit more, not complain about the trash and just do it.... I know saying things over and over takes away my power. I agree with everyone about the natural consequences of grades etc. It's tough though-- they are smart-- fortunately are getting good grades now and they are both very social. The thing is that I try to be calm and nice and then the switch flips upon not being heard. The bottom line is: I don't want them to feel that their mom raged or made the house chaotic. I will check out that book... but the interesting thing is that one kid has ADHD hyper and then other ADD inattentive.... They are both at good public schools and are doing well, but maybe they just hold it together all day and then just lose it when they come home...
If they aren't helpful around the house, take away electronics until chores are done. Period. Helping out around the house is not optional. And honestly, I'd put them in the same boat. No electronics for anyone until the chores are done. They will help motivate each other.
Also, be very clear that if they leave their stuff out, you will throw it away. Then do it.
Basically, make the rules and consequences clear, and then stop talking about it. One reminder, max, and then you impose the consequence. And ignore the whining and complaining that will inevitably follow.
And tell your husband that if he wants a calm, peaceful atmosphere, then he needs to step up and help make sure your kids are behaving respectfully.
And when you feel like you are about to lose it, say so: "Guys, you are on my last nerve. I'm going to go away for ten minutes to take some deep breaths, and when I come back, X needs to be done or Y will happen." Then do that.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 13:49
Subject: Re:rage at my kids
I could have written this post OP, except I have 3 teens. My mom always tells me "this too shall pass"
Not.soon.enough.for.me
Not.soon.enough.for.me
Anonymous
12/21/2017 13:23
Subject: rage at my kids
Thx for the PEP info... I took one when they were younger. Will check it out...
Anonymous
12/21/2017 13:22
Subject: rage at my kids
Op here: OMG.... Yes! They are loud, eat snacks and leave shit all over, wet towels on the floor, grabbing snacks (I try to not buy much btw), always want to be on some form of electronics and are basically unhelpful. I want them to help with the dog a bit more, not complain about the trash and just do it.... I know saying things over and over takes away my power. I agree with everyone about the natural consequences of grades etc. It's tough though-- they are smart-- fortunately are getting good grades now and they are both very social. The thing is that I try to be calm and nice and then the switch flips upon not being heard. The bottom line is: I don't want them to feel that their mom raged or made the house chaotic. I will check out that book... but the interesting thing is that one kid has ADHD hyper and then other ADD inattentive.... They are both at good public schools and are doing well, but maybe they just hold it together all day and then just lose it when they come home...
Anonymous
12/21/2017 09:20
Subject: rage at my kids
You might find the PEP parenting classes helpful, to get some new strategies with your boys. Here is their schedule and they have quite a few focused on parenting teens: http://pepparent.org/classes-programs/class-schedule/. Shockingly, several are focused around getting teens to listen!
Anonymous
12/21/2017 09:19
Subject: rage at my kids
I can relate. I sometimes flip out like this, too. Literally jumping up and down while screaming. I hate it and the kids do, too. It's gotten better of the last year because I used to have a very stressful job and it was much easier to set me off. I've changed jobs and am much better able to roll with the punches (or get out in front of things). But it still happens.
What occasionally (not consistently) works for me is that I actually tell the kids I'm about to flip. "You know how sometimes I start screaming and yelling? Well, I am one minute away from that unless you start doing what I ask."
The kids hate the flip-out, too. Two will get in line immediately when they hear this. The third is stubborn and persistent, but sometimes backs down, as well.
What occasionally (not consistently) works for me is that I actually tell the kids I'm about to flip. "You know how sometimes I start screaming and yelling? Well, I am one minute away from that unless you start doing what I ask."
The kids hate the flip-out, too. Two will get in line immediately when they hear this. The third is stubborn and persistent, but sometimes backs down, as well.
Anonymous
12/21/2017 09:17
Subject: Re:rage at my kids
OMG. I do this only when PMS. But my DH struggles with it. For him, its related to the need for anxiety/control. He recently worked with a therapist who instructed him on specific meditation techniques. It has helped a lot. The only other thing I suggest is you focus on controlling what you control. Can you just go to bed before your kids? I do, but my teen girl is trustworthy to put herself to bed when she finished her homework. She may be snapchatting later than she's allowed, but oh well . . . I'm happy with my book and not snapping myself (I get up early at 5:30 and I'm done by 9:00 pm).