Anonymous
Post 12/06/2017 10:21     Subject: When you’re always suspicious?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating a man pretty seriously. He was very open about the fact that, twenty years ago when he was in his 20s, he was a pretty serious drug user (cocaine). Despite his previous indiscretions, has given me no reason whatsoever to think that he still uses, but it’s always in the back of my mind, and I find myself trying to “catch” him. Otherwise, we have a great relationship. But I need to get past this and move forward. There have been a couple times he’s not been himself, and I’ve found myself showing up at his house, hoping to catch him. I never do, and he’s just been stressed from work. I’m paranoid. He’s been a great sport about it, but I have to stop.

Is this/will this always be sort of like an alcoholic, where you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Any advice?


This is crazy behavior. If you can't relax and trust him, this isn't the relationship for you. And not because he's in the back cutting out lines, but because your behavior is beyond paranoid, it's disrespectful.


+1
You need therapy. This isn't normal behavior. What is causing this in you? Family/friends who used to be addicts?


Nice aiding and abetting gaslighting!


You're misusing the term gaslighting here. There's no gaslighting going on, but the closest thing to it in this situation is OP showing up at his house to "catch" him doing something he hasn't done in 20 years and treating him like an addict for being stupid enough to tell her the truth about using drugs in college. She's stalking a guy based on what she herself admits is paranoia. She needs to break up with him and find someone who will never, ever tell her he's made a mistake in his life so she can't hold anything against him for all time.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2017 10:12     Subject: When you’re always suspicious?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating a man pretty seriously. He was very open about the fact that, twenty years ago when he was in his 20s, he was a pretty serious drug user (cocaine). Despite his previous indiscretions, has given me no reason whatsoever to think that he still uses, but it’s always in the back of my mind, and I find myself trying to “catch” him. Otherwise, we have a great relationship. But I need to get past this and move forward. There have been a couple times he’s not been himself, and I’ve found myself showing up at his house, hoping to catch him. I never do, and he’s just been stressed from work. I’m paranoid. He’s been a great sport about it, but I have to stop.

Is this/will this always be sort of like an alcoholic, where you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Any advice?


This is crazy behavior. If you can't relax and trust him, this isn't the relationship for you. And not because he's in the back cutting out lines, but because your behavior is beyond paranoid, it's disrespectful.


+1
You need therapy. This isn't normal behavior. What is causing this in you? Family/friends who used to be addicts?


Nice aiding and abetting gaslighting!
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2017 10:05     Subject: When you’re always suspicious?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating a man pretty seriously. He was very open about the fact that, twenty years ago when he was in his 20s, he was a pretty serious drug user (cocaine). Despite his previous indiscretions, has given me no reason whatsoever to think that he still uses, but it’s always in the back of my mind, and I find myself trying to “catch” him. Otherwise, we have a great relationship. But I need to get past this and move forward. There have been a couple times he’s not been himself, and I’ve found myself showing up at his house, hoping to catch him. I never do, and he’s just been stressed from work. I’m paranoid. He’s been a great sport about it, but I have to stop.

Is this/will this always be sort of like an alcoholic, where you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Any advice?


This is crazy behavior. If you can't relax and trust him, this isn't the relationship for you. And not because he's in the back cutting out lines, but because your behavior is beyond paranoid, it's disrespectful.


+1
You need therapy. This isn't normal behavior. What is causing this in you? Family/friends who used to be addicts?
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2017 06:59     Subject: When you’re always suspicious?
You aren’t compatible. Dropping in on him unannounced, trying to catch him in something is way off base - if you can’t acceot his past then you need to part ways.

At the same time - if you’re picking up on odd behavior then yes u should figure out what that’s about. It’s impossible for us to know if you should trust your gut or if it’s just that you’re a suspicious, paranoid person, or someone who has a such a strong reaction to his past drug use that you aren’t able to be rational. If this behavior isn’t usually like you, then maybe you’re picking up on something. Either way, you should end it - it’s bringing out the worst in you.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2017 06:42     Subject: When you’re always suspicious?
TWENTY years ago!!!!!!!

Lots of people did lots of things 20 years ago that they'd never consider doing now.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2017 15:37     Subject: Re:When you’re always suspicious?
Anonymous wrote:Have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy?
You are going to drive him back to using if you keep up the constant badgering and trying to catch him. If he has a bad day he will think he needs to hide that from you so you don't think he will turn to drugs. That will cause you to think he is hiding something and treat him as such. Stress everyone out and eventually, yeah, he may want to do drugs just to not feel the way you are making him feel.

You can't handle this relationship and that is alright. But you need to own that and move on and allow him to do the same.



FFS no one is responsible for a person's drug use except the person using drugs!
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2017 14:57     Subject: Re:When you’re always suspicious?
Have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy?
You are going to drive him back to using if you keep up the constant badgering and trying to catch him. If he has a bad day he will think he needs to hide that from you so you don't think he will turn to drugs. That will cause you to think he is hiding something and treat him as such. Stress everyone out and eventually, yeah, he may want to do drugs just to not feel the way you are making him feel.

You can't handle this relationship and that is alright. But you need to own that and move on and allow him to do the same.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2017 14:56     Subject: When you’re always suspicious?
Anonymous wrote:This is OP and thanks everyone. It’s just the stigma of Coke that gets me. I know it’s irrational but it bothers me for some reason! I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know why.


compared to many other things coke has less stigma. people used to think it was a good drug. it's not obviously but neither is it the worst.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2017 14:52     Subject: When you’re always suspicious?
I think you should end it. It's always going to nag at you. If someone told me that they had used 20 years ago, I would never think of it again. It bothers you, it's out of your comfort zone. You need someone more straight edged.