Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 20:10     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
OP, I have been there. Here's the thing. You can spend a ton of time and energy trying to figure out whether he's cheating or not and why he is being so mean to you.

But, you really should spend that time getting a job and getting back out into the work world and creating your own professional track and social opportunities. You should also be building your relationship with your kids independent of your DH. I would never let my children disrespect me the way you describe. Pull the DS aside and tell him, kindly but firmly, that it is not OK to speak to you that way -- neither for son nor for dad. Each time DS does it again, just look at him and say, "that is not OK".

You need to get into individual therapy and recognize the pattern of emotional abuse that is going on. It is best for you to focus on creating your own life. In time (months or a couple of years max) you will have more clarity on the decision to divorce in terms of when. But, divorce definitely sounds like it is in the cards. Sorry.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 18:06     Subject: Re:Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
OP you already wrote about your husband several times. your main problem is that you don't work. please start looking for a job.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 17:43     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Can you support yourself? If yes, do what you think is best. I would have left at the first affair.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 17:33     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
My DH isn't as bad as yours, but he hasn't respected me for a long time (if ever, I remember he was pretty s****y to me early on). The only things that got him to respect me again were getting "hot" again and working again. When I was a SAHM, he just saw me as a moocher, no matter how much work I actually did. But once he saw I could take care of myself and replace him if needed, he got his act together.

Figure out if divorce is a good financial option for you. You may not get much alimony and may have to work again. Is that something you want to do?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 15:06     Subject: Re:Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married for about the same length of time and we have two kids. We're in counseling for the same sort of issue, minus the potential affair stuff. To be honest, I don't really think counseling is working for us, but I think it's worth a shot. I wouldn't feel right about divorce without at least putting in that effort. I also think that it's helpful to be working with a counselor, particularly if you have kids, in order to work through the separation issues if it comes to that. If you can afford it, I would also consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to sort through your feelings here. I'm guessing that if you are like me (and most people in this boat) you feel pretty alone since you can't just go to your friends or family to talk about this stuff. Talking to a therapist helps with that. I would also consider getting a job before you divorce. I work full-time, which I consider to be one less thing I'll have to worry about. You don't want to be job hunting during a major transition for yourself and the kids, so take care of that before hand. Good luck.


Are you going to divorce? Do you feel he doesn't have respect for you? Can you recommend your counselor? (for therapy)? That makes sense to me to do. We did marriage counseling before, I suppose we could again, but hard to see it working when your heart isn't into it.


I don't know. I think we'd both be happier if we divorced, but there are a lot of things that may override it like the impact it would have on the kids. Now that I've really thought it through, divorce makes so many people's lives more complicated and the impact it has never really dissipates completely when you have children together. I don't know if I'd use the word respect to describe how I think he treats me. Not because I think he respects me, but because the word just doesn't seem to fit. He is dismissive of my judgement and my opinions, he calls me selfish, irresponsible, and incapable of handling things. He is manipulative and preys on my insecurities. For example, although he's given this one up now that our kids are in school, he used to tell me what a poor parent I was because I didn't chose to be a SAHM. Even in counseling, he still criticizes me and doesn't even realize it. He "forgets" that he said certain things or justifies them by saying I started it by criticizing him first.


Staying in the relationship has an effect on the kids too, you know. They will see this treatment and think it's normal and healthy. It's not. Get out now.


PP here-- I agree with you, and this concerns me. I actually think that my DH picked up the behavior from his father. Truth is, they don't see us fight, but they probably hear one of his cheap shots (that would otherwise start a fight) about once or twice per week. We're not like the family in Lifetime movies where the kids are standing right around the corner while their parents go at each other. Still, I wish they didn't hear what they do because even though it's not a full-blown fight, I'd never want them to learn it's okay for their future spouse to speak to them that way. I also think that they miss out seeing love and affection between their parents.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:57     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Don't wait. Get out now. ~Divorced mom of 2 teenage boys
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:52     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe on the affair. I guess there are signs, but he was extremely broken up over the time he "almost" did (I have to trust him on this one). It would've been a for sex thing as it was a young woman (a nanny!) he met traveling in Europe. He was planning to meet her on one of his subsequent trips but she couldn't get away from her family and then I found out about it. I even called her. At the same time, I saw very flirty texts to another very young woman he met skiing who was coming to the DC area to live.

Needless to say I was very upset. I pretty much said I am not sure I can stay married to you. He was a wreck. We did counseling and for awhile things seemed better.

I will say that what I remember most about this time was that he was putting me down a lot, for things that seemed really ridiculous. Why is this such a sign of an affair? I accept that it is, but I honestly thought he was so "scared" last time and remorseful that he wouldn't do this again.

I guess I could hire a PI? What do people do? I once asked him about a year ago, and he sort of laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous. I do look at his phone but never have found anything in the last few years. Sex life is infrequent.


Don’t hire a PI - that benefits no one. It doesn’t get anything more in a divorce. You are married to a disgusting man and you are messing up your kids. Staying is on you, lady.


The thing is, he is not a "disgusting man" and I am certainly not trying to mess up my kids! In general I think he has a good heart and is a good person. But when it comes to me, I guess not. I am not making excuses, I know what he does is not ok and I am looking to get out. As background, and I think this likely is relevant, my father was emotionally abusive (and physically) to my mom, he was an alcoholic. I vowed never to let myself be treated that way. . . .


My marriage counselor said about my abusive brother-in-law: "Even Ted Bundy was charming to some people"...


You see - once you grow up this way it’s hard to stop repeating the pattern. You need to get out now so that your son has a chance of not being an emotionally anusive jerk as an adult, as well as to protect your health and well being.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:50     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe on the affair. I guess there are signs, but he was extremely broken up over the time he "almost" did (I have to trust him on this one). It would've been a for sex thing as it was a young woman (a nanny!) he met traveling in Europe. He was planning to meet her on one of his subsequent trips but she couldn't get away from her family and then I found out about it. I even called her. At the same time, I saw very flirty texts to another very young woman he met skiing who was coming to the DC area to live.

Needless to say I was very upset. I pretty much said I am not sure I can stay married to you. He was a wreck. We did counseling and for awhile things seemed better.

I will say that what I remember most about this time was that he was putting me down a lot, for things that seemed really ridiculous. Why is this such a sign of an affair? I accept that it is, but I honestly thought he was so "scared" last time and remorseful that he wouldn't do this again.

I guess I could hire a PI? What do people do? I once asked him about a year ago, and he sort of laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous. I do look at his phone but never have found anything in the last few years. Sex life is infrequent.


Don’t hire a PI - that benefits no one. It doesn’t get anything more in a divorce. You are married to a disgusting man and you are messing up your kids. Staying is on you, lady.


The thing is, he is not a "disgusting man" and I am certainly not trying to mess up my kids! In general I think he has a good heart and is a good person. But when it comes to me, I guess not. I am not making excuses, I know what he does is not ok and I am looking to get out. As background, and I think this likely is relevant, my father was emotionally abusive (and physically) to my mom, he was an alcoholic. I vowed never to let myself be treated that way. . . .


My marriage counselor said about my abusive brother-in-law: "Even Ted Bundy was charming to some people"...


But being disgusting to YOU counts. It counts for a lot. Please don’t discount your worth.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 13:38     Subject: Re:Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married for about the same length of time and we have two kids. We're in counseling for the same sort of issue, minus the potential affair stuff. To be honest, I don't really think counseling is working for us, but I think it's worth a shot. I wouldn't feel right about divorce without at least putting in that effort. I also think that it's helpful to be working with a counselor, particularly if you have kids, in order to work through the separation issues if it comes to that. If you can afford it, I would also consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to sort through your feelings here. I'm guessing that if you are like me (and most people in this boat) you feel pretty alone since you can't just go to your friends or family to talk about this stuff. Talking to a therapist helps with that. I would also consider getting a job before you divorce. I work full-time, which I consider to be one less thing I'll have to worry about. You don't want to be job hunting during a major transition for yourself and the kids, so take care of that before hand. Good luck.


Are you going to divorce? Do you feel he doesn't have respect for you? Can you recommend your counselor? (for therapy)? That makes sense to me to do. We did marriage counseling before, I suppose we could again, but hard to see it working when your heart isn't into it.


I don't know. I think we'd both be happier if we divorced, but there are a lot of things that may override it like the impact it would have on the kids. Now that I've really thought it through, divorce makes so many people's lives more complicated and the impact it has never really dissipates completely when you have children together. I don't know if I'd use the word respect to describe how I think he treats me. Not because I think he respects me, but because the word just doesn't seem to fit. He is dismissive of my judgement and my opinions, he calls me selfish, irresponsible, and incapable of handling things. He is manipulative and preys on my insecurities. For example, although he's given this one up now that our kids are in school, he used to tell me what a poor parent I was because I didn't chose to be a SAHM. Even in counseling, he still criticizes me and doesn't even realize it. He "forgets" that he said certain things or justifies them by saying I started it by criticizing him first.


Staying in the relationship has an effect on the kids too, you know. They will see this treatment and think it's normal and healthy. It's not. Get out now.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 12:48     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe on the affair. I guess there are signs, but he was extremely broken up over the time he "almost" did (I have to trust him on this one). It would've been a for sex thing as it was a young woman (a nanny!) he met traveling in Europe. He was planning to meet her on one of his subsequent trips but she couldn't get away from her family and then I found out about it. I even called her. At the same time, I saw very flirty texts to another very young woman he met skiing who was coming to the DC area to live.

Needless to say I was very upset. I pretty much said I am not sure I can stay married to you. He was a wreck. We did counseling and for awhile things seemed better.

I will say that what I remember most about this time was that he was putting me down a lot, for things that seemed really ridiculous. Why is this such a sign of an affair? I accept that it is, but I honestly thought he was so "scared" last time and remorseful that he wouldn't do this again.

I guess I could hire a PI? What do people do? I once asked him about a year ago, and he sort of laughed at me and said I was being ridiculous. I do look at his phone but never have found anything in the last few years. Sex life is infrequent.


Don’t hire a PI - that benefits no one. It doesn’t get anything more in a divorce. You are married to a disgusting man and you are messing up your kids. Staying is on you, lady.


The thing is, he is not a "disgusting man" and I am certainly not trying to mess up my kids! In general I think he has a good heart and is a good person. But when it comes to me, I guess not. I am not making excuses, I know what he does is not ok and I am looking to get out. As background, and I think this likely is relevant, my father was emotionally abusive (and physically) to my mom, he was an alcoholic. I vowed never to let myself be treated that way. . . .


My marriage counselor said about my abusive brother-in-law: "Even Ted Bundy was charming to some people"...
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 12:33     Subject: Re:Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married for about the same length of time and we have two kids. We're in counseling for the same sort of issue, minus the potential affair stuff. To be honest, I don't really think counseling is working for us, but I think it's worth a shot. I wouldn't feel right about divorce without at least putting in that effort. I also think that it's helpful to be working with a counselor, particularly if you have kids, in order to work through the separation issues if it comes to that. If you can afford it, I would also consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to sort through your feelings here. I'm guessing that if you are like me (and most people in this boat) you feel pretty alone since you can't just go to your friends or family to talk about this stuff. Talking to a therapist helps with that. I would also consider getting a job before you divorce. I work full-time, which I consider to be one less thing I'll have to worry about. You don't want to be job hunting during a major transition for yourself and the kids, so take care of that before hand. Good luck.


Are you going to divorce? Do you feel he doesn't have respect for you? Can you recommend your counselor? (for therapy)? That makes sense to me to do. We did marriage counseling before, I suppose we could again, but hard to see it working when your heart isn't into it.


I don't know. I think we'd both be happier if we divorced, but there are a lot of things that may override it like the impact it would have on the kids. Now that I've really thought it through, divorce makes so many people's lives more complicated and the impact it has never really dissipates completely when you have children together. I don't know if I'd use the word respect to describe how I think he treats me. Not because I think he respects me, but because the word just doesn't seem to fit. He is dismissive of my judgement and my opinions, he calls me selfish, irresponsible, and incapable of handling things. He is manipulative and preys on my insecurities. For example, although he's given this one up now that our kids are in school, he used to tell me what a poor parent I was because I didn't chose to be a SAHM. Even in counseling, he still criticizes me and doesn't even realize it. He "forgets" that he said certain things or justifies them by saying I started it by criticizing him first.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 12:14     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
You really need to go to therapy. It's clear your family issues are clouding your judgement about what is and isn't appropriate behavior in a marriage. Please go and talk to someone first before you try marital counseling. It will not work to do counseling with your DH until you get therapy for yourself. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 11:37     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Give it One Last Year. Do a Hail Mary. Make sex and date nights a priority. Focus on pleasing your husband. Get hot. Zip your lip. Pretend. Give it till 2019. And if it still sucks- at least you're hot and nice and ready to get out there again.


This is terrible advice.


I am not trying to "get" my husband back. Pretty hard to do those things when he treats me as he does. Not sure I am that good an actress.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 11:30     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Give it One Last Year. Do a Hail Mary. Make sex and date nights a priority. Focus on pleasing your husband. Get hot. Zip your lip. Pretend. Give it till 2019. And if it still sucks- at least you're hot and nice and ready to get out there again.


This is terrible advice.


Are you the forum police? Great use of your time loser.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2017 11:29     Subject: Divorcing DH as he doesn't respect me?
Anonymous wrote:Give it One Last Year. Do a Hail Mary. Make sex and date nights a priority. Focus on pleasing your husband. Get hot. Zip your lip. Pretend. Give it till 2019. And if it still sucks- at least you're hot and nice and ready to get out there again.


This is terrible advice.