How is it futile? Just write a check. Start "small" , but just do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not be afraid to insist that you have a voice in your marriage. His anxiety doesn't get to control your entire life. That is a recipe for depression and possibly divorce in the future, which will SURELY shake his financial world. Don't give up OP DEMAND to be heard.

I have tried and tried and tried and tried. That is the point of my OP. I can "insist" until I'm blue in the face. Its futile.

What's futile about selecting the items, hiring a contractor, taking off work to supervise and paying for it *out of the joint account*?
And don't tell me you're one of those silly women who are afraid to be alone with contractors.
You want it, you make the effort.

There is insisting and then there is action. Take action. Get estimates to move the washer dryer. Tell him what it is going to cost and when the work will be done. I don’t think this is really what you are after. It’s more a symptom of the real question. What you really want from him is to share your dreams of a home life together. If that is what you want you need say it explicitly. Say that you used to have a shared vision of the future and now you don’t know what his vision looks like. Ask him what he sees as an ideal image of your life together and then listen. Reach out to any areas that share common ground. Point out that life is a balance, then find that balance together. But, at some point the balance has to include what you want, not all of what you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he planning on retiring early? Starting a business? Perhaps thinking ahead for the next layoff?

Agree these are valid points to consider. I also wouldn't underestimate the effect that the layoff he experienced had on him. He may be doubtful (and perhaps with good reason) that his current career trajectory is unsustainable and that he will be forced out in his 50s.

OP here. Yes to all of the above two posters. I am aware of what his reasons are. Between college/retirement/emergency savings we have $1M. Excluding home equity in our primary home and rental property (probably another $400k.) We are upper 30’s. I feel like we can remodel our home within reason without jeopardizing his extremely aggressive goals. I’m slightly concerned he’s going down this savings rabbit hole and there will never be enough for him to feel secure.

What kind of budget do you have in mind for these home renovations?

Anonymous wrote:You need to not be afraid to insist that you have a voice in your marriage. His anxiety doesn't get to control your entire life. That is a recipe for depression and possibly divorce in the future, which will SURELY shake his financial world. Don't give up OP DEMAND to be heard.

I have tried and tried and tried and tried. That is the point of my OP. I can "insist" until I'm blue in the face. Its futile.

You need to not be afraid to insist that you have a voice in your marriage. His anxiety doesn't get to control your entire life. That is a recipe for depression and possibly divorce in the future, which will SURELY shake his financial world. Don't give up OP DEMAND to be heard.

OP, you seem to have lost the point... I think your problem has little to do with any particular home feature/improvement, but instead concerns your husband's incredibly controlling behavior. Your specific requests in a sense are irrelevant: heck, if you wanted to buy $600 worth of holiday snowglobes, that should be fine once in a while if your finances are secure and your spending otherwise reasonable! You guys need *together* to come to a financial plan that involves both of you compromising and prioritizing which of your needs/wants should be met and when. If your DH gets in a huff... well, jeez OP, this is a fight you should have had years ago.

Start going to open houses. First, it will get him used to seeing what you are already able to vision. Just like touching in a store gets you to buy, so does standing in a dream kitchen gets you to upgrade. Second, it may give both of you the desire to cash in that equity by selling and buying something already upgraded. This is a much easier path than upgrading your home. I understand that your husband is basically asking you not to think when he won’t listen to ideas that will improve your home environment. Does he have any aesthetic requirements to be productive at work? This may be a way to express to him that a home is more than four walls. As a last resort, I would sledge hammer the counter. My husband has come home from work many times to see half the carpet removed because of rumored hardwood underneath and walls ripped out because I wanted to see what it would be like to rearrange the floor plan. It’s shocking to the spouse, but they quickly get on board with the new plan. After a while, it’s just understood that no is not an answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he planning on retiring early? Starting a business? Perhaps thinking ahead for the next layoff?

Agree these are valid points to consider. I also wouldn't underestimate the effect that the layoff he experienced had on him. He may be doubtful (and perhaps with good reason) that his current career trajectory is unsustainable and that he will be forced out in his 50s.

OP here. Yes to all of the above two posters. I am aware of what his reasons are. Between college/retirement/emergency savings we have $1M. Excluding home equity in our primary home and rental property (probably another $400k.) We are upper 30’s. I feel like we can remodel our home within reason without jeopardizing his extremely aggressive goals. I’m slightly concerned he’s going down this savings rabbit hole and there will never be enough for him to feel secure.

Divide your finances up, then, and pay for cosmetic upgrades yourself.

Anonymous wrote:Is he planning on retiring early? Starting a business? Perhaps thinking ahead for the next layoff?

Agree these are valid points to consider. I also wouldn't underestimate the effect that the layoff he experienced had on him. He may be doubtful (and perhaps with good reason) that his current career trajectory is unsustainable and that he will be forced out in his 50s.

Anonymous wrote:OP: The examples you mention would be hard for me, as well. Here are 2 observations:

Typically, home improvements bring back a substantial return on investment.

I’m older and I wish one of us was frugal. Trust me when I say, you will be very happy when you’re older.

FWIW that's actually not true. There was a study I read a while back and IIRC the most "valuable" home improvement was a new front door or something and it returned like $0.84 per dollar invested. The study went down the line listed out other improvements and the typical return per dollar invested.

That's not to say that consumption spending for the house should be off the table but to recognize that it is consumption rather than an investment.

OP how is your husband with respect to other spending like going on vacations?

Is he planning on retiring early? Starting a business? Perhaps thinking ahead for the next layoff?

Anonymous wrote:I’ve tried. I wanted to move our laundry up to the bedroom level. Gave up on that and have just been trying for new machines. Wanted to redo the kitchen to change the layout, gave up on that and just tried for new counters/backsplash. Gave up on refinishing the hardwoods. We have 26 year old bathrooms,etc. I’m not asking to do all or even most just feel like we should start somewhere. But it’s truly a non-starter with him. Or he’ll just yell in anger “fine, do whatever you want!” but really who is going to move forward with that kind of endorsement?

Eventually, I just called a contractor and said we are meeting with contractor, and we hired him, and we did the work I wanted to do. I paid for it from my savings, I financed what I couldn't pay for, and I paid that off. A lot of times I have a non-starter as well ... I don't think we'll ever get the other things I want I unless I take the same tactic again. DH did have to do a lot of research and decision making with me, but it was happening. But it took me YEARS to get to that point to realize that DH would always have an excuse why NOT to do something. And it wasn't about him being frugal. It was about not wanting change, and thinking what we had was good enough (it wasn't). Getting to the point where you can do something without buy-in is difficult.

Both of you are equal members of the marriage. It is unreasonable for him to veto everything and not even try to compromise with you. It's controlling.