Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your 17 year old did not choose to have kids - you did. It's your job, not hers.

Also, this article has been making some rounds. You might find reading it helpful.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/10/when-kids-have-to-parent-their-siblings-it-affects-them-for-life/543975

Oh boo hiss. The mom isn't asking her to breastfeed.

Chores are chores and part of being a family.

Absolutely. Contribute to the household is one thing, but being a caretaker for others is something else - she didn't choose to have kids and should not be required to pick up after others. Pick up after herself? Absolutely. If you want her to take care of your kids, maybe you should pay her?

Do your kids only wash their own dinner plate after dinner?

How is this similar? I'm thinking something like - if someone cook/prep, the others clean. It's a tradeoff.

Are the younger siblings doing something that really helps the older sister, where there's a sort of even exchange of duties? If so, what? But being the oldest does not mean you have to provide free childcare. If you want her to take care of others, pay her - but she's not a free babysitter.

And I say that as the youngest child in a large family.

I am a middle child of five wo I do not have a beef with this.

BUT...

The younger kids were drug and carted all over God's green earth growing up to the older siblings' activities, plays, recitals, practices, games, etc etc. The older kids rarely if ever attend the younger siblings events or activities, if ever. If they are theboldest especially, they give the youngest siblings a fraction of the support that the younger siblings get back over the years growing up, even more so if there is more than a 2-4 year age difference.

This seems to hold true with every family I know that has more than two kids (like OPs family).

So the younger kids have given older sibling so much more than the older sibling gives to the younger ones. The teen years (helping to sit or drive, helping with homework, etc.) is a tiny way that teenage older siblings can give back to their younger siblings.

Anonymous wrote:Does the 17 yr old have a car? A car that you bought her? Your answer is right there.

I don't think she should have to babysit them every day after school - she should be allowed to have her own life. But once a week? Sure. Dropping them at school on the way to hers? If she wouldn't have to leave earlier, then sure.

I agree.

Unless she purchased the car with her own money, pays her own insurance and gas, and takes csre of repairs and maintenance, she gets to drive her sisters to school.

If not, she gets to ride the bus and you drive the sisters. Or you drive all three of them.

A teenager who does not own or pay for the csr and its related expenses does not get to dictate how said car gets to be used. Period.

Babysitting is another story. Pay her like you would any other teen to sit. Give her the option of saying no.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I have a feeling that many of these posters lack any empathy and don't understand what it means to have less than a ton of money. I have a feeling your daughter doesn't have a car...

Why is she refusing? I can see why she is refusing to have her day be completely filled with childcare at the expense of being a teen. I know my kid often meets his friends after school to study or hang. He belongs to a club. All that would have to go if he were stuck babysitting.

Also, I would investigate how her siblings behave to her when you are out of sight. I had driving responsibilities for my brother. He knew I couldn't throw him out of the car or ground him if he behaved like a little shit, so he did. My mom gave me all the responsibility with no control. It sucked.

So yeah, it is clear your family needs her to step up. I'd try to talk to her about making sure there isn't more going on.

Also, do her sisters really need babysitting? Are they really that young?

Of course, she may also be just awful, but I'll leave it to the other posters to discuss that possibility.

Real mom would have give some more details, this is a petulant kid posting.

We are very close in our family and we help each other.

My oldest accompanies the youngest.
And my youngest helps him learn his French, Latin and ancient Greek off by heart (she looks at the sheet while he repeats and spells them out in front of her).

This is the expectation. It's not that we think the oldest should be a surrogate parent. It's that everyone pitches in somehow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your 17 year old did not choose to have kids - you did. It's your job, not hers.

Also, this article has been making some rounds. You might find reading it helpful.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/10/when-kids-have-to-parent-their-siblings-it-affects-them-for-life/543975

Oh boo hiss. The mom isn't asking her to breastfeed.

Chores are chores and part of being a family.

Asking a teenager to drive a sibling to school (in the car you bought) is a far cry from requiring a 6 year old to soothe an infant in the middle of the night. A certain amount of interdependence is what makes a family a family.

Hmmm. This sounds like a troll to me. First of all, elementary and middle school starts after high school, in many ares in DC, unless you are talking private school. Plus how is OP appalled by this, she raised her DD and this behavior is not news to her. I suspect some teen has found her way to DCUM and is doing the the same as pp who pretends to be MIL but is actually a hateful DIL. So, all I will say to OP, maybe stop being such a spoiled brat and you might get to keep the car.

How old are her sisters and what time does their school start? What time does your 17 year old daughter's school start?

If dropping her sisters off to school means that the older one has to get up a lot earlier than she usually would or if it means that she risks running late to her own school, maybe your daughter has a very legitimate issue.

If watching the girls after school means that your eldest can't stay late for her own after school activities/tutoring/volunteering that could be a problem. If your daughter is having a hard time getting her homework done because her sisters are a handful, that's another problem.

Senior year is a tough year for our kids. Often times they are doing college level work in a variety of classes, they have leadership responsibilities at school, they have a whole variety of activities that they are involved in.

Talk to your daughter. Maybe she doesn't want to drive her sisters to school because it doesn't look cool. Maybe she doesn't want to be stuck at home with little kids every afternoon and she would rather be out shopping with her friends. I am going to guess it runs deeper than that though.

Driving my sister to school and home was a condition for the car my parents provided. Babysitting wouldn't have been though.

OP - I have a feeling that many of these posters lack any empathy and don't understand what it means to have less than a ton of money. I have a feeling your daughter doesn't have a car...

Why is she refusing? I can see why she is refusing to have her day be completely filled with childcare at the expense of being a teen. I know my kid often meets his friends after school to study or hang. He belongs to a club. All that would have to go if he were stuck babysitting.

Also, I would investigate how her siblings behave to her when you are out of sight. I had driving responsibilities for my brother. He knew I couldn't throw him out of the car or ground him if he behaved like a little shit, so he did. My mom gave me all the responsibility with no control. It sucked.

So yeah, it is clear your family needs her to step up. I'd try to talk to her about making sure there isn't more going on.

Also, do her sisters really need babysitting? Are they really that young?

Of course, she may also be just awful, but I'll leave it to the other posters to discuss that possibility.

Anonymous wrote:How is she supposed to get herself to school on time and take her little sisters to school?

Maybe they are in middle school?

Anonymous wrote:How is she supposed to get herself to school on time and take her little sisters to school?

This is my thought.

Most parents struggle to get to work by 9 dropping of ES kids. Since HS starts earlier or at the same time as ES at most public and private schools, I can’t see how this is even possible unless the HS is on a 4x4 schedule and OP’s DD has the first 90 min block off every day.

Asking her to drive them to school, if it's close or on the way and you're paying for her car / gas, is fair. Expecting her to be your after school care provider is NOT. Absolutely not.

Anonymous wrote:I’m gonna take ops side on this - if I were the 17 year old I wouldn’t have to be asked to do these things. Maybe I’m just family oriented. I think the 17 year old doesn’t have great character and is probably selfish.

Exactly.

I'm surprised your 17 year old has no.after school activities

How is she supposed to get herself to school on time and take her little sisters to school?