Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly.... it’s not your business. It’s their relationship. You are triangulating. Let your husband decide.

This. Not your place. Your husband is an adult and can decide how he wants to respond and move forward. And imo, not responding is perfectly valid should he chose that.

The DCUM way would be to respond "Cool story, Bro!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

This. Go ahead and forgive.
Call, send gifts and cards, and invite them to visit you but never make plans that depend on them.

Why bother?

Because that is what good people do. If he is toxic during the conversations you stop calling. Our family does not do gift/cards.

I have 7 brothers. They are often stupid and inconsiderate. It's not worth cutting him off, but he is not worth too much energy right now. In another decade, maybe.

Have they ever done something as bad as this?
Your brothers continue being stupid and inconsiderate because they expect to have their way. Not a good lesson in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

This. Go ahead and forgive.
Call, send gifts and cards, and invite them to visit you but never make plans that depend on them.

Why bother?

Because that is what good people do. If he is toxic during the conversations you stop calling. Our family does not do gift/cards.

I have 7 brothers. They are often stupid and inconsiderate. It's not worth cutting him off, but he is not worth too much energy right now. In another decade, maybe.

Whoa. I have only one stupid and inconsiderate brother offset by a smart and kind one. The first is not completely terrible so i don't cut him off, I just lower my expectations.

Well, today, TWO years later, DH gets an email from BIL with two lines:

I apologize for what I did wrong. Your wife says you are a forgiving person.

Mommy made him apologize. Has MIL said she'd like to have holidays with both her sons and their families?

Your husband wants to ignore it. I would ignore it, too, until BIL invites DH only, again, to share a holiday with BIL and his family. BIL is not going to change and he doesn't do any of these horrible things because of his wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

This. Go ahead and forgive.
Call, send gifts and cards, and invite them to visit you but never make plans that depend on them.

Why bother?

Because that is what good people do. If he is toxic during the conversations you stop calling. Our family does not do gift/cards.

I have 7 brothers. They are often stupid and inconsiderate. It's not worth cutting him off, but he is not worth too much energy right now. In another decade, maybe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

This. Go ahead and forgive.
Call, send gifts and cards, and invite them to visit you but never make plans that depend on them.

Why bother?

I would reply "thanks" to the message. "No" to any requests whatsoever or plans together. It's not as hard as you may think. Then again, it's DH's business. Stay out of it. I say this as someone whose father had a huge life-long falling out with his brother. Rumors are wives were involved, but I have no clue. I just know it's best to let them fight it out without you in the picture.

Anonymous wrote:Reply: Thanks bro.

Then don't ever plan anything with them again.

This. Go ahead and forgive.
Call, send gifts and cards, and invite them to visit you but never make plans that depend on them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.

+1

This seems to me like BIL is checking some box with some third party (prob FIL/MIL) so that if your DH continues to rightfully ice him out he can say "well I apologized! He won't forgive me!"

Yes, OR he suddenly has a favor to ask.

Anonymous wrote:"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.

+1

This seems to me like BIL is checking some box with some third party (prob FIL/MIL) so that if your DH continues to rightfully ice him out he can say "well I apologized! He won't forgive me!"

Anonymous wrote:Way too long post.

I usually agree but in this case there weren't extraneous facts or tangents and there were helpful paragraph breaks, so I think OP did a good job of recapping what has gone on from their point of view.

Anonymous wrote:
"Apology noted."

That's all he has to respond, if he wants to respond.

I like this.

The cabin situation was outrageous, and would have left me with the sense this guy is 100% self-absorbed. The thanksgiving thing is unforgivable in my book. There's always a way to make room for family.

Also, "I apologize for what I did wrong" is a non-apology. Think I'd just ignore the message if I were your DH. Agree you should support him in whatever course of action he wants to take, but I wouldn't want that d*ck anywhere around my family, and it sounds like you won't lose your MIL and FIL over it, so there's no need to try to work anything out.

"I apologize for what I did wrong" is what you say when you don't feel you have done anything wrong. In your mind you aren't apologizing for anything because you didn't do anything wrong, but you hope it appeases the person who thinks you did.