Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 09:22     Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad Format

1. Person # 1 asks "What are you mad about?" (doesn't have to be about their partner, could be about anything).

2. Person #2 says "I am mad about..."

3. Person #1 repeats back what they heard. If correct, Person #2 says okay. If not correct, Person #2 clarifies and Person #1 attempts again.

4. Repeat Steps 1-3.

5. Person # 1 asks "Is there anything else you are mad about?"

6. If Person # 2 says there is nothing, then you move on to sad.

7. Person #1 asks "What are you sad about?"

8. Repeat Steps 2-6.

9. Person # 1 asks "What are you scared about?"

10. Repeat Steps 2-6.

11. Person #1 asks "What are you glad about?"

12. Hug.

13. Switch roles. Person #2 does all the asking and repeating back, while Person #1 does all the sharing.

14. Hug.

Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 09:20     Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Recap of the whole of DCUM:

Men connect by having sex and are more willing then to do the stuff that women want, which is connecting emotionally, which makes women more likely to want to have sex with their husbands, which will make those husbands more willing to connect emotionally

.... this is a circle, folks, and somebody has to jump in and start. It is MUCH easier to start with sex. Yeah. Just DO it.

Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 09:17     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.

You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.


When you first started dating physical intimacy was a key part of the connection. As a man I agree that reconnecting physically sparks the emotional bond. So yes. Go back to what you did in the beginning. Which was likely have physical intimacy.


For men. For women it's the other way around. Reconnecting via an amotional bond triggers the desire to reconnect physically


OP is a woman, asking how to reconnect with her man.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 09:08     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.

You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.


When you first started dating physical intimacy was a key part of the connection. As a man I agree that reconnecting physically sparks the emotional bond. So yes. Go back to what you did in the beginning. Which was likely have physical intimacy.


For men. For women it's the other way around. Reconnecting via an amotional bond triggers the desire to reconnect physically
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 08:38     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.

You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.


Obviously this was posted by a woman. Trust me, for a man, sex is THE best (only?) way to "reconnect with spouse". Men don't need "acknowledging feelings... selflessness.... thoughtfulness"... men just need regular sex.


Men who just had a child die "connect" best by having sex. Never heard that... can you please post a link to a study that shows that?

Did you have a child die?


No I did not have a child die. I am not aware of any studies on this topic. In the absence of studies, it is reasonable to assume that men's best (only?) way to connect remains effective. Sex. On what basis would you think that the standard rules for male bonding don't apply?
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 08:34     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.

You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.


Obviously this was posted by a woman. Trust me, for a man, sex is THE best (only?) way to "reconnect with spouse". Men don't need "acknowledging feelings... selflessness.... thoughtfulness"... men just need regular sex.


I'm sure you're right PP.

But I'm a wife who tried that strategy and it made things worse for me/us. It made me extremely angry and resentful that he was getting his needs met and that I wasn't. There was no "fake it til you make it" for me. If I were also a man then maybe your way would work. Unfortunately only one of us is male.


And if a man posted jere asking for advice on how-to connect, I might tell him to meet YOUR female needs (whatever those are... obviously not sex).
But OP is a woman, asking how to connect with her spouse (a man). I (and many others) have answered her question correctly: sex.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 08:30     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.

You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.


Obviously this was posted by a woman. Trust me, for a man, sex is THE best (only?) way to "reconnect with spouse". Men don't need "acknowledging feelings... selflessness.... thoughtfulness"... men just need regular sex.


I'm sure you're right PP.

But I'm a wife who tried that strategy and it made things worse for me/us. It made me extremely angry and resentful that he was getting his needs met and that I wasn't. There was no "fake it til you make it" for me. If I were also a man then maybe your way would work. Unfortunately only one of us is male.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 08:24     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.

You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.


Obviously this was posted by a woman. Trust me, for a man, sex is THE best (only?) way to "reconnect with spouse". Men don't need "acknowledging feelings... selflessness.... thoughtfulness"... men just need regular sex.


Men who just had a child die "connect" best by having sex. Never heard that... can you please post a link to a study that shows that?

Did you have a child die?
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 08:19     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.

You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.


Obviously this was posted by a woman. Trust me, for a man, sex is THE best (only?) way to "reconnect with spouse". Men don't need "acknowledging feelings... selflessness.... thoughtfulness"... men just need regular sex.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 08:13     Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This might sound simplistic, but weekly date nights are really helpful. When my husband and I were going through a stressful time we made sure to go out on Friday nights. We would talk about the kids and work for a few minutes, but then we would talk about us. It just seemed to start the weekend off on a more positive note and helped us to connect. I agree 100% about counseling in the future. Good luck OP!


I was going to suggest scheduling date night.




And WEAR a dress, thong and heels. Men aren't that complicated.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 08:12     Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This might sound simplistic, but weekly date nights are really helpful. When my husband and I were going through a stressful time we made sure to go out on Friday nights. We would talk about the kids and work for a few minutes, but then we would talk about us. It just seemed to start the weekend off on a more positive note and helped us to connect. I agree 100% about counseling in the future. Good luck OP!


I was going to suggest scheduling date night.


And where a dress, thong and heels. Men aren't that complicated.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 08:06     Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:This might sound simplistic, but weekly date nights are really helpful. When my husband and I were going through a stressful time we made sure to go out on Friday nights. We would talk about the kids and work for a few minutes, but then we would talk about us. It just seemed to start the weekend off on a more positive note and helped us to connect. I agree 100% about counseling in the future. Good luck OP!


I was going to suggest scheduling date night.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 07:24     Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
This might sound simplistic, but weekly date nights are really helpful. When my husband and I were going through a stressful time we made sure to go out on Friday nights. We would talk about the kids and work for a few minutes, but then we would talk about us. It just seemed to start the weekend off on a more positive note and helped us to connect. I agree 100% about counseling in the future. Good luck OP!
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 07:22     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.


Forced physical intimacy, when there's a lack of emotional intimacy behind it, can drive people further apart rather than bring them together.


+1

This is an incredibly simplistic response given what OP and her spouse have been dealing with.


Disagree. It doesn’t have to be sex at the moment, but you need to be touching a lot. Hold his hand on the couch, touch the back of his neck, hug, etc.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2017 07:18     Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Everybody needs closeness and intimacy. Both physical and emotional. This isn't an either or. OP is asking for help. I think the physical closeness & sex is a good strategy, and it may work (but it may not, I get that). Dismissing it out of hand because it isn't YOUR MO isn't useful.