Anonymous
11/24/2017 19:42
Subject: Re:What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
Anonymous wrote:You are a good person for considering this, OP. I don’t think I would say yes given the history here, but if you do, I think you should agree on a trial basis and set some ground rules with a one-strike policy. You can be gentle but firm about this; your kids need stability and should not be exposed to adults doing dangerous and inappropriate things in your home.
- No controlled substances in the house and he needs to continue going to AA/support meetings.
- He pays rent (I would set a below-market amount and, if you don’t need the money, put it aside in a separate account to give back to him when he moves out) and helps with household chores — give him one or two things that he’s responsible for doing every week (making sure all trash is on the curb on trash day, etc.)
I would also set aside some time, if you can, to help him make a longer-term plan: getting a GED (if he isn’t a HS graduate), taking community college or vocational classes, helping him budget so he can eventually be self-sufficient, etc. Hopefully if he starts doing these things, he’ll be able to get on his feet and this won’t be an open-ended arrangement that goes on for a long time.
I think I would go this route. It doesn't sound like he's dangerous, yes he made some bad choices, but this also sounds like a young person with a lot of pain who hasn't had a lot of support. This is a lot different than a spoiled and entitled kid demanding to come home after flunking out of college from partying too much. I think family support and having a family environment could be great thing for him.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 17:17
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
OP here.
Thank you all for your replies.
I feel like I should say the first time he lived with us was years ago when the oldest was a baby and we were not prepared to care for an infant and a traumatized teenager at the same time. He was running away, smoking pot, abusing otcs, stealing etc.
The legal trouble was from when he tried to defend his mother against her boyfriend at the time, again also when he was a teen.
Though we don't need the rent if he were to live with us , there is no way we can afford to rent a place for him to live.
I also don't think he would stay in a halfway house. He was in a group home as a teen and ran away twice.
His mother won't have him she's gotten herself together and "moved on with her life."
So I really feel like DH and I are all he has. He's been on and off about contact the last few years with sporadic phone calls mostly when drunk or high. We always told him we would be there for him if he wanted us to . I wonder if saying no now makes us liers. He's had no one to depend on and I hate to think we're letting him down again.
Thank you all for your replies.
I feel like I should say the first time he lived with us was years ago when the oldest was a baby and we were not prepared to care for an infant and a traumatized teenager at the same time. He was running away, smoking pot, abusing otcs, stealing etc.
The legal trouble was from when he tried to defend his mother against her boyfriend at the time, again also when he was a teen.
Though we don't need the rent if he were to live with us , there is no way we can afford to rent a place for him to live.
I also don't think he would stay in a halfway house. He was in a group home as a teen and ran away twice.
His mother won't have him she's gotten herself together and "moved on with her life."
So I really feel like DH and I are all he has. He's been on and off about contact the last few years with sporadic phone calls mostly when drunk or high. We always told him we would be there for him if he wanted us to . I wonder if saying no now makes us liers. He's had no one to depend on and I hate to think we're letting him down again.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 17:11
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
Eff no. Because of the kids. Because of the alcohol and drug history. And because it didn’t work before.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 16:30
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would help him find a place and help out with the rent. It might be different if you didn't have little kids, but at that age, no, I wouldn't move him in.
In addition to helping with the rent, I'd offer him a standing invitation to Sunday supper or something like that, so you can maintain a relationship with him and offer him some stability, a place he can feel comfortable coming to and people he can talk to.
I like these suggestions. Is there a garage apartment or English basement apartment in the neighborhood? Or does anyone rent rooms? You might send out a request on your neighborhood list serve or NextDoor or something. I really like the idea about Sunday supper. Maybe even Friday game night or something.
Why should a neighbor take in the junkie that the family doesn't want? Do you really think he's going to come for Sunday dinner and birthdays after you tell him he's too much of a junkie to be around your kids or live in your house? Give me a break! That suggestion is purely about being able to pat yourself on the back and think you've done something and you can tell all your friends at church about your wayward cousin that you are ministering to. If you don't want him around. You don't want him around. Period.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 16:24
Subject: Re:What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
Anonymous wrote:I'm long-term sober. Basically, if I were in your position, I would NOT let him live with me and my family. My first obligation is to them, especially to my minor children. You can better help your cousin by keeping him from developing a dependence on you. That would be the result if he lives with you. He needs to learn to live like an adult. Don't get him out of jams. Help him learn to take care of himself.
1. I love the suggestion a PP made to imagine that future time when he tells you that "he could do so much better and so much more" if you let him live with you. Practice your speech telling him, "No, I love you, but you are not going to live with us. I am going to help you find a place to live."
2. For certain, a halfway house sounds like the way to go. He will be surrounded by other people also trying to change their lives. He will have reduced rent. He will have boundaries enforced by people who specialize in it.
3. Also loved what a PP said about, "It's easy to let him in but it's very hard to put him out if that becomes necessary." That drama could be anything from financially devastating to traumatizing to your family.
4. The best thing an addict/alcoholic can do is to hit bottom. Don't get between him and his bottom. His bottom has left him homeless. Giving him a place to live will not keep him sober (ask people at an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting if you're unconvinced) and NOT giving him a place to live won't cause him to drink or use. (Ask people at an AA or NA meeting).
5. If you talk to him about a halfway house, and he refuses to really consider it, maybe that's because what he really wants is not sobriety/recovery, but rather to get out of his current jackpot. Don't get him out of his current jackpot. His best bet for a good life is to stay away from ANY drugs or alcohol (I'm not including anti-depressants or similar meds). Don't take it as your problem to solve. It is his problem, and when he reaches out for help from AA, NA, or some professional rehab, he will be starting to find a solution. You don't have the solution to his problem.
All my best.
I'm so glad we have found an answer to addiction in America!
Anonymous
11/24/2017 15:54
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
Anonymous wrote:I would help him find a place and help out with the rent. It might be different if you didn't have little kids, but at that age, no, I wouldn't move him in.
In addition to helping with the rent, I'd offer him a standing invitation to Sunday supper or something like that, so you can maintain a relationship with him and offer him some stability, a place he can feel comfortable coming to and people he can talk to.
I like these suggestions. Is there a garage apartment or English basement apartment in the neighborhood? Or does anyone rent rooms? You might send out a request on your neighborhood list serve or NextDoor or something. I really like the idea about Sunday supper. Maybe even Friday game night or something.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 15:51
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
No, J wouldn't let a junkie anywhere near my children. I wouldn't let them in my house (BTW, check your money, credit card statements, and valuables).
Anonymous
11/24/2017 15:18
Subject: Re:What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
I'd offer to apartment hunt for him and put up 30-50% in rent for a short time - see if he's willing to do that to get back on his fee. Co-sign for the place if he can't get it on his own.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 14:42
Subject: Re:What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
I'm long-term sober. Basically, if I were in your position, I would NOT let him live with me and my family. My first obligation is to them, especially to my minor children. You can better help your cousin by keeping him from developing a dependence on you. That would be the result if he lives with you. He needs to learn to live like an adult. Don't get him out of jams. Help him learn to take care of himself.
1. I love the suggestion a PP made to imagine that future time when he tells you that "he could do so much better and so much more" if you let him live with you. Practice your speech telling him, "No, I love you, but you are not going to live with us. I am going to help you find a place to live."
2. For certain, a halfway house sounds like the way to go. He will be surrounded by other people also trying to change their lives. He will have reduced rent. He will have boundaries enforced by people who specialize in it.
3. Also loved what a PP said about, "It's easy to let him in but it's very hard to put him out if that becomes necessary." That drama could be anything from financially devastating to traumatizing to your family.
4. The best thing an addict/alcoholic can do is to hit bottom. Don't get between him and his bottom. His bottom has left him homeless. Giving him a place to live will not keep him sober (ask people at an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting if you're unconvinced) and NOT giving him a place to live won't cause him to drink or use. (Ask people at an AA or NA meeting).
5. If you talk to him about a halfway house, and he refuses to really consider it, maybe that's because what he really wants is not sobriety/recovery, but rather to get out of his current jackpot. Don't get him out of his current jackpot. His best bet for a good life is to stay away from ANY drugs or alcohol (I'm not including anti-depressants or similar meds). Don't take it as your problem to solve. It is his problem, and when he reaches out for help from AA, NA, or some professional rehab, he will be starting to find a solution. You don't have the solution to his problem.
All my best.
1. I love the suggestion a PP made to imagine that future time when he tells you that "he could do so much better and so much more" if you let him live with you. Practice your speech telling him, "No, I love you, but you are not going to live with us. I am going to help you find a place to live."
2. For certain, a halfway house sounds like the way to go. He will be surrounded by other people also trying to change their lives. He will have reduced rent. He will have boundaries enforced by people who specialize in it.
3. Also loved what a PP said about, "It's easy to let him in but it's very hard to put him out if that becomes necessary." That drama could be anything from financially devastating to traumatizing to your family.
4. The best thing an addict/alcoholic can do is to hit bottom. Don't get between him and his bottom. His bottom has left him homeless. Giving him a place to live will not keep him sober (ask people at an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting if you're unconvinced) and NOT giving him a place to live won't cause him to drink or use. (Ask people at an AA or NA meeting).
5. If you talk to him about a halfway house, and he refuses to really consider it, maybe that's because what he really wants is not sobriety/recovery, but rather to get out of his current jackpot. Don't get him out of his current jackpot. His best bet for a good life is to stay away from ANY drugs or alcohol (I'm not including anti-depressants or similar meds). Don't take it as your problem to solve. It is his problem, and when he reaches out for help from AA, NA, or some professional rehab, he will be starting to find a solution. You don't have the solution to his problem.
All my best.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 14:15
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
See if you can get into a recovery house. There he would like better support in his quest for continued sobriety.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 14:09
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
No, help him go into a half way house/next step. If you didn't have young kids, sure, but he's had multiple changes and the easy way doesn't work for him. You can be there to emotionally support without financial. If he were in school and no drugs, I'd say yes, but he's an adult (if he were a kid I'd say differently too).
Anonymous
11/24/2017 13:56
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
Anonymous wrote:Tough one OP. Not with my minor children, especially if it has ended badly in the past! And there could be drugs in the mid. But I would not want a relative living on the streets either. And it sounds like this is where your nephew is headed.
So I guess that your best option may be to help him find safe, affordable housing, and get himself back on his feet. If he is just out of rehab, maybe a halfway house is the next step? They should be able to help him get hooked up with social services, hold NA meeting, etc.. And once he gets settled and has been sober a while, encourage him to go to a community college part time and get a marketable skill.
Also, I would not let him take your kids on an outing until he has been sober for a while. But, still makes sure he feels like a member of the family, and invite him over to your house for dinner, or out for dinner, or on family day trips, and make sure he has someplace to go for holiday meals, and that you make a birthday cake, and celebrate, etc.
So be supportive family—absolutely. It sounds like he needs it. Have him live with you? I wouln’t— at least not when he is just out of rehab.
NP here. OP, this post has an excellent idea: Your cousin should already be getting help from the rehab facility so he can re-integrate into life. Didn't they give him any guidance on getting in touch with Narcotics Anonymous? With finding a halfway house (which can be crowded and closed to new residents) or some other contacts for finding a place to live temporarily? He may be reluctant to ask them. He may feel that he doesn't need to "go see a social worker." But he does. The biggest gift you can give him is some of your time as you help him navigate whatever social services your city/county/state have that he can tap into. There may not be a lot, but I wonder if he has pursued any at all. Show him that these services are there for him and he needs to use them. He also needs a job, maybe two jobs, and you can help him navigate that. But do not take him into your house, period. I get that you want to help, but please don't let those feelings overrule your good sense telling you that he doesn't need to be around your kids at all. Remind yourself that his living with you has already been tried and it failed.
Then do as this PP recommends and invite him for meals and remember his birthday and otherwise stay in touch, but be strong -- do not cave to any appeals for you to let him stay "just for a few weeks" etc. Be prepared for that. Be ready for him to call or turn up, upset or angry or crying, and say that if only you would let him live there he could do so much better. If you picture the scenario now and prepare your speech now, you will be less likely to give in if his requests to live with you turn into begging or guilting you.
Your DH may need to spend a little more time with the kids for a while as you help this cousin go to see social workers or get to job interviews. But don't take him in.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 12:30
Subject: What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
NO you have a responsibility to your family. You can not put that in jeopardy for a good deed. NO
Anonymous
11/24/2017 12:28
Subject: Re:What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
Anonymous wrote:Just love how everyone is quick to say no because minor children are in the picture. Good excuse btw.
Do you have young children yourself? Notice plenty of pp's suggested helping with his rent, which is clearly a larger financial burden. Op's first responsibility is to her little kids, and a 20yo with a history of addiction is not an ideal person to have around them.
Anonymous
11/24/2017 12:23
Subject: Re:What would you do? 20 yo almost 21 yo cousin wants to live with us?
Just love how everyone is quick to say no because minor children are in the picture. Good excuse btw.