What about his male needs?

I'm not going to be as nice as some of the previous posters. OP, if you are happy being miserable and playing the martyr game, then by all means, sleep your life away. However, you are making a choice. You are not a victim. If you want to feel better, take the focus off of yourself. Your attitude shows exactly what is wrong in much of America today. I would bet that you have a roof over your head, food on your table, clean water to drink, etc. Just that alone makes you better off than the majority of the population of this planet. Stop spending time dwelling on how bad you have it and focus on how good you have it. Do the things that you love for the Holidays and I'll bet you'll find your family loves them as well. No one likes a martyr. I have adult children as well and I understand that it isn't always easy.

Well BAH HUM BUG to you too!

We have never done the holiday thing all out. Instead, we hang out, maybe have a few friends over for T day, drink a lot of wine, etc. One year we made a big lasagna and watched movies with the 2 kids--that's it. We dont decorate our house for xmas or have a million people over. My kids already get too many presents from grandparents, so we dont buy them any more. (their bdays are in january so they get something nice then). We dont buy gifts for each other and we dont buy for most of the family. I stock up on starbucks gift cards for everyone else (teachers, etc) and my kids like to deliver with handmade cards.

THis year, we decided to go to florida for the xmas==just the 4 of us, in a cheap motel. We'll go out to a nice restaurant and spend 5 days checking out fun things to do and playing board games if it rains.

I do this in part because every year I was expected to do xmas with my dad and stepmom, and every year she goes insane at christmas. Part of it is that snhe goesoverboard, shopping the whole year, giving out hundreds of weird presents (like the endless change purses she buys while traveling the world, or boxes of tea or pens, etc), wants to control the holiday like clockwork and every.single.year she flies into really scary rages--at either me, my brother, one of our spouses or kids for the slightest reason. Like crazy, storming out of the house, screaming, etc--because of the most minor thing (one year my brother and SIL slept int until 10 am xmas morning and evidently stepmother was raging around all morning because they had ruined her plans-which had not been shared--to open presents at 9 am. She then stormed out of the house and refused to open any at all the whole holiday and screamed at them that they were ungrateful and had ruined her xmas--this is a grown woman). It has been years of walking on eggshells starting when I was an adolescent. None of us want the freaking presents, or the stress, or care that the entire house is decorated and that's she's spent months doing it because it always ends in rages because she doesn't feel fulfilled, loved, who knows what. A few years ago, I stopped the madness. No longer was going to expose my kid to that scary anger. It caused big issues--she felt even more offended and angry, but that is her problem, not ours. I was tired of being the scapegoat for her holiday issues and tired of being guilted by my dad into performing the holiday sacrifice, which is to constantly praise her amazing efforts in a futile attempt to prevent her meltdowns which have happened every single xmas that I have spent with her for the past 27 years.

So, for me, the best holidays are one where there is NO STRESS and no expectations on either side. If getting together with family will be fun, low key and collaborative, great. But I do not stress about cooking, decorating, presents, scheduling, etc. If a family member starts to make demands or has high expectations of me or us, we simply bow out. You can too, OP, without being a martyr or drugging yourself.

Anonymous wrote:I've had enough of trying to be the good wife. I'm installing a TV in my bedroom, stocking up on Ambien, Clonopin, and sleeping between work sessions. Our kids are grown. I don't care how my husband feels. He can decorate, cook and entertain if he wants. I'm out.

Put some flannel sheets on the bed and a Lifetime holiday movie on the new TV and it's quite festive, actually.

We’ve scaled way back on thanksgiving and Xmas, although still do a lot. For a few years we went away for thanksgiving and had thanksgiving dinner at a fancy hotel. Once we went to London and skipped it altogether. Mostly to get away from family, we don’t mind cooking. Xmas is now immediate family not extended family. Much more low key. Some years (including this year) we leave Xmas day for skiing.

Sounds like it’s time for you to change things up. If what you are doing doesn’t work do something different. Let your adult children take over hosting or whatever. Go away for the weekend. Escaping with drugs seems like a bad option.

When have I ever done something I REALLY didn't want to do?

Not often.

Welcome to the club OP!

Seriously my BFF (who lives in Dallas) and I do this at least once per week. Then we message each other throughout our red wine and Netflix date.

You don't need to hibernate to avoid doing pointless things that no one cares about. I have little kids and I already don't do most of that stuff. I do a tree, but I don't send Xmas cards or any other decorating. We have an adult party every other year or so when we feel like it. If we go to my parents' or inlaws' they decorate and cook. If we host, we cook (DH and I - I'm certainly not shouldering it alone, especially since I don't care for most traditional holiday foods). Just do what you want with a smile and let your DH and adult children do the same.

OP, it sounds like you've been going too far in doing lots of unnecessary things you feel you need to do. Now you're having an equally extreme reaction in wanting to drug yourself and withdraw and do nothing.

So how about you take a rest, without drugs other than good escapist movies, shows, books, etc, and physical comfort. And while you're at it, throw out what you perceive as expectations, and figure out what YOU like about holidays. Only do the things you enjoy. And if that's nothing--take a vacation and get away for the the holidays.

If others care, let them take charge and do what they want during holidays. What's important to you?

Let go of everything else.

Are you one of those martyr moms that gets mad whenever anyone wants to do something that isn't her idea? It kind of sounds like it. "You want to do something I don't want to do? You don't like my idea and want to change it?! Fine, I'll just drug myself and stay in my room all the time!!!".

Anonymous wrote:I've had enough of trying to be the good wife. I'm installing a TV in my bedroom, stocking up on Ambien, Clonopin, and sleeping between work sessions. Our kids are grown. I don't care how my husband feels. He can decorate, cook and entertain if he wants. I'm out.

I'm sorry. Are you OK? You sound depressed (or angry?)

It's OK to skip the holidays and not do the decorating at all. I periodically stop, and my kids are youngish ... young enough to really want the Christmas tree. Don't feel guilty about it at all. When they ask, tell them they are welcome to do it. They won't, and you won't have to clean up after them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to bed for the next 2 months?

Yep. Ready for it to be over. Nothing I do to please husband/adult kids works. I just want to sleep and sleep. No holiday stress. Nothing. Just leave me alone.

Can that include posting your depressing shit here?

Anonymous wrote:I've had enough of trying to be the good wife. I'm installing a TV in my bedroom, stocking up on Ambien, Clonopin, and sleeping between work sessions. Our kids are grown. I don't care how my husband feels. He can decorate, cook and entertain if he wants. I'm out.

You should have stopped 30 years ago sucker.

Anonymous wrote:I'm only doing the things that I want to do now. Stopped carving pumpkins, eating out for Thanksgiving dinner. I like decorating and sometimes enjoy baking sugar cookies (and eating an obscene amount of raw dough). But it's for me, not out of obligation.

This.

Do the things that bring you pleasure during the holidays and skip the rest. Holidays should be fun for you, as well as fun for the family.