Who are you fooling? Joining a country club for the kid's tennis lessons and socializing... Are you upset that your wife is not helping you with the social ladder climb?

You sound a lot like my husband, right down to your misuse of the word "anti-social".

Did you happen to move to America from the east?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An Anti-social SAHM whose main hobby is shopping is not good. Bad traits in a SAHM.
Maybe depressed. Even introverts (like me) make some friends and have some social engagements.

First, tell her the "shopping" hobby has to stop.
Then, start therapy.
Then, she probably needs to get a job- might be good for her spirits, make her feel connected to people again. Your dd will be in full-time school soon and your wife needs to get a life that's more than your dd and shopping.

You're very quick to assume shopping I is really her only interest or hobby. OP is gone all day and really doesn't know. He may be a spouse who doesn't listen or a spouse who thinks she's antisocial because she doesn't want to socialize with him. Maybe they don't have the money for the SAHM to be out doing stuff during the day so all she can do is surf the net. Doesn't mean this is what she wants to be doing.

Clearly they have money to do stuff during the day - OP is talking about joining a country club. His wife sounds terribly depressed and I can't think it is healthy to internet shop and be home alone all day. You say that OP doesn't know - but you do?!

I am a huge introvert and a nerd - I still swim and work out, I see friends, I work, and I love spending time with DH either at home our out (with and without DD). Yeah, I hate parties and we limit those but still - I am able to attend a few because it is important to DH. He isn't crazy about classical music concerts but he goes for me.

I have to agree - I think OP's wife sounds depressed. Of course, it could be something else, but they both need to talk to someone.

Anonymous wrote:An Anti-social SAHM whose main hobby is shopping is not good. Bad traits in a SAHM.
Maybe depressed. Even introverts (like me) make some friends and have some social engagements.

First, tell her the "shopping" hobby has to stop.
Then, start therapy.
Then, she probably needs to get a job- might be good for her spirits, make her feel connected to people again. Your dd will be in full-time school soon and your wife needs to get a life that's more than your dd and shopping.

You're very quick to assume shopping I is really her only interest or hobby. OP is gone all day and really doesn't know. He may be a spouse who doesn't listen or a spouse who thinks she's antisocial because she doesn't want to socialize with him. Maybe they don't have the money for the SAHM to be out doing stuff during the day so all she can do is surf the net. Doesn't mean this is what she wants to be doing.

I don't think that antisocial means what you think it means.
Also, you sound very controlling. The fact that you make a lot of money and your wife is a SAHM does not mean that you get to control her social life.

An Anti-social SAHM whose main hobby is shopping is not good. Bad traits in a SAHM.
Maybe depressed. Even introverts (like me) make some friends and have some social engagements.

First, tell her the "shopping" hobby has to stop.
Then, start therapy.
Then, she probably needs to get a job- might be good for her spirits, make her feel connected to people again. Your dd will be in full-time school soon and your wife needs to get a life that's more than your dd and shopping.

Find a good marriage counselor, OP, now. It isn't about the country club or tennis (which you should totally get your DD into btw). This is about you being different people than the people who fell in love. You can work at falling in love again and seeing the other person for who they are now.

Divorce is so very damaging to kids so it has to be your very last resort.



And I do think your wife's behavior sounds like major depression.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I'm often frustrated with my anti-social DH. He is actually a workaholic and wants only to relax at home and hang out with our three children solo. He will say that our kids' friends' parents are just random people and has no desire to get to know them. It is now October and he does not know our children's friends' names. I think about leaving him ALL the time. I've posted on this forum previously and apparently since DH works, doesn't beat me and doesn't cheat, I am the horrible selfish one for wanting to leave.

DH does love our children and is a good father. I do everything for the kids for school, sports, activities, birthday parties, play dates, etc. All of that is a nuisance for DH.
'

I have a question for you PP...do you do all those activities for your own socializing or for your kids? If you SAH and your DH is the primary breadwinner, I also wonder what the point of leaving your DH would be just because he's not a people person.

Anonymous wrote:Why does she have to be more social? Join a country club and take your daughter for tennis.

Yap! it is on you OP!

Anonymous wrote:As an introvert, it would be best if you left her alone and stopped trying to force interactions. If you don't like her shopping, tell her that honestly. Maybe she should quit that activity - it's not a fulfilling one by any measure. But don't demand she replace that activity with socializing at a fucking lame-o country club just b/c you like it. How about an instrument or some other self-expression that doesn't involve people. Or maybe back to work?

My mom was an introvert, and I'm the only introvert of her 3 kids. My sisters have never complained. The mother's introversion isn't going to hurt the kid. You're the one with the issue there.

And just so you will possibly respect me, I'm a WOH mom and I make HIGH 3-figure salary (probably more than you!), so F#* your judgment of introverts.

PP, you had me at 3 figure, do you mean 5 or 6

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything you are posting is about you and what you want. What about what she wants. Stop threatening divorce and either divorce her or find a way to make the marriage better. If she likes shopping, go shopping with her. What activities does she want your child in - she is probably the one to drive her.

She is different according to OP - she has changed. That is a red flag. And it is very hard to go shopping with someone in the iphone/internet.

Or maybe he has changed and doesn't see it.

I'm often frustrated with my anti-social DH. He is actually a workaholic and wants only to relax at home and hang out with our three children solo. He will say that our kids' friends' parents are just random people and has no desire to get to know them. It is now October and he does not know our children's friends' names. I think about leaving him ALL the time. I've posted on this forum previously and apparently since DH works, doesn't beat me and doesn't cheat, I am the horrible selfish one for wanting to leave.

DH does love our children and is a good father. I do everything for the kids for school, sports, activities, birthday parties, play dates, etc. All of that is a nuisance for DH.
'

So you and your daughter are extroverts and your wife is an introvert.

You're upset with your wife and making an issue out of something that isn't. You can't change her, period. There's no point in trying to convince her to be "more social." She's not interested in doing this, and I don't see why it matters to you so much except that it's frustrating to you that you don't have the same interests/goals and you can't control what she does.

She didn't say not to join, and she isn't stopping you. She just said she doesn't want to do anything there. She's not trying to make you do things differently, so why are you trying to make her do things differently? Join if you want to, or don't. But don't make it about your wife.

It sounds like you need some couples therapy ASAP. Your DD will be fine in terms of socializing -- she'll be in school full-time next year, and she'll have plenty of socializing. Personally, I wouldn't join a country club for what you're looking for unless you want to network for your career (which may be what your DW sees this as and isn't interested). Otherwise, just enroll her in some general classes for things like tennis, soccer, whatever, and do your own activities or social events as desired.

If she's anything like my DH, she probably doesn't see any value in meeting new people for the sake of knowing new people. Nothing wrong with that. Better than being one of those awful Queen Bee suburban moms one reads about often on DCUM...just saying...