Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 20:27     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:what do you mean by criticism?

I nag a little--honey, do you mind picking up your socks? It bothers me to have dirty socks on our dining room table (yes, he leaves them on the table and yes, its gross to me).

but in terms of "you're not doing things right' criticism, rarely to never. Less than he does of me.

There is one exception. He is often way to harsh and critical of my son and frequently yells at him, grabs stuff out of his hands and is basically really impatient with him. That's where I step in and I do criticize his way of handling things. It really angers him but it is so bad for the two of them. I have tried to get him to address this, family therapy, etc. My son complains to me that his dad is always critical and overbearing.


Next time he leaves his socks on the dining room table (WTF??) maybe you should be impatient, grab whatever is his hands and yell at him to pick it up right now! I can’t imagine anything that a kid could do that would rank anywhere near the grossness of what your DH is doing. If he says something you can respond with: “oh but didn’t you just yell at Larlo because you had to remind him twice to do his homework? Then you grabbed his phone out of his hand when he didn’t move fast enough?” Give DH a big smile and say “I’m following your lead about how to treat each other in this family! CLEAN UP your shit - NOW!”
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 20:14     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:what do you mean by criticism?

I nag a little--honey, do you mind picking up your socks? It bothers me to have dirty socks on our dining room table (yes, he leaves them on the table and yes, its gross to me).

but in terms of "you're not doing things right' criticism, rarely to never. Less than he does of me.

There is one exception. He is often way to harsh and critical of my son and frequently yells at him, grabs stuff out of his hands and is basically really impatient with him. That's where I step in and I do criticize his way of handling things. It really angers him but it is so bad for the two of them. I have tried to get him to address this, family therapy, etc. My son complains to me that his dad is always critical and overbearing.


Is why this is all failing Unless he actually is just your son and in that case why did you marry a man when you didn't approve of how he interacts with your child?



NP, I don't think it means what you are reading into it. Her DH is his bio dad I think, and there is no way for us to travel to the future to figure out how husbands are going to parent.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 20:10     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Very rarely. We kind of disagree on this. He believes that if you are upset about something, you should bring it up and don't let it fester. I believe that if something isn't a big deal, you should just let it go. This means that he does a lot more of pulling me over to show me how the peanut butter lid wasn't screwed on right, and I do a lot more blowing my top.


OP here. This is exactly our problem. Our marriage counselor told him to knock it off, we've been reading a book on how destructive criticism is to a marriage, and he still thinks there's no problem, he's "just talking". Funny thing is, if I complain about anything (which I rarely do), it's "why are you being such a b****??"



Ah the good old double standard. Is he an arrogant insensitive jerk as well, like my ex?
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 17:41     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Very rarely. We kind of disagree on this. He believes that if you are upset about something, you should bring it up and don't let it fester. I believe that if something isn't a big deal, you should just let it go. This means that he does a lot more of pulling me over to show me how the peanut butter lid wasn't screwed on right, and I do a lot more blowing my top.


The peanut butter thing can be kind of big deal, the lid on wrong peanut butter on the sides leaves extra work and clean up for the next person. Which is just inconsiderate. It gets annoying for the spouse who is always doing the clean up. It's very frustrating when one spouse behaves as a child expecting to be swept up after.


Pp here, and the peanut butter thing is not a big deal. It is on the same level as leaving your shoes in the middle of the kitchen, not refilling the baby wipes container, not putting your clothes in the hamper, etc.



It's a big deal. Stop being a pig and clean up after yourself you are not a child.


So, should I be getting on him about all of the above? Or can we just both cut each other so me slack?
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 17:11     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Very rarely. We kind of disagree on this. He believes that if you are upset about something, you should bring it up and don't let it fester. I believe that if something isn't a big deal, you should just let it go. This means that he does a lot more of pulling me over to show me how the peanut butter lid wasn't screwed on right, and I do a lot more blowing my top.


The peanut butter thing can be kind of big deal, the lid on wrong peanut butter on the sides leaves extra work and clean up for the next person. Which is just inconsiderate. It gets annoying for the spouse who is always doing the clean up. It's very frustrating when one spouse behaves as a child expecting to be swept up after.


Pp here, and the peanut butter thing is not a big deal. It is on the same level as leaving your shoes in the middle of the kitchen, not refilling the baby wipes container, not putting your clothes in the hamper, etc.



It's a big deal. Stop being a pig and clean up after yourself you are not a child.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 17:08     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Never. I divorced the one that did it.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 16:52     Subject: How often do you criticize your spouse?
I've found myself biting my lip recently. Weirdly enough in the long silence, he'll often say a quick "love you." Give it a try!
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 16:02     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Very rarely. We kind of disagree on this. He believes that if you are upset about something, you should bring it up and don't let it fester. I believe that if something isn't a big deal, you should just let it go. This means that he does a lot more of pulling me over to show me how the peanut butter lid wasn't screwed on right, and I do a lot more blowing my top.


The peanut butter thing can be kind of big deal, the lid on wrong peanut butter on the sides leaves extra work and clean up for the next person. Which is just inconsiderate. It gets annoying for the spouse who is always doing the clean up. It's very frustrating when one spouse behaves as a child expecting to be swept up after.


Pp here, and the peanut butter thing is not a big deal. It is on the same level as leaving your shoes in the middle of the kitchen, not refilling the baby wipes container, not putting your clothes in the hamper, etc.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 16:02     Subject: How often do you criticize your spouse?
Too often. My executive coach at work told me to give 3 positives for every 1 negative when giving employees feedback. I try to do the same with DH now.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 13:08     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Very rarely. We kind of disagree on this. He believes that if you are upset about something, you should bring it up and don't let it fester. I believe that if something isn't a big deal, you should just let it go. This means that he does a lot more of pulling me over to show me how the peanut butter lid wasn't screwed on right, and I do a lot more blowing my top.


The peanut butter thing can be kind of big deal, the lid on wrong peanut butter on the sides leaves extra work and clean up for the next person. Which is just inconsiderate. It gets annoying for the spouse who is always doing the clean up. It's very frustrating when one spouse behaves as a child expecting to be swept up after.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 12:30     Subject: How often do you criticize your spouse?
And I'm going on year 3 of a sexless marriage so a lot of things that could be smoothed over has bubbled over the surface...
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 12:28     Subject: How often do you criticize your spouse?
Every damn day and sometimes into the night. He's an idiot and literally stands there staring at me with his mouth wide open no less instead of helping me or just not being in my way. Example: baby has a blow out and instead of getting some paper towels, he stands in the door way blocking the entrance to the bathroom. I would say excuse me but I have a towel in my mouth so I growl MOVE!
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 11:50     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
All day and all night. For example, she didn't ever do the dishes but felt the need to micromanage the way I loaded the dishwasher.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 11:49     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Never.

He criticized me about 10 times a day.

I asked for a divorce. He has been in intense therapy for 2 years and he still criticizes me about 4 times a day.

I won't live like this so I am proceeding with the divorce.
Anonymous
Post 10/29/2017 11:48     Subject: Re:How often do you criticize your spouse?
Unfortunately too much. We just aren’t on the same wave length. Everything I say he perceived as criticism and vice versa. At this point I’m not sure where we are.