Anonymous
Post 10/26/2017 11:01     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.


DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.


That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.


His father's new wife is not a family member.

OP, I usually support resolving conflicts with politeness but in this case your ex's wife is overstepping the boundaries with respect to your son, and his father is not stepping in. It doesn't matter if she's tired or if she didn't mean anything by it. I would teach your son to respond in a way that feels like a metaphysical slap in the face.

For instance:

"Hey Larlo, is this what your mom gave you for your birthday? Wow! Looks fancy! How much did this cost?"

Long look. Smile. Pause. "Why do you ask?"

Easy. Simple. Guaranteed to make her feel like shit.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2017 10:45     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say they have 50/50?

It sounds to me like she has primary custody and their son visits at the other house.


OP here. It is not a 50/50 custody. We decided a long time ago, way before his marriage, that I have the primary custody. He sees DS every other weekend. I provide all the clothing, I buy all of his electronics, I cover extracurricular activities and he is on my insurance. Oh, and I also feed him. He never goes to his father's house hungry.

I think I am doing more than enough financially. If his new wife feels that $350 is a LOT, then she is well...sad.


I agree with you. Short of being on disability, 4K a year seems like a minimal amount to help support the day-to-day activities of your child, like eating.

I also have to wonder how bad their financial situation is that 4K/yr is a noticeable hole in their family finances.


OP here. I never asked him point blank. But considering that exFILs financially support him like helping pay for daycare for one of the children, I say he is not doing THAT well.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2017 09:38     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say they have 50/50?

It sounds to me like she has primary custody and their son visits at the other house.


OP here. It is not a 50/50 custody. We decided a long time ago, way before his marriage, that I have the primary custody. He sees DS every other weekend. I provide all the clothing, I buy all of his electronics, I cover extracurricular activities and he is on my insurance. Oh, and I also feed him. He never goes to his father's house hungry.

I think I am doing more than enough financially. If his new wife feels that $350 is a LOT, then she is well...sad.


I agree with you. Short of being on disability, 4K a year seems like a minimal amount to help support the day-to-day activities of your child, like eating.

I also have to wonder how bad their financial situation is that 4K/yr is a noticeable hole in their family finances.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2017 00:48     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.


DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.


That's nice, but it appears he's been given an opportunity now to learn how - with your help - to maintain appropriate boundaries when family members try use their close relationships to challenge those boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 22:14     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.


DS is a polite boy who has been raised not to be snooty with other people, especially the ones in his parents' lives.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 22:12     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:Where did OP say they have 50/50?

It sounds to me like she has primary custody and their son visits at the other house.


OP here. It is not a 50/50 custody. We decided a long time ago, way before his marriage, that I have the primary custody. He sees DS every other weekend. I provide all the clothing, I buy all of his electronics, I cover extracurricular activities and he is on my insurance. Oh, and I also feed him. He never goes to his father's house hungry.

I think I am doing more than enough financially. If his new wife feels that $350 is a LOT, then she is well...sad.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 19:12     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Long story short: divorced several years ago, lovely child, that exDH and I adore. ExDH remarries, has a few babies, lives frugally, his parents help him out from time to time.

I have recently found out that new wife has been asking DS about MY finances like how much I make, how much our vacation cost, how much my car costs. Damn, she even asked him how much I paid for his birthday present. Finally, she asked about how much my BF makes. Obviously, DS had no idea because that's smth neither his father or I felt we needed to share with him.

I should mention that the child support exDH pays is very little compared to how much I spend on our child. Yes, I make more than he does, primarily because I invested in my career early on.

Why would she care so much?



Because she would like your exDH to be paying less child support, of course.

Don’t worry about it. If he asks for an adjustment, bring your numbers to court and let them decide. Sounds like you’ll be fine either way.

Do talk to your ex about telling his wife to quit talking to your DS about finances, because it’s not appropriate to put him in in the middle. That’s for your ex to negotiate, though, not you.


I don't know how much more we can adjust, unless he stops paying CS altogether. He pays (drum roll) $350/month.

I did talk to exDH about this. He felt uncomfortable and blurted out "oh, she is just tired. She doesn't mean anything by it. Don't be so sensitive."


From your exDH's reaction, it sounds like his wife is asking your son these questions at least in part at his behest. Interesting progression from trying to explain away the circumstances to diminishing you for addressing the matter with him.


Why did he even tell you this?? Tell him to keep these things to himself - that way there's no risk of your being 'sensitive'.

The new wife sounds kind of awful. Is she earning any money? Shouldn't they have discussed this before marriage ?
His son should be the most important thing in his life - I'm worried for your son.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 19:09     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Sounds like your son is old enough to answer that he doesn't really know or that it's none of her business, or we don't talk about money at home, or whatever you'd like him to say.

But also let your ex know it's not cool to put kid in middle of that.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 18:56     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Where did OP say they have 50/50?

It sounds to me like she has primary custody and their son visits at the other house.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 18:50     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:Long story short: divorced several years ago, lovely child, that exDH and I adore. ExDH remarries, has a few babies, lives frugally, his parents help him out from time to time.

I have recently found out that new wife has been asking DS about MY finances like how much I make, how much our vacation cost, how much my car costs. Damn, she even asked him how much I paid for his birthday present. Finally, she asked about how much my BF makes. Obviously, DS had no idea because that's smth neither his father or I felt we needed to share with him.

I should mention that the child support exDH pays is very little compared to how much I spend on our child. Yes, I make more than he does, primarily because I invested in my career early on.

Why would she care so much?



Duh. She wants to renegotiate the settlement.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 18:45     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:Rhetorical question or real?


New wife wants their $$ to go toward their kids.

In her mind, your money can go towards your kid with ex.

Simple as that.


This
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 18:44     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Long story short: divorced several years ago, lovely child, that exDH and I adore. ExDH remarries, has a few babies, lives frugally, his parents help him out from time to time.

I have recently found out that new wife has been asking DS about MY finances like how much I make, how much our vacation cost, how much my car costs. Damn, she even asked him how much I paid for his birthday present. Finally, she asked about how much my BF makes. Obviously, DS had no idea because that's smth neither his father or I felt we needed to share with him.

I should mention that the child support exDH pays is very little compared to how much I spend on our child. Yes, I make more than he does, primarily because I invested in my career early on.

Why would she care so much?



Because she would like your exDH to be paying less child support, of course.

Don’t worry about it. If he asks for an adjustment, bring your numbers to court and let them decide. Sounds like you’ll be fine either way.

Do talk to your ex about telling his wife to quit talking to your DS about finances, because it’s not appropriate to put him in in the middle. That’s for your ex to negotiate, though, not you.


I don't know how much more we can adjust, unless he stops paying CS altogether. He pays (drum roll) $350/month.

I did talk to exDH about this. He felt uncomfortable and blurted out "oh, she is just tired. She doesn't mean anything by it. Don't be so sensitive."


But surely your ex also buys him things at their house?


Define "things". DS comes to him with extra clothes, his own lap top, and even snacks. I bought him 2 linen sets + comforter to take to his Dad's house. Because the ones his new wife gave DS had holes in them. exDH buys food.


If you are getting child support and the higher income, yes you should be covering that stuff.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 18:43     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
If there is 50/50 and you make more, technically you should be paying him child support. He still has to provide a room, clothing, food at his house which you seem to forget and has equal expenses. It doesn't matter how much you spend as he is probably spending the same, if not more if he is paying child support and buying the bigger ticket items like the laptop.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 18:36     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Long story short: divorced several years ago, lovely child, that exDH and I adore. ExDH remarries, has a few babies, lives frugally, his parents help him out from time to time.

I have recently found out that new wife has been asking DS about MY finances like how much I make, how much our vacation cost, how much my car costs. Damn, she even asked him how much I paid for his birthday present. Finally, she asked about how much my BF makes. Obviously, DS had no idea because that's smth neither his father or I felt we needed to share with him.

I should mention that the child support exDH pays is very little compared to how much I spend on our child. Yes, I make more than he does, primarily because I invested in my career early on.

Why would she care so much?



Because she would like your exDH to be paying less child support, of course.

Don’t worry about it. If he asks for an adjustment, bring your numbers to court and let them decide. Sounds like you’ll be fine either way.

Do talk to your ex about telling his wife to quit talking to your DS about finances, because it’s not appropriate to put him in in the middle. That’s for your ex to negotiate, though, not you.


I don't know how much more we can adjust, unless he stops paying CS altogether. He pays (drum roll) $350/month.

I did talk to exDH about this. He felt uncomfortable and blurted out "oh, she is just tired. She doesn't mean anything by it. Don't be so sensitive."


From your exDH's reaction, it sounds like his wife is asking your son these questions at least in part at his behest. Interesting progression from trying to explain away the circumstances to diminishing you for addressing the matter with him.
Anonymous
Post 10/25/2017 18:12     Subject: New wife wants to know about finances
In her mind, she might be thinking that if you can afford to pay for more than currently ordered, she'd like to get there.

In any case, it's inappropriate to be putting your child in this position of answering these questions.

If feasible, I'd address it matter-of-factly with your ex. "Son reports that he's being asked by Larla about my personal salary, how much things in our life cost, etc. Can we agree that Son will not be asked these things anymore? If there are any questions, please address them to me directly."