Anonymous
10/24/2017 08:48
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Anonymous wrote:What are the must haves? Compromising on things you can’t change: number of bedrooms, garage etc is hard. Everything hey can be changed with time and a reasonable $ should be ignored. Like appliances (as long as they are the gas/electric variety you want or there is an option to change easily: gas line already there).
Sometimes men (or women) don't like 'starter ' homes. They get attached. Or, they don't want to spend all that money on something they're going to trade in.
Look for potential and explain how the yard of this house is big enough to expand out with a nice kitchen/fam room /extra bedroom on top some day?
Or, let him search the housing stock and come up with choices. Maybe you're not listening to him and he actually wants a house that's 'further out ' from the city that has everything he wants?
Anonymous
10/24/2017 06:25
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Who decided that you should buy a home? It sounds like he’s stalling or ambivalent. How long have you been married? Maybe he’s nervous about sinking all of “his” savings into it. What’s your financial arrangement? Have you combined? Who pays for what?
We mutually decided. He has been casually looking at listings over the past year, I however was the one who contacted the realtor.
We combine 80% of our pay. He makes $120k and I earn 52k. I have student loan debt and less savings, he managed to save roughly $50k for a down payment and I’ll be contributing some as well, albeit not nearly that much. We’ve been married 1 year, living together for 3. He had the luxury of living at home rent-free prior to our relationship which is why he has saved so much money. I’ve been on my own since I was 16.
Are there other things that are uneven in your marriage?
Anonymous
10/24/2017 05:30
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Anonymous wrote:Having just had a baby in an apt, I am so glad we do not have to take care of a house on top of everything else! You should downsize for a year, save more money, and pay down your loans. You aren't really losing much money in a rental, the stress of a mortgage on top of a baby is no fun.
Your dh is right, there is no rush. Hold out for something that really suits you, and frankly wait till schools are an issue (not for five years, at least.). No need to jump on the mortgage bandwagon right now. I would at least wait and see how things like daycare or sahm/d impact what you can afford. You don't want to wind up trapped by your mortgage.
Also, Your plan to eventually buy up (with what downpayment?) and generate income on the starter rental is a) not your money to invest, it's his and, b) doesn't work out for a lot of folks, for various reasons, and is by no means a sure thing. Why don't you put your energy towards earning more income, like looking into grad school or changing careees? Your income seems quite low for the area especially since you have invested heavily in your education. I get that you have been on your own, and give you full credit (so was I, it's not easy, I know.) But that doesn't mean the money he's saved is now yours to gamble with on an idea he's not really keen on, no matter how convinced you are it's a sure thing. And yes, home ownership can be a big gamble. Most of my friends have lost 20% on starter homes. And boy are there some rental horror stories. And, frankly, he's being kind to humor your idea when you haven't exactly shown money-making prowess thus far. Stop trying to fix him and rely on him at the same time. Be your own best investor. Good luck.
Honestly I feel your have some issues in your marriage if he is a stickler that this money is 'his' money.
Anonymous
10/24/2017 00:00
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Having just had a baby in an apt, I am so glad we do not have to take care of a house on top of everything else! You should downsize for a year, save more money, and pay down your loans. You aren't really losing much money in a rental, the stress of a mortgage on top of a baby is no fun.
Your dh is right, there is no rush. Hold out for something that really suits you, and frankly wait till schools are an issue (not for five years, at least.). No need to jump on the mortgage bandwagon right now. I would at least wait and see how things like daycare or sahm/d impact what you can afford. You don't want to wind up trapped by your mortgage.
Also, Your plan to eventually buy up (with what downpayment?) and generate income on the starter rental is a) not your money to invest, it's his and, b) doesn't work out for a lot of folks, for various reasons, and is by no means a sure thing. Why don't you put your energy towards earning more income, like looking into grad school or changing careees? Your income seems quite low for the area especially since you have invested heavily in your education. I get that you have been on your own, and give you full credit (so was I, it's not easy, I know.) But that doesn't mean the money he's saved is now yours to gamble with on an idea he's not really keen on, no matter how convinced you are it's a sure thing. And yes, home ownership can be a big gamble. Most of my friends have lost 20% on starter homes. And boy are there some rental horror stories. And, frankly, he's being kind to humor your idea when you haven't exactly shown money-making prowess thus far. Stop trying to fix him and rely on him at the same time. Be your own best investor. Good luck.
Your dh is right, there is no rush. Hold out for something that really suits you, and frankly wait till schools are an issue (not for five years, at least.). No need to jump on the mortgage bandwagon right now. I would at least wait and see how things like daycare or sahm/d impact what you can afford. You don't want to wind up trapped by your mortgage.
Also, Your plan to eventually buy up (with what downpayment?) and generate income on the starter rental is a) not your money to invest, it's his and, b) doesn't work out for a lot of folks, for various reasons, and is by no means a sure thing. Why don't you put your energy towards earning more income, like looking into grad school or changing careees? Your income seems quite low for the area especially since you have invested heavily in your education. I get that you have been on your own, and give you full credit (so was I, it's not easy, I know.) But that doesn't mean the money he's saved is now yours to gamble with on an idea he's not really keen on, no matter how convinced you are it's a sure thing. And yes, home ownership can be a big gamble. Most of my friends have lost 20% on starter homes. And boy are there some rental horror stories. And, frankly, he's being kind to humor your idea when you haven't exactly shown money-making prowess thus far. Stop trying to fix him and rely on him at the same time. Be your own best investor. Good luck.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 23:25
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Are you looking in this area? You should keep it under $350-400K as you are going to struggle with loans and child care. There is NO way you will get something like he wants for that price. Give up and rent or get an older smaller home and tell him if he wants that to get a better job with a much bigger income.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 23:20
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Anonymous wrote:Here's our story:
1. We lived in a crappy one bedroom apartment until our second child was a year old.
2. We looked for 18 months for our dream house. My husband and I are both incredibly picky, and we looked at well over a 100 houses. We drove our realtor crazy, but I had no qualms about that considering the amount they're paid for practically nothing.
3. We ended up agreeing on a house, a price, renovations, which then took more than a year.
Lesson: you both need to grow up, accept compromise, and keep talking to each other. Looks like you're not used to much sacrifice, either of you.
This. We lived in a tiny townhouse until our second was over 18 months. Put stuff in storage if you have to.
Don't feel bad about wasting your realtor's time. It's their job. They make around 3 percent of the sale price, which is thousands of dollars, so they can afford to spend a few extra hours on you. We've been searching for months, have seen 35+ houses, call our realtor a few times a week, etc. Houses are a crap ton of money, your DH is smart to be picky. I know so many people who bought too quickly and ended up stuck with a house they hate.
The most important lesson we learned with buying a house is that nobody is your friend. Everyone is trying to screw you over and will lie to get money from you. Do your research, talk to as many people as possible, be willing to have difficult conversations.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 23:10
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
I have a family member who is kind of like this about stuff - for example, she’ll live with something in complete disrepair rather than compromise on an ideal, if she can’t remodel to the standard that she wants. I really don’t get it..but I also don’t have any advise on how to get your DH to be willing to accept a compromise, if he’s anything like my family member.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 22:54
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Here's our story:
1. We lived in a crappy one bedroom apartment until our second child was a year old.
2. We looked for 18 months for our dream house. My husband and I are both incredibly picky, and we looked at well over a 100 houses. We drove our realtor crazy, but I had no qualms about that considering the amount they're paid for practically nothing.
3. We ended up agreeing on a house, a price, renovations, which then took more than a year.
Lesson: you both need to grow up, accept compromise, and keep talking to each other. Looks like you're not used to much sacrifice, either of you.
1. We lived in a crappy one bedroom apartment until our second child was a year old.
2. We looked for 18 months for our dream house. My husband and I are both incredibly picky, and we looked at well over a 100 houses. We drove our realtor crazy, but I had no qualms about that considering the amount they're paid for practically nothing.
3. We ended up agreeing on a house, a price, renovations, which then took more than a year.
Lesson: you both need to grow up, accept compromise, and keep talking to each other. Looks like you're not used to much sacrifice, either of you.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 22:53
Subject: Re:House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
I suggest you take another look at the rental market and see if you can rent a better place. Declutter or put your stuff in storage or at his parents' house. It sounds like your DH doesn't want to buy right now and, honestly, I don't recommend buying a place you aren't willing to live in long term. (Also, unclear how you are going to save enough to buy a significantly better house while paying for the first one and not selling it when you move.) Fwiw we've been in our "starter" townhouse for 9 years and may never move.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 22:48
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Anonymous wrote:Side note: if your DH wants to have kids As Soon As Possible, do not get a dog. Taking care of a dog, plus a newborn or toddler, is the worst. Add in a second kid, and it's just way, way too much poop for any person (or couple) to be dealing with.
+ 1 million.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 22:27
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Side note: if your DH wants to have kids As Soon As Possible, do not get a dog. Taking care of a dog, plus a newborn or toddler, is the worst. Add in a second kid, and it's just way, way too much poop for any person (or couple) to be dealing with.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 21:58
Subject: Re:House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
I agree with lots of what has been said. If you are stressed for space with a 2 bedroom, no kids, and no dog, that starter home will feel cramped with 2 kids, all your sporting equipment and a dog. While it would be nice to be settled in a home before having kids, realistically you CAN start a family while renting a 2 bedroom. If you start now, you are at least 20-24 months from worrying about a walking baby getting into everything. You will also have more flexibility not being tied to a mortgage when you see how much daycare costs and figuring out what make sense job wise.
Let your DH see the homes on his own and if he really likes one,you can go out to see it. Also go to open houses and if you both like it, get the realtor to come back with you. After we had been looking for awhile, we preferred to go to the open houses on our own and come back with our realtor if it was promising. Eventually he will come to the realization either you have to save more, up the budget, or compromise somewhere else and will adjust the search appropriately. There is clearly a disconnect somewhere and rather than get frustrated, I would play it cool and let him take the lead on the househuntung and not let it put family planning on hold. FWIW, I was living in a 2 bedroom townhouse when we got married and I was prepared to have our first child if it came to it. Both our parents grew up in NYC in an apartment with more children than bedrooms so we didn’t see renting or only having 2 bedrooms as being a deterrent to having kids. Taking that pressure off means you won’t make a rash decision you will regret latter just so you can have a yard as soon as the baby is born.
Let your DH see the homes on his own and if he really likes one,you can go out to see it. Also go to open houses and if you both like it, get the realtor to come back with you. After we had been looking for awhile, we preferred to go to the open houses on our own and come back with our realtor if it was promising. Eventually he will come to the realization either you have to save more, up the budget, or compromise somewhere else and will adjust the search appropriately. There is clearly a disconnect somewhere and rather than get frustrated, I would play it cool and let him take the lead on the househuntung and not let it put family planning on hold. FWIW, I was living in a 2 bedroom townhouse when we got married and I was prepared to have our first child if it came to it. Both our parents grew up in NYC in an apartment with more children than bedrooms so we didn’t see renting or only having 2 bedrooms as being a deterrent to having kids. Taking that pressure off means you won’t make a rash decision you will regret latter just so you can have a yard as soon as the baby is born.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 21:40
Subject: Re:House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
It sounds like your husband doesn't want to buy a place. Leave it be for a few months, we're heading into the winter season any way. If he wants to buy a house then he'll show interest.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 21:05
Subject: Re:House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
The biggest mistake I ever made was buying a house with my exDW. The second biggest was using pre-marital funds for the down payment.
Anonymous
10/23/2017 20:45
Subject: House hunting is driving me nuts - DH and I are at an impasse.
Anonymous wrote:I dont think you can buy a home on $175k that OP makes.
Of course you can.