Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:17     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
I would die to save my kids' lives, but not to prevent them from going through an unpleasant experience from which they can recover. I don't think any normal person would want that kind of sacrifice from their parents; I know I wouldn't.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:14     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No matter what you end up doing you are being sober and realistic. People tell themselves lies but both scenarios are very tough .

If the kids were out of college what would you do?


OP, what is your plan? Not criticizing, just wondering.



I made clear what my plan is. I'm staying for my kids. If they are grown and out of college? Not sure ... I still have 10+ years before that. As PP said, I would love to find that passion again. I don't know if I will, but for now I will be staying. I wish we felt that mutual attraction again. That would go a long way


So, how to you get through the days?

Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:13     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
I am in the same boat but there's no guarantees on me wonderful or you won't end up in the same place after a decade with the second. I am a golf widow with a frat boy husband. My parents never split even though they loved each other a lot but had a lot of fighting. I'm sure my dad could have fantasized about the perfect wife (my mom is nuts) but they stayed together and I'm so grateful. We have a close family and now in their old age they're not alone and enjoy their grandchildren.
I've seen friends who's parents split even as adults and they're never the same. They kind of unravel. I think you're doing the right thing.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:12     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:sounds like a typical midlife crisis to me. not sure what's so unique about op's situation


I don’t get it either.. it’s like every other marriage. We love each other but we don’t have sex. Ok...
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:59     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
sounds like a typical midlife crisis to me. not sure what's so unique about op's situation
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:52     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No matter what you end up doing you are being sober and realistic. People tell themselves lies but both scenarios are very tough .

If the kids were out of college what would you do?


OP, what is your plan? Not criticizing, just wondering.



I made clear what my plan is. I'm staying for my kids. If they are grown and out of college? Not sure ... I still have 10+ years before that. As PP said, I would love to find that passion again. I don't know if I will, but for now I will be staying. I wish we felt that mutual attraction again. That would go a long way
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:23     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your kids might pattern there marriages after what they see in the home. And that's the real shame.


OP here. What they see in the home is two people who get along. We all have dinner together most nights. We go to church as a family every week. There is plenty of laughter. They see love for them. What they don't see are the things they wouldn't see anyway -- the passion, the sex, the indifference.

I was just struck by the thread the other day about the woman who was leaving her DH and there was so much celebrating and my word you are talking about destroying a family... Her situation could be much different. But I don't think leaving would make everything magically better. I would love for the passion and attraction and joie de vivre to return but just don't see it.

But again, to the original point, I would do anything for my kids and I sincerely believe they are much better off in this loving, supportive environment than the alternative...


You are fooling yourself if you think your kids don't see the lack of love between you two. Decades later, I still remember the way my grandfather looked at my grandmother, they were mid 70s and he looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world. At the same time, divorce is, most likely, not better than having your style marriage. DC has a friend whose parents are divorced, but live together, go on vacation together, etc. They told kids that marriage didn't work out, but partnership did and they plan on staying together as a household till kids go to college.
In my case divorce made everything magically better. Immediately, the moment I filed.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:17     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?


15, 12, 10


Good god. What are you going to do when they're gone? Maybe that's when you'll tell them that your marriage is a lie and you've been faking it for years? That should go over well. Are you going to guilt them about it because they owe you for your sacrifices, or just upheave their lives as they start earning degrees, new careers, and finding their own marriages?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:10     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your kids might pattern there marriages after what they see in the home. And that's the real shame.


OP here. What they see in the home is two people who get along. We all have dinner together most nights. We go to church as a family every week. There is plenty of laughter. They see love for them. What they don't see are the things they wouldn't see anyway -- the passion, the sex, the indifference.

I was just struck by the thread the other day about the woman who was leaving her DH and there was so much celebrating and my word you are talking about destroying a family... Her situation could be much different. But I don't think leaving would make everything magically better. I would love for the passion and attraction and joie de vivre to return but just don't see it.

But again, to the original point, I would do anything for my kids and I sincerely believe they are much better off in this loving, supportive environment than the alternative...


I understand, OP. Been there. I think a lot of the posters here have neither the maturity nor the perspective to understand this. Many couples have lived this way and put their commitment to raising their children ahead of their own gratification. Kids don't know or care whether their parents are having great sex or an exciting relationship. There are a lot of adults walking around who assume their parents had that, because they stayed together, got along, and treated each other with respect. LOL
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:10     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:No matter what you end up doing you are being sober and realistic. People tell themselves lies but both scenarios are very tough .

If the kids were out of college what would you do?


OP, what is your plan? Not criticizing, just wondering.

Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:09     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My dad getting remarried was one of the best things that ever happened to me because I saw what a real, love-based relationship was supposed to look like.


+2

In my marriage, however, the love didn't wither - it was beaten to death by abuse and addiction. Within a year of leaving (after years of contemplating leaving) I met my match. I had two kids under five and he treated (and treats) them with more empathy, joy, and compassion than their bio dad. I am happy to have taken the significant risk of leaving - I finally had a happy marriage and a happy home in which my kids could grow up. This was over twenty years ago, and we are still going strong.



x100000

ABUSE: Abuse is NOT just bruises that show, it is about the bruises that don't show; and about EMOTIONAL abuse and dragging you down to their level, especially is that is all the abuser has known (ex: abuser grew up in an abusive, emotionally bereft household).

ADDICTION: Addiction is NOT just "drugs" - people can be addicted to almost anything - none of it good for them, and certainly none of it good for healthy, normal relationships.

APPEARANCE: ap·pear·ance
??pir?ns/Submit
noun
1.
the way that someone or something looks.
"I like the appearance of stripped antique pine"
synonyms: look(s), air, aspect, mien
"her disheveled appearance"

Abusers and addicts THRIVE on APPEARANCES.

OP has no choice, because abusers make it worse when you leave. I get you, OP.






Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:07     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
No matter what you end up doing you are being sober and realistic. People tell themselves lies but both scenarios are very tough .

If the kids were out of college what would you do?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:03     Subject: Re:I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Op I applaud you. You are mature and ethical. So many people on this board champion divorce. Your marriage doesn't sound bad. It is what happens. I would suggest to try to rekindle that passion. I have been where you are. I started to revive what we once had and it worked. Initiate flirting and sex. We got our passion back.

Don't listen to people that want you to follow their bad example.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:02     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?


15, 12, 10
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:00     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Great, they can thank you years from now when they're stuck in their own bad marriages.

I'm sure they'll be greatful to realize that they have to spend the rest of their lives as a martyr; just like their mom. Who wouldn't be, right?

High five OP. Awesome job teaching them that relationships without connection are where it's at.

Don't blame your kids for your inability to leave. Go to therapy and at least own what you're doing to them. If you really want this life, the least you could do is regularly explain to them that how you and your husband live isn't typical, healthy or ideal.

Fingers crossed they can somehow find a good marriage even though you are giving them this as a daily example. I'm sure it will work out.