Anonymous
Post 10/23/2017 03:08     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
How long did it take Meryl to match you?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 17:11     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:To the IP did you use Meryl Rosenberg. To SOP, who did you use?


To the *OP


Yes. I interviewed several agencies/attorneys and I liked her the best. She is very direct and frank about the process, costs, and procedures. I really appreciated this.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:10     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:To the IP did you use Meryl Rosenberg. To SOP, who did you use?


To the *OP
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:05     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
To the IP did you use Meryl Rosenberg. To SOP, who did you use?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:07     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are you open about using a surrogate? I ask because 12 years ago, a relative suddenly announced they were adopting and kept using this term.

But, years later, it was announced that a surrogate had been used...



Legally they may have had to do an adoption, especially if it was not their sperm and egg so it was an adoption, but they had far more control than a regular one.


This is OP. Technically, we had to do an adoption even though both the egg and sperm were DH's and mine. In some states, they automatically recognize the birth mother as the mother (and her DH as the father) even if there is no biological connection to them.

To the pp - yes, we were open about using a surrogate. It was a tough hurdle for me to jump at first. I hate admitting this but initially I felt somehow lesser because I wasn't carrying the child myself. I know it was my own issue to work through.

I’m confused why you called her a surrogate then. You used a gestational carrier...

At about the six month mark, everything changed for me and I was really able to embrace everything. I was constantly explaining to people the whole surrogate issue because I obviously wasn't pregnant. I still wanted to celebrate this baby with others.


Yes, actually you are correct. I used a gestation carrier. That said, everyone appears to use the terms interchangeably - even at the hospital. They openly referred to her as my surrogate. Of course, in all the legal documents she is referenced as the GC.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 11:05     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:What would you recommend to put in the contract - surrogate has no say in medical decisions during/after delivery of the baby?

Did the surrogate do skin to skin or hold the baby? Was that awkward?


Actually, I did the skin to skin with the baby. As the doctors and nurses were checking the baby (APGAR, etc), I ran into the next room and quickly put a hospital robe on for the skin to skin. It actually wasn't that awkward. The surrogate actually told me at one point to go to the baby.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 10:25     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are you open about using a surrogate? I ask because 12 years ago, a relative suddenly announced they were adopting and kept using this term.

But, years later, it was announced that a surrogate had been used...



Legally they may have had to do an adoption, especially if it was not their sperm and egg so it was an adoption, but they had far more control than a regular one.


This is OP. Technically, we had to do an adoption even though both the egg and sperm were DH's and mine. In some states, they automatically recognize the birth mother as the mother (and her DH as the father) even if there is no biological connection to them.

To the pp - yes, we were open about using a surrogate. It was a tough hurdle for me to jump at first. I hate admitting this but initially I felt somehow lesser because I wasn't carrying the child myself. I know it was my own issue to work through.

I’m confused why you called her a surrogate then. You used a gestational carrier...

At about the six month mark, everything changed for me and I was really able to embrace everything. I was constantly explaining to people the whole surrogate issue because I obviously wasn't pregnant. I still wanted to celebrate this baby with others.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 08:20     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
What would you recommend to put in the contract - surrogate has no say in medical decisions during/after delivery of the baby?

Did the surrogate do skin to skin or hold the baby? Was that awkward?
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 00:08     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:I’m not OP. Am not sure where she disappeared to so I will be “SOP” (substitute OP until she comes back) since we also used a surrogate.

It cost us 80k total. Her fee was $33k. We paid for it with a home equity loan. We had purchased a foreclosure really cheaply in a nice neighborhood so our monthly expenses did not increase much. Then we sold an investment property at the right time and paid everything down.

We are still in touch - very similar approaches to life.

The most surprising aspect was how helpless you can feel since the pregnancy is in someone else’s hands and you have to just trust them.

The whole process took 13 months, which is unusually quick but we had PGS tested embryos and were matched quickly. Also, our carrier was not the same race.



Thank you, SOP! I'm back.

This is all such great information but the bolded part is so true. I felt so helpless, especially when it came to eating, pre-natal vitamins, etc. I just had to step back from my usual A-type personality.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 00:05     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:How did the surrogate emotionally separate herself from the baby?

Did the surrogate breastfeed at least during the first few days of colostrum?


I think the surrogate did not have a problem at all separating herself emotionally from the baby. First, she truly wanted to give this gift (carrying someone's child). But, for her financial circumstances, it's an incredible amount of money - more than she earns in a year.

She didn't want to breastfeed and I accepted that. I did want the colostrum but she was not comfortable with that so I again accepted. It was her body and she was able to put whatever limits she wanted. As I stated on another thread, I was so desperate to have this baby that I would have agreed to anything. And, I am eternally grateful to her for this magnificent gift.

I am using breast milk from a bank.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 00:00     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are you open about using a surrogate? I ask because 12 years ago, a relative suddenly announced they were adopting and kept using this term.

But, years later, it was announced that a surrogate had been used...



Legally they may have had to do an adoption, especially if it was not their sperm and egg so it was an adoption, but they had far more control than a regular one.


This is OP. Technically, we had to do an adoption even though both the egg and sperm were DH's and mine. In some states, they automatically recognize the birth mother as the mother (and her DH as the father) even if there is no biological connection to them.

To the pp - yes, we were open about using a surrogate. It was a tough hurdle for me to jump at first. I hate admitting this but initially I felt somehow lesser because I wasn't carrying the child myself. I know it was my own issue to work through.

At about the six month mark, everything changed for me and I was really able to embrace everything. I was constantly explaining to people the whole surrogate issue because I obviously wasn't pregnant. I still wanted to celebrate this baby with others.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2017 23:54     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:How much did it cost when all was said and done? How much went directly to the surrogate?

What was the most surprising aspect you weren't expecting?

Did you choose a particular state to make the legalities "safer"/less risk?


$28K went directly to the surrogate, plus her expenses.

I was surprised at how *normal* the entire process seemed. Going in to the whole thing, I was worried that I was going to miss something with a regular pregnancy as I had had a prior pregnancy that I carried myself. I loved being pregnant and was very sad that I couldn't carry (well, I was actually devastated). But, now that I have completed a pregnancy with a surrogate, I can tell you honestly that I had all the same feelings through this pregnancy - I'm going to call them highs - that I did with the prior one. The only thing I didn't have was a physical recovery. In fact, I feel like I've had the hormonal fluctuations post-pregnancy with the surrogate just as I had with my other pregnancy.

We didn't choose a specific state. I was so desperate to have this child I would have agreed to anything.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2017 23:47     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:Is she in the same local area as you?


No, she was in another state but it was driveable. It meant that I could not be there for every doctor's appointment but I tried to make at least one every other month.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2017 23:46     Subject: I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:Is she of the same race? Were you able to be present at the birth?


Yes, she was the same race. Both DH and I were there at the birth. Her husband was also at the birth. DH cut the umbilical cord, and all four of us were very emotional.

I know it sounds weird but it seemed oddly normal.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2017 23:45     Subject: Re:I used a surrogate - AMA
Anonymous wrote:I hate to be blunt but what was the cash figure. We have done 3 rounds of IVF and we are willing to throw another 35k into "our struggle". Would this amount of money provide a surrogate opportunity? Im just now starting to mentally think about it as a real option and want to know if its even financially possible before I start researching too much.


So, of course, the amount to the surrogate can vary depending on several things, including if she has successfully carried an embryo that is not her own.

We already had *hopefully* viable embryos so this amount does not cover that cost.

To the surrogate - $28k.

To the attorney who found the surrogate - $22k.

Other incidentals/fees - $5k (roughly).

When I did my research, there were some agencies that I looked at and their costs were generally between $20 - $30k.