Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its very different being a SAHM in the summer vs. school year. During the school year with older kids she gets a break, during the summer its 24/7. Its very hard when your spouse doesn't travel to all of the sudden travel for weeks at a time. I would offer to ramp down to part-time if you are against it. Personally, I think you should support her and find a higher paying job. That's what my husband did but he wanted me to SAH.

Why? He's already doing most of the parenting and his wife has made it clear that she will expect him to continue to do that even if she no longer works. He doesn't need to kill himself doing everything so that his wife can stay at home while the kids are in school.

OP here. This is the rub, honestly. If she stops working or even goes part-time, I don't think the mental load is going away for me. Last summer, I was the one who researched camps, did sign ups in January (since the camps the kids wanted fill up quickly). I basically set the summer up to run on auto-pilot and I still had 10 plus calls or texts a day asking me to handle things. And other things just were ignored or not handled like dry cleaning. Since she didn't work, it never occurred to her to run the dry cleaning for me since I'm still working and had an extremely tight schedule. I'd ask, but like people say, it's the stuff you don't see that needs reminding that's exhausting.

Anyways, for the dry cleaning, I ended up just making sure it was handled during the weekend last summer. I did this for both of us (still do) now.

It's just an example, but it's the sort of thing that fell through the cracks.

This is like role reversal, and how many moms feel. When I was a wohm, I too would do all the camp research and signups along with all the other school and medical stuff.

I'm a PP, and I think you are totally reasonable. Plus, if she becomes a sahm what does she think summer will be like? I'm a sahm, and my kids go to summer camp for about four weeks or so. The rest of the time they are with me, and I dread it. I usually can't wait for school to start.

She doesn't seem like she's ever satisfied. I don't know if she has bigger issues going on in her head, but I doubt that being a sahm will make her happy. She sounds a bit entitled and/or can't multi-task or something.

Agree with the others that you sound reasonable. I was a SAHM when I had an infant and toddler. I went back to work when the youngest hit K. It seems she isn't happy with what she has and is randomly searching for happiness, esp because she wasn't happy with it over the summer.

On the one hand, some people just aren't good at being SAHPs, even if they really want to be. On the other hand, some of the things you named are, IMO, pretty reasonable, depending on your finances: I'm a SAHM and we still have a weekly cleaner and a part-time sitter so I can run errands and have some "me" time (my kids are young, but still). I also get lots of groceries delivered, though I still do a lot of shopping (why do we "need" things from like six stores?!?).

But, the stuff that should DEFINITELY be on her plate if she SAH is all the, well STUFF. The mental load, as you put it. The stuff for the kids. I'm a big believer that being a SAHP doesn't mean you have to be a maid, but it DOES mean you TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS, and that means you manage all of their activities, school stuff, paperwork, you plan fun outings for the family, etc. It also means that any of the stuff you pay for (weekly cleaner, sitter) should be managed entirely by her.

I think if it's what she wants it's totally reasonable to try. You have to give her time to succeed. I think it's really a shame that people "try" to SAH for like 6 months and then "quit". People think it should come naturally. Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc. Doing it well takes real work, organizational skills, time management, etc. If she wants to do it she should read mommy blogs for tips, talk to a SAHM friend who seems like she knows what she's doing, etc. She shouldn't just assume that she either "has it" or "doesn't".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its very different being a SAHM in the summer vs. school year. During the school year with older kids she gets a break, during the summer its 24/7. Its very hard when your spouse doesn't travel to all of the sudden travel for weeks at a time. I would offer to ramp down to part-time if you are against it. Personally, I think you should support her and find a higher paying job. That's what my husband did but he wanted me to SAH.

Why? He's already doing most of the parenting and his wife has made it clear that she will expect him to continue to do that even if she no longer works. He doesn't need to kill himself doing everything so that his wife can stay at home while the kids are in school.

OP here. This is the rub, honestly. If she stops working or even goes part-time, I don't think the mental load is going away for me. Last summer, I was the one who researched camps, did sign ups in January (since the camps the kids wanted fill up quickly). I basically set the summer up to run on auto-pilot and I still had 10 plus calls or texts a day asking me to handle things. And other things just were ignored or not handled like dry cleaning. Since she didn't work, it never occurred to her to run the dry cleaning for me since I'm still working and had an extremely tight schedule. I'd ask, but like people say, it's the stuff you don't see that needs reminding that's exhausting.

Anyways, for the dry cleaning, I ended up just making sure it was handled during the weekend last summer. I did this for both of us (still do) now.

It's just an example, but it's the sort of thing that fell through the cracks.

Why does it seem everyone is so afraid to talk to their spouse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its very different being a SAHM in the summer vs. school year. During the school year with older kids she gets a break, during the summer its 24/7. Its very hard when your spouse doesn't travel to all of the sudden travel for weeks at a time. I would offer to ramp down to part-time if you are against it. Personally, I think you should support her and find a higher paying job. That's what my husband did but he wanted me to SAH.

Why? He's already doing most of the parenting and his wife has made it clear that she will expect him to continue to do that even if she no longer works. He doesn't need to kill himself doing everything so that his wife can stay at home while the kids are in school.

Absolutely agree! I usually hate the "if the genders were reversed!" posters but honestly, if we were talking about a DH asking his default-parent-DW to ramp up at work so he could be a SAHD, we'd be telling OP to shut it down ASAP.

Anonymous wrote:Its very different being a SAHM in the summer vs. school year. During the school year with older kids she gets a break, during the summer its 24/7. Its very hard when your spouse doesn't travel to all of the sudden travel for weeks at a time. I would offer to ramp down to part-time if you are against it. Personally, I think you should support her and find a higher paying job. That's what my husband did but he wanted me to SAH.

Why? He's already doing most of the parenting and his wife has made it clear that she will expect him to continue to do that even if she no longer works. He doesn't need to kill himself doing everything so that his wife can stay at home while the kids are in school.

Anonymous wrote:Its very different being a SAHM in the summer vs. school year. During the school year with older kids she gets a break, during the summer its 24/7. Its very hard when your spouse doesn't travel to all of the sudden travel for weeks at a time. I would offer to ramp down to part-time if you are against it. Personally, I think you should support her and find a higher paying job. That's what my husband did but he wanted me to SAH.

How is summer 24/7? Most kids, especially elementary age, go to summer camp and/or spend time with grandparents.

Not all people are cut out to be the primary parent/household manager. His wife has demonstrated that in the past and recently.

She isn't entitled to being a sahp just because she's a woman, especially if she's not good at it.

Its very different being a SAHM in the summer vs. school year. During the school year with older kids she gets a break, during the summer its 24/7. Its very hard when your spouse doesn't travel to all of the sudden travel for weeks at a time. I would offer to ramp down to part-time if you are against it. Personally, I think you should support her and find a higher paying job. That's what my husband did but he wanted me to SAH.

Anonymous wrote:I think I would tell her that I had no interest in ramping up at work. If she wants to be a SAHM, then this is it, in terms of income, unless and until she seriously takes over the default parent/homemaker job for an extended period -- say two years -- and doesn't make everyone miserable with her complaints. And I would only offer that if I were genuinely interested in focusing on work.

Otherwise, you guys are in sweet situation -- both have stable jobs, both have plenty of kid/family time ... She needs to find a different job or ask for flexibility at this one before she talks about quitting.

+1

I think I would tell her that I had no interest in ramping up at work. If she wants to be a SAHM, then this is it, in terms of income, unless and until she seriously takes over the default parent/homemaker job for an extended period -- say two years -- and doesn't make everyone miserable with her complaints. And I would only offer that if I were genuinely interested in focusing on work.

Otherwise, you guys are in sweet situation -- both have stable jobs, both have plenty of kid/family time ... She needs to find a different job or ask for flexibility at this one before she talks about quitting.

Anonymous wrote:As someone with kids in high school, I assure you that the "hard part" is not over. Sure, you're not wiping asses anymore, but the problems are different.

I'd write out all that you do (like take last week, and write out each thing you did for the family) and hand it to her and say "This is what you'd be taking on if you were the SAH parent. Based on how things went over the summer while you were home and I was traveling I have serious concerns about you being able to manage everything. What do you think? Let's be super honest with ourselves here, because our kids are depending on us."

Agree with this.

Also, I think it would be completely fair for you to basically make her "put up or shut up"* - if she wants to be more involved, she should start with taking on some of the default parenting you're currently managing BEFORE she goes and quits her job. Diving headfirst into being a SAHM when she hasn't been able to handle it in the past is a recipe for a repeat disaster.

*I'm sure there is a nicer way to put it but I don't have the energy right now as I'm dealing with a similar situation with my DH right now and I'm all out of empathy for nondefault parents asking the default parent to take on even more work without putting any effort in themselves first.

As someone with kids in high school, I assure you that the "hard part" is not over. Sure, you're not wiping asses anymore, but the problems are different.

I'd write out all that you do (like take last week, and write out each thing you did for the family) and hand it to her and say "This is what you'd be taking on if you were the SAH parent. Based on how things went over the summer while you were home and I was traveling I have serious concerns about you being able to manage everything. What do you think? Let's be super honest with ourselves here, because our kids are depending on us."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+1 I don't get that comment ("Glad you aren't my husband"), and I HATE whiny men who complain about their wives. This guy seems perfectly reasonable and like a good partner to me.

Another SAHM here and I agree, he sounds totally reasonable and concerned for his wife and family's well-being.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+1 and he's an involved dad too
-part time sahm