Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who gets what can get negotiated but he is entitled to half.

+1

My best girlfriend learned this lesson the hard way. She was completely delusional (despite everything that we plus her attorneys told her) and felt that her being the breadwinner entitled him to less than half of the "marital pot of money."

Take your increase in net worth over the course of the past 15 years of marriage, divide it in half. That's what he will get.

You will also possibly pay him child support plus alimony, even though he's a deadbeat.

Also, he will also likely be entitled to a large portion of your pension when you retire. Don't want that? Fine, then you'll have to pay him significantly more than half of the assets when you divorce. That is what they mean by "equitable".

My Aunt divorced a total and complete deadbeat. As in, she had a job at a hedge fund making about $400,000/year, while he refused to work. He was a lousy SAHD, and he smoked pot all day in their backyard while she worked. He was abusive and hit her, there were hospital records from when he broke her rib. She still had to pay more than half of their assets so that she could avoid paying him ongoing alimony. It did not matter that he hit her, cheated on her, and did drugs.

The absolute most miserable divorcees I've ever met were female breadwinners. They spend most of their marriages unhappy to be providing for an man, and the final insult comes when they have to pay half of what they view as completely theirs on the way out the door.

Men have been dealing with this since the beginning of family law...sucks when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn't it?

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are getting ready to leave the nest in the next 5 years, I would tough it out. I'm in a similar financial situation but my husband is genuinely helpful around the house and the kids, and does not wan to divorce. It's cheaper for me to stay married than to give him half of everything plus pay for babysitters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who gets what can get negotiated but he is entitled to half.

+1

My best girlfriend learned this lesson the hard way. She was completely delusional (despite everything that we plus her attorneys told her) and felt that her being the breadwinner entitled him to less than half of the "marital pot of money."

Take your increase in net worth over the course of the past 15 years of marriage, divide it in half. That's what he will get.

You will also possibly pay him child support plus alimony, even though he's a deadbeat.

Also, he will also likely be entitled to a large portion of your pension when you retire. Don't want that? Fine, then you'll have to pay him significantly more than half of the assets when you divorce. That is what they mean by "equitable".

My Aunt divorced a total and complete deadbeat. As in, she had a job at a hedge fund making about $400,000/year, while he refused to work. He was a lousy SAHD, and he smoked pot all day in their backyard while she worked. He was abusive and hit her, there were hospital records from when he broke her rib. She still had to pay more than half of their assets so that she could avoid paying him ongoing alimony. It did not matter that he hit her, cheated on her, and did drugs.

The absolute most miserable divorcees I've ever met were female breadwinners. They spend most of their marriages unhappy to be providing for an man, and the final insult comes when they have to pay half of what they view as completely theirs on the way out the door.

Men have been dealing with this since the beginning of family law...sucks when the shoe is on the other foot, doesn't it?

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. As a female breadwinner, I feel so bad for you.
He doesn't sound like he will improve (he's had years to try).

So, I would initiate the divorce asap, with a mediator, and just get it done with.

The sooner you do, the sooner you can restart working and saving for your own future. He may end up un or underemployed in a crappy apartment but that's on him.

You are still young, give yourself the chance to work towards happiness and financial independence without him

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who gets what can get negotiated but he is entitled to half.

+1

My best girlfriend learned this lesson the hard way. She was completely delusional (despite everything that we plus her attorneys told her) and felt that her being the breadwinner entitled him to less than half of the "marital pot of money."

Take your increase in net worth over the course of the past 15 years of marriage, divide it in half. That's what he will get.

You will also possibly pay him child support plus alimony, even though he's a deadbeat.

Also, he will also likely be entitled to a large portion of your pension when you retire. Don't want that? Fine, then you'll have to pay him significantly more than half of the assets when you divorce. That is what they mean by "equitable".

My Aunt divorced a total and complete deadbeat. As in, she had a job at a hedge fund making about $400,000/year, while he refused to work. He was a lousy SAHD, and he smoked pot all day in their backyard while she worked. He was abusive and hit her, there were hospital records from when he broke her rib. She still had to pay more than half of their assets so that she could avoid paying him ongoing alimony. It did not matter that he hit her, cheated on her, and did drugs.

The absolute most miserable divorcees I've ever met were female breadwinners. They spend most of their marriages unhappy to be providing for an man, and the final insult comes when they have to pay half of what they view as completely theirs on the way out the door.

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to play devil's advocate and just say that it might be better to stay married and stop contributing to his retirement! Yes, I know he sucks as a partner and father but guess what? Chances are you'll live longer than he would given the gender gap in life expectancy and you wouldn't end up poorer after a divorce. Just stay married in name and do whatever the hell you want cos it's your $$$. But divorce, based on what the PPs here have stated, sounds like it would bring you down, rather than up.

Also, have you considered signing a post-nuptial agreement?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn't helpful but man, why did you marry him?

+1. Is there "lessons learned" advice you can share with us about things you would have done differently? All women could benefit.

Love makes us do stupid things. One of my friends is married to a guy with no job. He had no job when they were engaged either though he claimed to be 'looking'. He moved into her house - again didn't help with the bills. 3 years later she's trying to divorce him.

OP here. Brace yourselves, this is probably going to sound pretty stupid. Of course I was in love and couldn't imagine ever not being in love with this guy. Having said that, I am also a pretty practical and analytical person and I actually felt that we were a good match in terms of work and finances. When we met and married, I was in a pretty demanding job that required me to move around a lot. Having a spouse who said that he wanted to stay home and raise kids seemed perfect. I knew that I would make enough money to support us, he wouldn't be tied to a job that made it difficult for him to move, so it seemed like the perfectly workable scenario. This of course kind of blew up once his views on taking care of the kids changed. I ended up taking a fed job so that he could have more stability for his own career, though he has struggled to find success. I actually still really don't care that he doesn't make much money; I care that when he does make money he doesn't really contribute to our joint finances. And it is just hard to swallow that while I have sacrificed and tried to be very financially responsible, there is the potential that he will 'throw away' his half and that it could impact our kids. I don't really know what I could have done differently, other than leave him much earlier, I guess, though I can't in my heart imagine that I would ever allow him to fall on hard times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn't helpful but man, why did you marry him?

+1. Is there "lessons learned" advice you can share with us about things you would have done differently? All women could benefit.

Love makes us do stupid things. One of my friends is married to a guy with no job. He had no job when they were engaged either though he claimed to be 'looking'. He moved into her house - again didn't help with the bills. 3 years later she's trying to divorce him.