I think community college is a great idea on a lot of levels. They are really affordable. Your son could live at home if that makes sense, or you could figure out a more tailored arrangement if it doesn’t. He will get a chance to have at least some of the social experience of college and make some friends, if that is in the cards. And he’ll be with a group of people whose expectations will be calibrated at a more realistic level for what he really should be pursuing. I agree with everything everyone has said about the advantages of the skilled trades over college education for a lot of kids these days. I have a spectrum kid who is flat out brilliant academically but I am going to push him in that direction because I know enough about the competitive working world to know that he will never get a fair shot, no matter how smart he is. And I also have seen how hard it is to find anyone genuinely smart who is willing to try and fix anything anymore. Those folks are worth their weight in gold and choose their own projects these days. But with all that said, I still want my kid to go to college—for the fun of it if nothing else, because it presents all kinds of opportunities for growth, and because you have your whole life to be an electrician or a stonemason or a vintage Jag mechanic. We’re fortunate enough to be able to afford whatever but I would still think about the cost/benefit. The reality is that the $200k plus you could easily spend on college would do him way more good in a savings bond then in tuition, long term—when he could get a sizeable fraction of the fun of college for less than a tenth of that, at the right community college setting.

Agree with community college. You can keep an eye on him while not taking him off a college track. He might just surprise you. If it goes well and the extra 2 years bring more maturity, he can transfer to a 4 year school.

My nephew was like your son and my SIL thought college wasn't a fit. She had him do an automotive training program but let him choose one out of state. What a mess! He dropped out and she was out a lot of money. I wish she would have had him do a technical program closer to home. He lived at home doing unskilled jobs for a few years before he finally got himself together and found an ok job. The thing is while he has ADHD and LD and might have lacked maturity, he is a super smart guy. I feel like he now has few solid career options without the college degree. If he had started at MC with supports, I think he would have made it through. And by 20 he was a much different kid than at 17 when they made the decision that college wasn't in the cards. At 20, he had the maturity to be successful in college (again with supports).

But college isn't for everyone. Even when it comes to kids without SN. I think a technical program is fine. However, your son is expressing his desire to go to college. Please don't give up on him before he even starts.

OP - You might look into getting some career assessments and counseling done for your DS to help him look at his options. If he has special needs the vocational rehab state run program may do such evaluations at no cost if he qualifies. In some cases direct assistance in training or finding a job can also occur. It might be a way to continue the conversation about different kind of jobs and career paths.

Also, you might contact the disability counselor at the community college to ask about referrals to your state program and/or private providers. You are wise to realize there is no one timetable on maturity. I would also encourage you to see of DS might try to do some volunteering if possible to continue to broaden his knowledge of the work setting and to develop soft work skills. Also, it may be reasonable to encourage DS to take an interest class at a community college as a first step with no pressure of grades or deciding a future plan. The goal would be to get on campus and just become comfortable with the setting, routine and go from there. It might help if you learned about what the closet community college has to offer which may be of interest in future to DS.

At home be sure to have the same expectations of both teens in terms of independent living skills and household responsibilities which can only help with any life transition. This includes: doing one's laundry, taking care of one's bedroom/bath, learning basics of meal prep and cleanup. Helping each son to have a budget and learn to handle money is important, and this may be on different levels depending if one has a job. A key skill is being able to drive.

If your son with SN has never held a job, consider if he might do a small limited one such as yard work for area residents, walking dogs, or even a paper route if he drives. Often in transition years it may be a combo of some sort of school or training class, part-time job and volunteer work.

Anonymous wrote:My DD is like this but not good with her hands. I think she could handle some easier type of IT certificate. Are there any programs like that for kids transitioning out of high school IEPs?

Check with local comminity colleges.

My DD is like this but not good with her hands. I think she could handle some easier type of IT certificate. Are there any programs like that for kids transitioning out of high school IEPs?

Anonymous wrote:
Are you actually saying that you DC2 is not worth investing money in? Is that really what you want him to hear? Personally, I would invest more in the child that is behind than the the academically inclined one. It’s fine if he learns a trade but most colleges have programs geared to SN. Look carefully at what options are available before you steer him away from college.


I didn't get this from OP's post. The way I understand it, her DS wants to attend a four year college-- not only is he unprepared but and doesn't seem to understand the amount of effort required to succeed in college. Not only would it be a poor investment, but there could be all kinds of fallout for her DS. Moving him toward something that is more aligned with his current maturity and skill set is the right choice- it's just very hard to find the worlds without hurting him.

It sounds like her DS is too immature to live away from home, even if there is a special needs program. I susoect that OP is most concerned about all of the unstructured time where her DS needs to self motivate toward school work, regulate impulses, self-advocate, and stay organized- as these will be our concerns when my DS reached college age.

Helping her DS become more independent and mature is a better choice, so he can take advantage of what schools offer of that is his ultimate path. And it's okay to not want to pay thousands of dollars on a program that your child isn't ready for.

thanks, I am the OP and you summarized my position exactly. And quite honestly, if DC1---who is developmentally "on-target" goes to college and goes off the deep end on partying and/or is otherwise irresponsible---I will pull DC1 out and bring them home to regroup, as we are not investing tens of thousands on college for that type of irresponsibility.

I want to be able to talk realistically with DC2 regarding life options without demoralizing him unnecessarily. He hates academics. Always has. His language processing and abstract reasoning skills are shaky at best, and severely limit what he can do with higher level academic work.
Do I think DC2's best chance at independent living lies in getting some type of useless 4 year degree from a fifth-rate college---just to say he is a "college graduate"? No, I don't. Do I think that DC2 could support himself and a family by learning to be a plumber, electrician, elevator repairman, or some other type of hands-on skilled trade? Absolutely.

First there's nothing wrong with NOT going to college - not everyone IS cut out for it SN's or not!! That said...don't write it off either at this point because your DC2 could mature a lot in the next year or more. I'm assuming he's maybe a sophomore or even younger?? One thing that will be good for him to see is that DC1's experience is not JUST living on your own and partying. Make sure DC2 sees that classes are longer and fast paced and there's a lot of independent reading and work to do that DC1 has to complete. If DC2 does go to college he will be able to have academic accommodations and help based on his IEP so be sure to keep that up to date in your transition planning also. Attend college and career fairs with DC2 so that he sees options - including non-college options! Help DC2 figure out his interests and passions because if he follows them towards a career (as opposed to $$ he can make or what others think he should do) he'll be more likely to succeed - both in the training be that college or not AND in the career itself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually saying that you DC2 is not worth investing money in? Is that really what you want him to hear? Personally, I would invest more in the child that is behind than the the academically inclined one. It’s fine if he learns a trade but most colleges have programs geared to SN. Look carefully at what options are available before you steer him away from college.

I didn't get this from OP's post. The way I understand it, her DS wants to attend a four year college-- not only is he unprepared but and doesn't seem to understand the amount of effort required to succeed in college. Not only would it be a poor investment, but there could be all kinds of fallout for her DS. Moving him toward something that is more aligned with his current maturity and skill set is the right choice- it's just very hard to find the worlds without hurting him.

It sounds like her DS is too immature to live away from home, even if there is a special needs program. I susoect that OP is most concerned about all of the unstructured time where her DS needs to self motivate toward school work, regulate impulses, self-advocate, and stay organized- as these will be our concerns when my DS reached college age.

Helping her DS become more independent and mature is a better choice, so he can take advantage of what schools offer of that is his ultimate path. And it's okay to not want to pay thousands of dollars on a program that your child isn't ready for.

pp here- sorry for the typos!

Great summary and I completely agree. I have a HS SN kid and although he just started HS, he is barely prepared for HS and completely unprepared for college. I cannot see sinking a ton of money in a four year college and certainly not away. Things may change but as of now, it is not happening.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually saying that you DC2 is not worth investing money in? Is that really what you want him to hear? Personally, I would invest more in the child that is behind than the the academically inclined one. It’s fine if he learns a trade but most colleges have programs geared to SN. Look carefully at what options are available before you steer him away from college.

I didn't get this from OP's post. The way I understand it, her DS wants to attend a four year college-- not only is he unprepared but and doesn't seem to understand the amount of effort required to succeed in college. Not only would it be a poor investment, but there could be all kinds of fallout for her DS. Moving him toward something that is more aligned with his current maturity and skill set is the right choice- it's just very hard to find the worlds without hurting him.

It sounds like her DS is too immature to live away from home, even if there is a special needs program. I susoect that OP is most concerned about all of the unstructured time where her DS needs to self motivate toward school work, regulate impulses, self-advocate, and stay organized- as these will be our concerns when my DS reached college age.

Helping her DS become more independent and mature is a better choice, so he can take advantage of what schools offer of that is his ultimate path. And it's okay to not want to pay thousands of dollars on a program that your child isn't ready for.

pp here- sorry for the typos!

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually saying that you DC2 is not worth investing money in? Is that really what you want him to hear? Personally, I would invest more in the child that is behind than the the academically inclined one. It’s fine if he learns a trade but most colleges have programs geared to SN. Look carefully at what options are available before you steer him away from college.

I didn't get this from OP's post. The way I understand it, her DS wants to attend a four year college-- not only is he unprepared but and doesn't seem to understand the amount of effort required to succeed in college. Not only would it be a poor investment, but there could be all kinds of fallout for her DS. Moving him toward something that is more aligned with his current maturity and skill set is the right choice- it's just very hard to find the worlds without hurting him.

It sounds like her DS is too immature to live away from home, even if there is a special needs program. I susoect that OP is most concerned about all of the unstructured time where her DS needs to self motivate toward school work, regulate impulses, self-advocate, and stay organized- as these will be our concerns when my DS reached college age.

Helping her DS become more independent and mature is a better choice, so he can take advantage of what schools offer of that is his ultimate path. And it's okay to not want to pay thousands of dollars on a program that your child isn't ready for.

Are you actually saying that you DC2 is not worth investing money in? Is that really what you want him to hear? Personally, I would invest more in the child that is behind than the the academically inclined one. It’s fine if he learns a trade but most colleges have programs geared to SN. Look carefully at what options are available before you steer him away from college.

You don't have to specify which PP you are but could you share diagnoses?