Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

Anonymous wrote:You sound terribly insecure; I think that's more of a cautionary tale for your DD than anything else.

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel but I'm OK with it. Both my DH and I got our MBA's and started with the same company in similar jobs making the same money. After we had our second child I decided to set up my own consulting business to give me a little more flexibility. The business did very well financially and my home/work balance was great but I was somewhat envious of my DH climbing the ranks. When our kids reached middle school and we relocated for the third time in five years I decided to semi-retire to be closer to them during their very critical years. I gave up my consulting business despite it being successful and frankly, I was pretty well known in my industry. I took a job in our town running a non-profit for little pay but it was very rewarding and I was around for my kids. My DH's career was very successful and he ran a couple of well known companies. His profile in his industry was high and I often wondered what would have happened with my career if I hadn't taken somewhat of a mommy track. I was definitely jealous but at the same time my kids were developing into outstanding young adults, my DH and I had a very loving relationship and our life was hard to beat. We definitely made relocation decisions to benefit his career at the expense of mine but I was always very supportive because the jobs were great and the locations were very nice. My DH was always very supportive of what I wanted to do but his career was clearly #1. Once we became empty nesters I retired rom the non-profit, took up a hobby and have turned it into a very nice business that perfectly fits our now retired lifestyle. So while I do wonder what I might have achieved in the corporate world I readily admit that I have a great life. I know my DH and my now married kids very proud of what I have done in all parts of my life so I'm very content.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

And if that was the case you could always have scaled back your lifestyle to support the risk. But if you don't think you're worth it then that's the real problem.

Money is not our issue, time and location is. No amount of scaling back our lifestyle short of major, potentially unrecoverable changes to DH's career can make the types of risks DH got to take early in our career possibly for me at this point.

I was hoping to hear some perspectives from other ambitious women who had to become the trailing spouse because their husbands' careers took off. If you were never interested in being the breadwinner or if you wanted a more traditional marriage from the outset or if neither of you has a "big job" - I don't think you can relate.

- OP

Well I just kept trucking along and DH either had to join or back down. Much like you did with your DH. Judging by your attitude though it sounds like he was always the more ambitious one anyways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

And if that was the case you could always have scaled back your lifestyle to support the risk. But if you don't think you're worth it then that's the real problem.

Money is not our issue, time and location is. No amount of scaling back our lifestyle short of major, potentially unrecoverable changes to DH's career can make the types of risks DH got to take early in our career possibly for me at this point.

I was hoping to hear some perspectives from other ambitious women who had to become the trailing spouse because their husbands' careers took off. If you were never interested in being the breadwinner or if you wanted a more traditional marriage from the outset or if neither of you has a "big job" - I don't think you can relate.

- OP

Anonymous wrote:I say this as someone in a very similiar situation: be PROUD of your DH instead of jealous. Jealousy is honestly the root of all evil - it will rot your marriage. Embrace his success and then figure out how to make yourself more successful as well. It is not a zero sum game - his success does not impede yours.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel but I'm OK with it. Both my DH and I got our MBA's and started with the same company in similar jobs making the same money. After we had our second child I decided to set up my own consulting business to give me a little more flexibility. The business did very well financially and my home/work balance was great but I was somewhat envious of my DH climbing the ranks. When our kids reached middle school and we relocated for the third time in five years I decided to semi-retire to be closer to them during their very critical years. I gave up my consulting business despite it being successful and frankly, I was pretty well known in my industry. I took a job in our town running a non-profit for little pay but it was very rewarding and I was around for my kids. My DH's career was very successful and he ran a couple of well known companies. His profile in his industry was high and I often wondered what would have happened with my career if I hadn't taken somewhat of a mommy track. I was definitely jealous but at the same time my kids were developing into outstanding young adults, my DH and I had a very loving relationship and our life was hard to beat. We definitely made relocation decisions to benefit his career at the expense of mine but I was always very supportive because the jobs were great and the locations were very nice. My DH was always very supportive of what I wanted to do but his career was clearly #1. Once we became empty nesters I retired rom the non-profit, took up a hobby and have turned it into a very nice business that perfectly fits our now retired lifestyle. So while I do wonder what I might have achieved in the corporate world I readily admit that I have a great life. I know my DH and my now married kids very proud of what I have done in all parts of my life so I'm very content.

Thanks for this perspective. I agree that it's the "what could've been" that really grinds on me, even though I am so thankful for how wonderful our lives are, objectively. - OP

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel but I'm OK with it. Both my DH and I got our MBA's and started with the same company in similar jobs making the same money. After we had our second child I decided to set up my own consulting business to give me a little more flexibility. The business did very well financially and my home/work balance was great but I was somewhat envious of my DH climbing the ranks. When our kids reached middle school and we relocated for the third time in five years I decided to semi-retire to be closer to them during their very critical years. I gave up my consulting business despite it being successful and frankly, I was pretty well known in my industry. I took a job in our town running a non-profit for little pay but it was very rewarding and I was around for my kids. My DH's career was very successful and he ran a couple of well known companies. His profile in his industry was high and I often wondered what would have happened with my career if I hadn't taken somewhat of a mommy track. I was definitely jealous but at the same time my kids were developing into outstanding young adults, my DH and I had a very loving relationship and our life was hard to beat. We definitely made relocation decisions to benefit his career at the expense of mine but I was always very supportive because the jobs were great and the locations were very nice. My DH was always very supportive of what I wanted to do but his career was clearly #1. Once we became empty nesters I retired rom the non-profit, took up a hobby and have turned it into a very nice business that perfectly fits our now retired lifestyle. So while I do wonder what I might have achieved in the corporate world I readily admit that I have a great life. I know my DH and my now married kids very proud of what I have done in all parts of my life so I'm very content.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.

And if that was the case you could always have scaled back your lifestyle to support the risk. But if you don't think you're worth it then that's the real problem.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - of course I own the decisions we made, and in reality DH and I have a great partnership. But even though I'm proud of him, I want to have the opportunity to have my own accomplishments, too. I am just as capable!

Part of the issue is that we get much more incremental benefit from investing in DH's career over mine, so the cost-benefit calculation never quite fell in favor of my interests. It is what it is - he is white and male, I am neither, and investing in me is just a much bigger risk because people don't see me as competent in the same way.