Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:56     Subject: i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
I am going to e Debbie Downer and say it gets worse as your kids get older. There are activities at school, later start time for elementary, activities, homework, more activites, terrible summer camp hours and that long commute is going to suck worse.

So, do yourself a huge favor and find new job or prioritize moving. You might have not be a Fed but there are lots of consulting jobs (cleared and not) that have more flexible telework options.

I loathe my job on a weekly basis but it takes me 10 minutes to get home and telework whenever I want. The times where I really loathe it- I don't go in for two weeks and it makes it much more bearable.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:39     Subject: i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:this is really just a vent because i know there are no solutions. i used to love my job, but a combination of asinine office politics and doing the same damn thing for 10 years with no end in sight means i just am so unmotivated. i turned a project into my supervisor today, knew it wasn't great, was told to fix it (in a nice way -- my supervisor is a nice guy), and didn't even care. i'll fix it, but i didn't care about getting mediocre feedback on it. a year ago, i would've been pretty upset. i just don't care anymore.

i live for the moment when i pick up my 1 year old from daycare. i hate that i can only spend 2 hours with her in the evening (less if, like today, she didn't nap well at daycare and so is taking a late nap). i hate that i'm tired from a 60 min commute each way through beltway traffic.

i wish i could become a SAHM, but we just can't afford it. i also don't want to put that much pressure on my husband, who has a chronic illness that is exacerbated from stress. his illness also means we can't afford to not have guaranteed insurance (i work for the feds in a job i essentially can't be fired from, while he's in the private sector).

anyway, i just wanted to vent a little.


Dear Op,
I send you hugs! We are in the same boat in that we can not afford it. I wish you all the best and that things get better in time.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:39     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:2 hours a night with your kid?

Yea I'd get a new job.

I use to get home at 3-4 and bedtime was 9.

Now I get home 4-5 but teens don't get home until late when they do sports.


Well, my daughter is only 1, so her bedtime is 7:30. I leave work at 3:30 and pick her up from daycare at 4:30 or 5:00.


It takes you 1-1.5 hours to get to daycare.

That seems like a bad plan.


It's the only place we could live that doesn't result in an even worse commute for at least one of us. Trust me -- I wish it were different.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:37     Subject: i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:Thanks, everyone. Unfortunately, we can't afford to live close to my job, in part because it would turn my husband's commute into hell. We live in MoCo and I work in Northern VA. He works in MD, east of the District. We tried to find a part of MoCo that optimized both of our commutes as much as possible. We don't have outlandish expenses; we live in a 2-bedroom condo, take 1 vacation a year and cook during the week.

Unfortunately, no one in my agency can telework because we work in a classified environment. I do a job that can only be done with a TS//SCI clearance. I could switch to the private sector, but I worry the hours would only be worse, given what I do (the equivalent of my job in the private sector would be risk consulting).

My husband makes good money ($160k plus bonus and stock options) but as you all know, this area is just too freaking expensive. Also, we really can't afford to not have insurance that covers his medication. He takes medication that costs $5,000/month without insurance. I really worry anything we got through COBRA or an exchange wouldn't cover his medication.


You need to do a little more research on insurance. The situation isn’t as dire as you think.

COBRA is your employer’s insurance. You just pay the premium. So anything covered by his employer-based plan is covered under COBRA.

And you can get an exchange policy that covers expensive medicines. I looked at a silver plan that covered my Orencia (sticker price $12,000/month; negotiated rate $5,000, I would pay $25). I ended up not buying off the exchange, but it’s there.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:37     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:2 hours a night with your kid?

Yea I'd get a new job.

I use to get home at 3-4 and bedtime was 9.

Now I get home 4-5 but teens don't get home until late when they do sports.


Well, my daughter is only 1, so her bedtime is 7:30. I leave work at 3:30 and pick her up from daycare at 4:30 or 5:00.


It takes you 1-1.5 hours to get to daycare.

That seems like a bad plan.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:31     Subject: i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She will soon outgrow the late nap, and stay up later. Focus on the good things: you are saving for retirement, providing healthcare, and extra income for college. See if you can telecommute or do AWS. Maybe look for opportunities at a different agency, or doing a different job for your agency.


Hoard money in savings and pay off all your debt to give you more flexibility.

If you try all that and still feel that way, maybe your husband can change jobs to make a little more money. If he loses his job, you use savings to COBRA or buy off the exchanges while one or both of you looks for a new job.

? not missing out on your 1 yr old's life is a good thing too. As a mom of an older ES and MS kid, I value those early years. They go by super fast, and I really my babies even though I used to get home by 4:30. I took time off with my first until he was about one, but went back FT with the second at 6 months, and I really wish I did at least PT with the second one until about 1 year. I didn't get to spend that time with my second as my first, and I regret it so much. I barely remember my second's baby years. Even with all this, I know I am more fortunate than most.


Right, but OP can’t go PT or take a year off. So she should focus on the positive aspects of working FT instead of the negative aspects of not seeing her kid very much.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:28     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Don't know your budget, but 160K should be enough to SAhM even if for few years.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:14     Subject: i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:She will soon outgrow the late nap, and stay up later. Focus on the good things: you are saving for retirement, providing healthcare, and extra income for college. See if you can telecommute or do AWS. Maybe look for opportunities at a different agency, or doing a different job for your agency.


Hoard money in savings and pay off all your debt to give you more flexibility.

If you try all that and still feel that way, maybe your husband can change jobs to make a little more money. If he loses his job, you use savings to COBRA or buy off the exchanges while one or both of you looks for a new job.

? not missing out on your 1 yr old's life is a good thing too. As a mom of an older ES and MS kid, I value those early years. They go by super fast, and I really my babies even though I used to get home by 4:30. I took time off with my first until he was about one, but went back FT with the second at 6 months, and I really wish I did at least PT with the second one until about 1 year. I didn't get to spend that time with my second as my first, and I regret it so much. I barely remember my second's baby years. Even with all this, I know I am more fortunate than most.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:13     Subject: i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
As a fed, can you drop to 32 hours/week? You'll maintain full time benefits, but will work one less day/week.

I know plenty of people who have done it, and at least in my fed office it hasn't hurt them (at least not that I can tell).
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:09     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you can 'hotel' in a SCIF closer to home a couple days a week. There are lots of IC buildings in the area. I'd look into that. As for the part time stigma, I agree it exists but it may be worth sacrificing your career in the near term to spend more time with your child, especially since you expressed wanting to be a SAHM.


I don't know if my agency has any in MD, but I'll look into it. That's a good idea. I don't think it would be too difficult to do my job remotely like that a couple of days a week.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:06     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Perhaps you can 'hotel' in a SCIF closer to home a couple days a week. There are lots of IC buildings in the area. I'd look into that. As for the part time stigma, I agree it exists but it may be worth sacrificing your career in the near term to spend more time with your child, especially since you expressed wanting to be a SAHM.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:03     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:Transfer to 100 percent telework job.


I'm not sure that exists in my field. My job requires a TS//SCI clearance, so it can't be done at home.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:02     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:2 hours a night with your kid?

Yea I'd get a new job.

I use to get home at 3-4 and bedtime was 9.

Now I get home 4-5 but teens don't get home until late when they do sports.


Well, my daughter is only 1, so her bedtime is 7:30. I leave work at 3:30 and pick her up from daycare at 4:30 or 5:00.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:02     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
Transfer to 100 percent telework job.
Anonymous
Post 10/03/2017 20:01     Subject: Re:i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it
2 hours a night with your kid?

Yea I'd get a new job.

I use to get home at 3-4 and bedtime was 9.

Now I get home 4-5 but teens don't get home until late when they do sports.