Anonymous wrote:I dont know, it's seems like second hand peer pressure. Cool parents say yes. Then the cautious parents feel the pressure to give in to the scene. I really do think some brave, strong, parents need to reset this situation. It does not need to be inevitable, but it will take a cultural movement away from the screens. Schools will need to start by getting away from social media organizing. Groups of parents need to agree to refuse the apps (you pay for the phone, you're rules, period), and kids need to believe that the scene is over and move on to another way to socialize.

What is second hand peer pressure? I don't see it at all as "cool parents" or "pressure to give in". I see it is a non-issue, part of life, same as knowing to make scrambled eggs or learning to swim.

Anonymous wrote:My kid has a friend who isn't allowed to have a smartphone. That friend still has social media accounts and uses other friend's phones to log in.

The parents think they have their kid on total lock down and really, their kid has totally open, unsupervised social media accounts. I'd rather allow my kid access to social media accounts and be able to monitor them vs. them going behind my back.

that means this sneaky kid isnt on it 24/7 like yours only when he is around friends...

My kid has a friend who isn't allowed to have a smartphone. That friend still has social media accounts and uses other friend's phones to log in.

The parents think they have their kid on total lock down and really, their kid has totally open, unsupervised social media accounts. I'd rather allow my kid access to social media accounts and be able to monitor them vs. them going behind my back.

I think once the kid is in college, you have zero say over what apps they can or can't use. You can maybe try to pull that if you're still paying their bill, but I doubt any 18 year old would rather stay off social media & have their bill paid by mom & dad vs. buy their own phone plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If this is the primary way your kids socialize, you have real problems!

This is how kids make plans, talk about homework, chat, etc. when they're not together. I don't think PP meant that her kid sits alone at home on SnapChat any time he is not in school. You never communicated with your friends in high school?

Im curious - why don't they do this through text/group chat? How is snapchat or instagram different?

One reason I hear a lot is that because the app functions the same for everyone, whereas a group chat doesn't work the same for everyone when you have Android users and iPhone users mixed together.

I know even at work, we now use WhatsApp for group messages because just making group chats caused messages to not be seen by others with different phone types.

From someone with slightly older (13 and 15) kids, I think that you really need to monitor or supervise kids with social media. It's kind of funny that people on this online forum are saying kids should not have access to current technology.

My 15 year old has facebook, instagram and now snapchat and I trust him. My 13 year old does not have social media because he doesn't want it yet. When he does, we will have rules about monitoring until I feel he can be trusted. Plus he uses it for group things at school.

But, I am always surprised at how people think it's either say absolutely no or else yes with no restrictions. When you start, please make rules.

Ours are:

phones are plugged in the for the night in the kitchen, not bedrooms
no posting pictures without permission of those in the picture (and I sadly have to follow this too so if my 15 year old doesn't want me to post a funny pic of him, I don't)
I have passwords and will check periodically
same rules for kindness etc as in regular life

Once you give phones and social media it's really hard to make your rules more strict so start strict and become more flexible as kids earn their trust.

My 15 year old is a sophomore and is going away to college in a few years. I'd rather him practice while under my supervision.

No Facebook until they are 13. No Snapchat or Instagram until they are 14.

I dont know, it's seems like second hand peer pressure. Cool parents say yes. Then the cautious parents feel the pressure to give in to the scene. I really do think some brave, strong, parents need to reset this situation. It does not need to be inevitable, but it will take a cultural movement away from the screens. Schools will need to start by getting away from social media organizing. Groups of parents need to agree to refuse the apps (you pay for the phone, you're rules, period), and kids need to believe that the scene is over and move on to another way to socialize.

I wanted to ban it entirely, but my kids were seriously being left out of the social scene. Sixth graders set up a group text and group instagram chats, and 'anybody who is anybody' were on them. Kids who weren't on them ended up not getting the invite to informal parties, etc. I said no to snapchat until my dd hit 9th grade, and then gave in because so much of the social scene had moved there. And in high school, all of the clubs communicate by one social media or another. (Interestingly, it seems to be predominately facebook, which my dd had no interest in until that point.)

My two kids are very different-- one much more responsible than the other. For both, I started out monitoring the phone heavily (with their knowledge). With one, I never had to intervene on anything. On the other, it was a very useful learning exercise-- I have brought up issues several times with her and am so pleased that I was monitoring. In fact, if she'd never had social media, we would have lost some valuable discussions. A side effect is that she is one who never shares anything with me at home, and this gave me a window into what her social life was like, which was illuminating (though not the main purpose of monitoring).

The older one has pretty much graduated out of my monitoring her phone. I have told her that I still reserve the right, but I haven't actually looked at it in months. I will be monitoring the younger one's phone for the foreseeable future.

We are only beginning to understand how these items are negatively effecting developing brains. I think it is unwise to cave to the peer pressure of its generational or they need to learn.

Additionally, schools want it both ways. They want kids off the phones, yet, allow school sports etc, to organize through socials. First step, call the schools out on that nonsense. They can easily arrange things through email or constant contact.

Next, we need to make it uncool to be a screen addict. If society has been largely effective at reducing cigarette use, it can accomplish this too. All the teens I know will drop it by sundown if they think old people ( their parents) are into it. Look what happened to Facebook. Start getting involved intheir chats etc., account will be closed at turbo speed.

And unfortunately, it will take diligent parenting, I know who has the time to fight that hard with teens. But, the notion that it is unavoidable is just ridiculous. We need to reset the expectations and whatch the emerging studies carefully before we accept these things in our childs lives.

Anonymous wrote:I love bless your heart ...

I find it annoying. It's a cloying Southern way of signaling a nasty comment has been said or is about to follow, wrapped in a very superficial covering, i.e:

He's gotten fat, bless his heart.

Oh, bless your heart, you need some Lycra on those thighs!

She thinks he likes her. She's delusional, bless her heart.

I allow it. They have to learn to be responsible at some point. When my kids are 18 they are on their own. My 14 yr old only has 4 more years, and then I'm moving 1,100 miles away, leaving her the house, and she'll be in college while I enjoy myself. The time to learn responsibility is now.

Anonymous wrote:My son is in 7th grade and he does not have any social media accounts. We do have a phone with prepaid minutes he is allowed to use when he goes to a friend's house or scout activities, but the only thing he is interested in using it for is YouTube, which we monitor. It seems like many of his friends do have their own phones and social media accounts. We just don't feel our son is mature enough to have his own phone and social media accounts because of his ADHD and developmental delays. We told him when he starts high school, he can have his own phone with Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat or whatever they use then.

Agree. Same. My children haven't asked, don't care.

Anonymous wrote:

If this is the primary way your kids socialize, you have real problems!

This is how kids make plans, talk about homework, chat, etc. when they're not together. I don't think PP meant that her kid sits alone at home on SnapChat any time he is not in school. You never communicated with your friends in high school?

Social media has replaced the telephone. Kids work on school projects this way when they can't get together.

My son is in 7th grade and he does not have any social media accounts. We do have a phone with prepaid minutes he is allowed to use when he goes to a friend's house or scout activities, but the only thing he is interested in using it for is YouTube, which we monitor. It seems like many of his friends do have their own phones and social media accounts. We just don't feel our son is mature enough to have his own phone and social media accounts because of his ADHD and developmental delays. We told him when he starts high school, he can have his own phone with Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat or whatever they use then.