Anonymous wrote:Was he always like this? Why did you marry him?

He sounds awful but I have a question: Is he like this way with everything and anything? Or is he like this with things he's gone over with people before and then upset it was ignored (big or small matter)?

You do realize you are showing your kids that it is perfectly okay to treat a mom/ wife that way. Just wait until your son starts treating you and his wife the way you are treated or seeing your daughter pick someone who treats her that way. Please don't continue the cycle and show them that it's not okay to abuse someone like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he always like this? Why did you marry him?

We've been together >20 years and we've had our ups and downs. It hasn't always been this bad, started getting worse about 3-4 years ago. I suppose I loved him and always made excuses for him. Blamed it on stress from schooling, work, having young kids. He usually apologizes, but then shortly after he's yelling about something else which makes me feel that his apologies are disingenuous.

This past summer I took my kids to visit family for a week-long trip. I have to say it was nice to be able to make decisions without worrying that he would get upset. My kids even expressed not wanting to return home because they don't like the way he yells.

I'm not financially independent and don't have family nearby. I've looked for a basic, 1 bedroom basement apartment in the area but the rent would exceed 70% of my take-home pay.

PP here in a similar situation. I was a SAHM and also cannot afford to rent in the area. I moved in with my parents until I get back on my feet, because anything is better than living in that situation. I know it's hard because your family are far and your husband may throw a fit about you taking them away, but please try to figure a way out. "Partners" like that are toxic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Everything I do upsets my husband. Anything seems to send him into a rage. Yelling, calling me names, throwing things if I disagree. Typically it's done directly in front of our children.

While he praises any dishes he cooks for himself, he is utterly critical of what I make.
If while cooking, I put the vent on level 2, he yells about why it should be on level 3.
I wash the clothes in warm water, he argues that I should be washing it on cold.
If I leave my (yes, mine... Not ours) bedroom door closed during the day, he complains that I should keep it open.
Buying my children colored socks instead of white socks.
If I warm up leftovers instead of cooking something fresh.
If I don't hand feed my 5 year old bc he isn't eating quick enough.
If I pour my five year old 3 ounces of milk instead of four.

He also micromanages everything I eat and what I wear. If I'm talking to a friend or neighbor, he hushes me.

I'm at a loss. He refuses to seek marriage counseling, saying its a waste of money.

Any advice? Is this marriage doomed?

I've been in your shoes, and yes, I think your marriage is doomed unless he is willing to see that what he's doing in wrong and stop it. That is abusive and is no way to live. My ex had an "I'm right. Shut up and do as I say" attitude for four years. It is so draining and upsetting because your DH like mine probably refuses to see that what he's doing is wrong. Been there, done that. If you're anything like me, you'll feel so much better the moment you stop living with him.

PP again. The hypocrisy is mind boggling. Get this: ex DH acted like yours - yelling at me in front of our little girl, even hitting me in front of her many times. Then after we move out, we exchange text messages and he says something that's supposed to piss me off like he's so clever. To which I answer "duh." You know what he says? That I should control my anger. What an ass.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Everything I do upsets my husband. Anything seems to send him into a rage. Yelling, calling me names, throwing things if I disagree. Typically it's done directly in front of our children.

While he praises any dishes he cooks for himself, he is utterly critical of what I make.
If while cooking, I put the vent on level 2, he yells about why it should be on level 3.
I wash the clothes in warm water, he argues that I should be washing it on cold.
If I leave my (yes, mine... Not ours) bedroom door closed during the day, he complains that I should keep it open.
Buying my children colored socks instead of white socks.
If I warm up leftovers instead of cooking something fresh.
If I don't hand feed my 5 year old bc he isn't eating quick enough.
If I pour my five year old 3 ounces of milk instead of four.

He also micromanages everything I eat and what I wear. If I'm talking to a friend or neighbor, he hushes me.

I'm at a loss. He refuses to seek marriage counseling, saying its a waste of money.

Any advice? Is this marriage doomed?

I've been in your shoes, and yes, I think your marriage is doomed unless he is willing to see that what he's doing in wrong and stop it. That is abusive and is no way to live. My ex had an "I'm right. Shut up and do as I say" attitude for four years. It is so draining and upsetting because your DH like mine probably refuses to see that what he's doing is wrong. Been there, done that. If you're anything like me, you'll feel so much better the moment you stop living with him.

Is he getting enough sex?

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is acting this way towards you. His actions and words are not ok by any means, and he is not loving you as a husband should love his wife!
Is this something that started recently, or has it always been this way? If it it out of character for him, is there some kind of stress in his life that could be causing it? (Again, not saying what he is doing is right, but when people are under stress or dealing with large burdens, they can say and do things that are hurtful often targeting those that they love!)
Have you tried to talk to him about it? Share how much he is hurting you and the effect it is having on the kids? I don't want to jump in and say that the marriage is doomed, because I strongly believe that any marriage can be saved and healed with a lot of hard work from both spouses. Can you go counseling on your own? Maybe a professional can give you tools on how to deal with all of this. If your husband does continue in this behavior and continues hurting you, maybe some type of boundaries need to be put in to place until he is willing to get some help! It is not healthy for anyone in your family. I hope this has helped! I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I will be praying for you!

Anything seems to send him into a rage. Yelling, calling me names, throwing things if I disagree. Typically it's done directly in front of our children.

Please get your children out of this situation. And, I really doubt counseling will solve anything here. But please, do it safely. Get safety nets in place before you leave.