Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this. I'm fairly certain his parents think I'm the reason. I'm not. I'm the one who typically pesters him to call his mother.

Same!!! I'm pretty sure his parents (mother especially) somehow think it's because of me, but it's not - he just seriously can't be bothered to contact them, ever. And the only reason we ever visit them is bc I feel like we should, and initiate / make the plans to everytime. It's annoyingly, don't feel like it should be my job to pester him to reach out to his own family, but here we are...

Anonymous wrote:If she posted this publicly on my FB feed, I would say something like:

"Nancy, I know! I've been telling @Brad he needs to call you ASAP to set up a visit. Hope you guys can work something out soon!"

+1. This is the only way she will eventually get it. She probably knows her son is at fault, AND wishes you would do more to pick up the slack. My DH is not this bad, but he definitely talks to/sees his parents less now that we're married and have kids (naturally). At first MIL would reach out to me on things she wasn't getting an answer from him on. I used to respond, but a couple of times when she wasn't happy with the answer, I'm pretty sure she blamed me. Now I always make it clear to her that I have reminded DH he needs to get back to her/let her know our plans, etc., so she know I am not the hold up. She now goes to him almost exclusively. When she does reach out to me, it's clear what's she's asking is to push DH to get back to her on something time sensitive. It just took training.

New poster here with the same issue. Just this morning I had to pester DH to call his parents. Ugh.

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Anonymous wrote:What are these detached DHs like with their wives and kids? Just curious if they are detached in general, or just with their parents.

This is OP. Just with his parents! He's very attentive to us, his wife and kids. It's just his parents he can't be bothered with.

+1. I have the same husband. He plans intricate family adventures for our weekends, date nights for us, but cant call his parents. His parents are so excited for Christmas, but we will be out of the country and Dh won't mention it to them because he knows how disappointed they'll be. Annoying af.

My brother is like that. Very attentive to his gf and her needs, supports her financially and emotionally, but will forget the most simple request from his siblings or parents, won’t ever offer to pay at a restaurant, won’t call or text back, etc. He says he has the best family and proclaims love to us on social media,but behaves the way he behaves. It’s disappointing (for the family) and I think stems from the fact that he is “the baby” of the family, always coddled and spoiled, never given any obligations/chores or taken seriously when growing up.

But do you blame his wife?

He does not have a wife, he has a girlfriend. Considering he has behaved like that in every long-term relationship, I don't see why would we blame her.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are these detached DHs like with their wives and kids? Just curious if they are detached in general, or just with their parents.

This is OP. Just with his parents! He's very attentive to us, his wife and kids. It's just his parents he can't be bothered with.

+1. I have the same husband. He plans intricate family adventures for our weekends, date nights for us, but cant call his parents. His parents are so excited for Christmas, but we will be out of the country and Dh won't mention it to them because he knows how disappointed they'll be. Annoying af.

My brother is like that. Very attentive to his gf and her needs, supports her financially and emotionally, but will forget the most simple request from his siblings or parents, won’t ever offer to pay at a restaurant, won’t call or text back, etc. He says he has the best family and proclaims love to us on social media,but behaves the way he behaves. It’s disappointing (for the family) and I think stems from the fact that he is “the baby” of the family, always coddled and spoiled, never given any obligations/chores or taken seriously when growing up.

But do you blame his wife?

my husband is the same... and my in laws live 15 mins away....

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this every day of my life. I'm at the point where I REFUSE to pick up any of his slack. If he can't call his parents to discuss plans, holidays or what's going on in our lives, I'm not going to either. The worst was when his parents thought we were coming for Easter this year (not sure why, it wasn't their turn to have us for Easter...) and we just didn't show up. DH knew it would disappoint his parents that we couldn't come for Easter, so he just couldn't have that difficult conversation with them.

Oh and one of his big excuses is that his parents NEVER call him.

This is SO my husband. He's very unwilling to upset the applecart with his parents. But he has NO ISSUE with me doing it with my parents. For some reason, he's absolutely terrified of upsetting his parents. But has no issues upsetting them by not calling or making them beg and plead to visit. Hmm.

I struggle with this every day of my life. I'm at the point where I REFUSE to pick up any of his slack. If he can't call his parents to discuss plans, holidays or what's going on in our lives, I'm not going to either. The worst was when his parents thought we were coming for Easter this year (not sure why, it wasn't their turn to have us for Easter...) and we just didn't show up. DH knew it would disappoint his parents that we couldn't come for Easter, so he just couldn't have that difficult conversation with them.

Oh and one of his big excuses is that his parents NEVER call him.

My husband is like this. I'm fairly certain his parents think I'm the reason. I'm not. I'm the one who typically pesters him to call his mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are these detached DHs like with their wives and kids? Just curious if they are detached in general, or just with their parents.

This is OP. Just with his parents! He's very attentive to us, his wife and kids. It's just his parents he can't be bothered with.

+1. I have the same husband. He plans intricate family adventures for our weekends, date nights for us, but cant call his parents. His parents are so excited for Christmas, but we will be out of the country and Dh won't mention it to them because he knows how disappointed they'll be. Annoying af.

My brother is like that. Very attentive to his gf and her needs, supports her financially and emotionally, but will forget the most simple request from his siblings or parents, won’t ever offer to pay at a restaurant, won’t call or text back, etc. He says he has the best family and proclaims love to us on social media,but behaves the way he behaves. It’s disappointing (for the family) and I think stems from the fact that he is “the baby” of the family, always coddled and spoiled, never given any obligations/chores or taken seriously when growing up.

Anonymous wrote:I am a female who doesn't have a close relationship with my parents. Look, I am perfectly capable of keeping in contact (as I do with the friends I like). However, I am just not interested. Yes, I do through the motions (call them maybe once a month), I will soon have to go visit.
There is a reason why this is so. THEY have made their own bed.
Don't blame your DH. Ask him about his friendship, his feelings towards him Mom, etc. My brother has the same distant relationship with our parents, his wife doesn't get it! She thinks everyone is as close as her family. The fact is, her family is welcoming, caring, they don't create problems, they are not crazy. Of course anyone would want to call and visit them, since they make you feel loved.

My husband is like ops and his family isn't awful. Dh just is really into our nuclear family and loves being home. He hates talking on the phone. His parents didn't do anything wrong. I would give a pinky toe up if Dh would talk to them more. I've dragged him into counseling for it and he still doesn't change.

Anonymous wrote:I am a female who doesn't have a close relationship with my parents. Look, I am perfectly capable of keeping in contact (as I do with the friends I like). However, I am just not interested. Yes, I do through the motions (call them maybe once a month), I will soon have to go visit.
There is a reason why this is so. THEY have made their own bed.
Don't blame your DH. Ask him about his friendship, his feelings towards him Mom, etc. My brother has the same distant relationship with our parents, his wife doesn't get it! She thinks everyone is as close as her family. The fact is, her family is welcoming, caring, they don't create problems, they are not crazy. Of course anyone would want to call and visit them, since they make you feel loved.

We get it, but the situation here is different - the MIL is pressuring OP for more visits. In such a case, you'll agree that the husband should take the lead.

I am a female who doesn't have a close relationship with my parents. Look, I am perfectly capable of keeping in contact (as I do with the friends I like). However, I am just not interested. Yes, I do through the motions (call them maybe once a month), I will soon have to go visit.
There is a reason why this is so. THEY have made their own bed.
Don't blame your DH. Ask him about his friendship, his feelings towards him Mom, etc. My brother has the same distant relationship with our parents, his wife doesn't get it! She thinks everyone is as close as her family. The fact is, her family is welcoming, caring, they don't create problems, they are not crazy. Of course anyone would want to call and visit them, since they make you feel loved.

"Dear Husband and In-Laws,

This is a loving Public Service Announcement from your wife and daughter-in-law. I will not be managing Husband's relationship with In-Laws anymore, since Husband never initiates visits or calls or gifts, and In-Laws make me feel guilty about not seeing more of him and his family. You are placing me in the middle and it's too much mental load. In the future, you will please communicate directly to each other. Thank you.

Love, Me."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are these detached DHs like with their wives and kids? Just curious if they are detached in general, or just with their parents.

This is OP. Just with his parents! He's very attentive to us, his wife and kids. It's just his parents he can't be bothered with.

Ditto. Extremely involved / hands-on with our immediate family...he just sees his parents as more of an obligation, I guess