I absolutely want them to feel loved and cared for (and be adequately cared for). I did invite one parent to move in with me and would be happy to have any of them live with me if I could provide the level of care they needed.

Yes, without question. I love them deeply, even though we don't have the easiest relationship.

However, I've been reminded over and over again that my idea of happy is not always my mom's idea of it. And her idea of happy drives me crazy. She loves to cook for us and feed my boys, but it takes her a lot of time to do it, and I'd rather that she spends the time on herself. And we argue about it and sometimes I'm on the verge of tears begging her to stop b/c it is breaking my heart that she's tired as a result. It's very frustrating.

I care though I expect them to have their finances in order for day-to-day expenses considering how lavishly they spend now. What I want to do is buy a 7-8 bedroom house with an in-law suite of 2 bedrooms including so they can live in 'their' half of the house and me + my family in ours. That would be about 10 years from now.

But they don't need me - they have two homes of their own and seem fine otherwise.

I will care for them because I love them and want them to be and feel comfortable and safe. I care about them deeply and want to make them happy. I probably will also resent their failures to plan ahead, take care of their health, etc.

With my ILs, it's more of an obligation, not because I don't like them but because I know the details care will fall to me vs their sons. If I don't do it, they'll get shitty care.

Even if it is mostly driven by love and concern, of course it may feel like obligation at times. It's not any different with caring for your own kids -- I love my kids, but I don't feel enthusiastic about changing poopy diapers several times a day and driving them around. I cherish our time together and love being with them, but I'm also frustrated and irritated with them, and I feel like I have to drag myself to do some of these things at times. That's normal! I don't see it as being that different with my parents -- but they also live far away, so I'm not going to be driving them to appointments every week no matter what. In that case, it's more about visiting frequently (which is sometimes more of a chore than a joy, but we also have fun when there).

I have tried and will always try to help my parents while making them feel loved and cared for. A big thing I also do is that I don't worry them if I can help it. I make them think everything is great with my life, and their relief is palpable. They don't ask for any help unless absolutely necessary.

As for making people happy, do you mean am I going to live my life in a way that makes the parents happy? That would be a no. For example, my MIL would only be happy if I died, her son moved her in to become Queen of the house, and she handpicked a new wife for him who would mainly be her devoted and worshipful person servant.

Adults are responsible for their own happiness.

I am DONE trying to please the in laws. Totally would be fine never seeing them again.

I love my Mom and hope she's happy. Certainly will make the effort to spend time with her.

I get along best with my Dad from afar. He's remarried with new kids, so I'm sure I won't see too much if him as he gets older.

Anonymous wrote:Or do you just want to do the bare minimum to avoid feeling guilty and looking bad in front of others?

Please answer honestly! I have a secret reason for asking, I'll reveal it at the end of the thread. Thanks so much!

Nope. They viewed parenting as a chore. I've come to viewing their welfare as a chore, as a result. I'll make sure they're not destitute. But nothing more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or do you just want to do the bare minimum to avoid feeling guilty and looking bad in front of others?

Please answer honestly! I have a secret reason for asking, I'll reveal it at the end of the thread. Thanks so much!

I don't see it as a simple choice between doing nothing but appearances and doing everything.

I don't really give a hoot about how I look in front of others.

There is no making my mother happy, so I won't give up my life for it.

I will do what a good daughter and mother does - which is assist them, with an open heart, but not cease living my own life.

Would you ever let your parent move in with you if you didn't feel you could look after them adequately from afar? If not, what would you do at that point?

Ditto here. No making my mother happy, either. And she is a full-on narcissist who has not once considered her children's needs before her own wishes. And I do my best to help her, with financial support, practical support and emotional support--because it is the right thing to do and I am the only one available to do it. And I also set limits and maintain boundaries to keep my sanity.

Anonymous wrote:Or do you just want to do the bare minimum to avoid feeling guilty and looking bad in front of others?

Please answer honestly! I have a secret reason for asking, I'll reveal it at the end of the thread. Thanks so much!

I don't see it as a simple choice between doing nothing but appearances and doing everything.

I don't really give a hoot about how I look in front of others.

There is no making my mother happy, so I won't give up my life for it.

I will do what a good daughter and mother does - which is assist them, with an open heart, but not cease living my own life.

Anonymous wrote:Why can't they hire someone to help care for them?

Well, realistically, if you are talking about someone who is 90+, someone would have to do the hiring and the overseeing of a carer. It could be challenging to manage that from far away, for example.

Not the op, but I can relate to the question. I always thought I'd be the one to take care of my parents in their old age, but my older brother has been the one to step up. My mother died last year, and he lived with them for her last two years through a horrible illness. He woke up to carry her to the bathroom, etc. I had my young children, a demanding job and lived across the country. My brother is single with no children and no job. He had been working with my dad on a business after several of his own attempts failed. I have some resentment of my brother for living off my parents and not up to his potential, but he is now taking care of my father, who became disabled and weak after our mom passed. He is in many ways making up for years of irresponsible, profligate behavior. And he knows we could not switch places because of my family obligations. Hopefully my mother knows how much I cared about her. I flew home for one week a month during her sixth month illness, but I could not bring myself to be there at her last breath.

Why can't they hire someone to help care for them?

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for your replies so far. I should clarify - I am talking about at the point where they really start to need care because they can't drive, are isolated, forget medications, have difficulty paying bills, etc.

At that point is it all about obligation or does part of you want to make sure they feel loved and looked after during that period?

Loving them and looking after them comes with an obligation to take care of them to the best of my ability. Time and money etc.