I feel sad that your marriage has not brought you more personal fulfillment. And yet, your heart is open to hope so please don't let go of that. I am not a marriage counselor, but I have learned which principles of life need to be in place in order for any marriage to thrive. And they all go back to the marriage vows spoken on the wedding day. I wonder how often people actually consider the depth of those words and the price they will need to pay in order to live them out. We all know marriage is a compromise, a give and take, an inconvenience, a sacrifice, an agreement, and a commitment to our promise. But because we are human, unable to do those things in our own strength, we need the intervention of God who established marriage in the first place.

As I read over your post asking for suggestions, the best and only one I can offer is to begin to pray for your husband. Marriage is really a matter of the heart, and when we look at the principles set forth in our vows, we clearly see that love is a choice made for the good of the other person. You are right, feelings aren't always there, but our vows never said anything about our feelings, because when we put into practice all the promises we spoke, those feelings will surface and we enter the state of true love.

There was a time in my own marriage when I thought all hope was gone and in my limited understanding, did not see any restoration on the horizon. But prayer changes people. It changes hearts. It changes our perspective. God has more than answered my prayer, so I am giving you a first hand account of why I believe prayer has the power to change hearts. Prayer changed my own heart. Whenever I felt myself wanting to act in such a way that was not pleasing to God, I caught myself and did the exact opposite. If I felt like ignoring my husband, I would walk over to where he was and begin a simple conversation. If I felt mad or angry at him, instead of letting that fester and destroy me, I would go to him and unload my burden, even when he didn't feel like listening to me. I was able to overcome my own obstacles because of my choices. In the end, what I do in this lifetime is between me and God anyway, so when I give an account for all I have done while here on earth, I want to hear the words, "Well done good and faithful servant."

I have a choice to make everyday, and I have chosen to love him the way I want God to love me. We share many of the same goals which gives us common ground to stand on. We try to put God first despite our weaknesses and flaws. We recognize we are both in desperate need of God's grace and intervention in our lives. Everyone is that way. We cannot make it through this life on our own. It was never designed to work that way.

Do you think it would ever be possible to plan a little retreat or get-a-way for the purpose of taking inventory of your hearts? For talking over your goals and feelings in specific areas? You could even do it in a day or an afternoon, somwhere relaxing and quiet, and somewhere away from home that is conducive to building your relationship. You could have a list of topics or questions all ready for you both to answer. These topics can be geared toward wanting to grow and build your relationship - the "how-to's" of your own personal lifestyle at home. The broken pieces can be glued back together. Restoration is possible, you just need to build on the right foundation.

I truly hope and pray you are encouraged to keep pressing forward. One of my favorite songs we sang at church went like this. "God will make a way where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me." It's true too.

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest having sex a few times a week even if you're not in the mood and trying to get into it. Sometimes guys are assholes because they need a release. You might find him easier to deal with over time.

And maybe find a different marriage counselors. Mental Health Professionals are not created equally. Having a young child (and loosing one) is such an emotional and volatile time in your life and marriage. My only concern is that temporary conditions could lead you down a path that you may later regret.

I would suggest having sex a few times a week even if you're not in the mood and trying to get into it. Sometimes guys are assholes because they need a release. You might find him easier to deal with over time.

Anonymous wrote: Hi OP, I read this and thought it kind of sounds like my marriage. We rarely have sex and when we do it’s not very good, we spend a lot of time alone, we have 1 child, we’ve tried counseling, and I suggested that we open up the marriage but he said no.

I like my husband, though. He’s a good person even though we aren’t well matched. I wish we could be next door neighbors.

You need to get a job, first and foremost. It will change the dynamics of your relationship and will allow you to have the means to leave, if that’s what you decide.

Yes! That's what we are like. We're both good people, we just aren't a good match and have very different opinions on what we want out of life.

I am working on getting a job and have applications out. DH won't be too happy, every time I've brought up getting a job he gets stressed out and tries to convince me not to.

A question. Has anyone ever "successfully" opened up A marriage long-term? Stayed together with spouse, no awkwardness with kids as they grow up and and are like wtf?