Anonymous
Post 09/27/2017 09:56     Subject: My teens hate me.
I was angsty as hell during my teen years, I full on hated my mother. Her reaction/responses only drove me further from her. Now that i'm older she admitted that she really didn't know how to communicate with me and instead just shut me out, because what was the point? I was going to be pissy no matter what.

Sooo.... don't do that. IMO Mean/cruel/aggressive/angsty/pissy/ect are all just cries for attention. Continue to be a constant in their lives. They can hate you, you're still their mother. As they continue to age they will later understand the sacrifices you've made to love them. If you quietly "opt-out" this will become a prolong issue in your relationship, well into their adult years.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2017 09:51     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every 4 or 5 months I feel like my DD and I aren't connected as much as we need to. I'll take her out for a drink (boba, Starbucks, whatever) and we'll talk. "What's up with Erin?" "What happened to that boy who was annoying you in math?" "Are you and Cole still friends?" These types of questions get her talking.


Ugh. That sounds terrible. My mom still asks me this kind of nosy stuff at almost 40 and it makes me not want to share anything.


Ditto. Anything I tell my mom gives her an opening for a lengthy, obsessive interrogation.
Anonymous
Post 09/27/2017 09:36     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:This might sound mean but when I read something like this it typically means to me that you are likely home a lot and resent that your teens don't want to spend as much time with you as they perhaps did when they were younger. if so, that is on you, not them.


I don't think this is mean. OP-- my oldest is 14 and definitely withdrawing and much less interested in talking to me. I try to touch base with her every evening with mixed outcomes. I do think its useful to be conscious that it's ok to fade into the background of their lives as a present, steady, secure person that does not expect them to socialize with you. To accomplish this, you need to make sure your life is otherwise full. Reconnect with friends and your spouse and investigate a new hobby. Consider knitting. I recently learned and it's fun. It also has the great benefit of letting you be present for your kids while simultaneously doing something for yourself.!
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 22:14     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:Need more info. How much time have you made for them up to now? How do you communicate with them?



What a leading question. So it's always the parents' fault when a teen is an asshole? Is it alway the parents everyone who is an asshole or are there some people who are going to be assholes no matter what their parents do?
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 21:15     Subject: My teens hate me.
Maybe you're doing it right???

We can't really know without more details, OP.

Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 21:12     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:Not much advice, just an old quote from my own mother that seems to have held true for me when raising my teens:

If teenagers don't "hate" you at some point, you're probably doing something wrong as a parent. They'll most likely realize you're not the stupidest and most annoying person on the planet sometime around their mid-20's and go back to being fairly decent to get along with.


I think this is not OP's situation. I am raising teenagers and they don't hate me. They may not always like what i tell them to do, but they will go and do it. My older one is my best friend, shopping and travel buddy. They may have their opinion about everything and I do respect their opinions, however, it is not the same as hate or not having relationship.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 19:33     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every 4 or 5 months I feel like my DD and I aren't connected as much as we need to. I'll take her out for a drink (boba, Starbucks, whatever) and we'll talk. "What's up with Erin?" "What happened to that boy who was annoying you in math?" "Are you and Cole still friends?" These types of questions get her talking.


Ugh. That sounds terrible. My mom still asks me this kind of nosy stuff at almost 40 and it makes me not want to share anything.


Luckily my daughter and I are close enough that she would tell me if she felt like I was being intrusive rather than interested in her friends.


DP, but I had a mom whose attempts at conversation/bonding were very similar to yours, and at the risk of being too blunt, while you my think your teen would feel comfortable telling you such a thing I highly doubt it's actually the case. Most well-raised teens would know that there is simply no polite way to say such a thing without risking offending the parent (and it certainly sounds like you care enough and are a sufficiently conscientious parent to have taught your child decent manners). The power dynamics in any parent/child relationship are such that it's an incredibly risky idea to actually speak up and try to convey something like that. Would she really? Are you sure? Because my mother remained convinced that we had a "very close" relationship despite the fact that I had a literal countdown until the day I could reasonably cut off contact with her -- which I did as soon as I could except for very occasional small talk on essential holidays in order to keep peace within the family for the sake of my contact with my younger siblings.


I'm really sorry you wanted to get away from your mom so badly. I felt the same way about my mom. I think the difference here is, I am much less judgmental with my DD than my mother was with me. My mother punished me for every little thing I did wrong. If I was five minutes late meeting her, I was grounded for five weeks. When my DD is five minutes late, she's running up and saying "Sorry I was late - the bus took forever/I was stopped by my math teacher" and I just hug her and say "I'm so happy to see you!" I threaten to do terrible and embarrassing things to her, like send a singing telegram to her school on her birthday. We actually just had a talk a week ago about how she DOES want me to talk to her teachers but wants me to be less aggressive when I do it, and we talked about examples of that. So she IS comfortable criticizing me, and I DO accept feedback.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 19:07     Subject: My teens hate me.
it is tough and may not be anything that you did or did not do. The only advice I would have is to work hard not to appear needy or really letting them know the power differential has shifted because then they know they have you and will manipulate that. I would try the above listed things and hang in there. This too shall pass.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 18:40     Subject: My teens hate me.
This might sound mean but when I read something like this it typically means to me that you are likely home a lot and resent that your teens don't want to spend as much time with you as they perhaps did when they were younger. if so, that is on you, not them.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 18:35     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every 4 or 5 months I feel like my DD and I aren't connected as much as we need to. I'll take her out for a drink (boba, Starbucks, whatever) and we'll talk. "What's up with Erin?" "What happened to that boy who was annoying you in math?" "Are you and Cole still friends?" These types of questions get her talking.


Ugh. That sounds terrible. My mom still asks me this kind of nosy stuff at almost 40 and it makes me not want to share anything.


Luckily my daughter and I are close enough that she would tell me if she felt like I was being intrusive rather than interested in her friends.


DP, but I had a mom whose attempts at conversation/bonding were very similar to yours, and at the risk of being too blunt, while you my think your teen would feel comfortable telling you such a thing I highly doubt it's actually the case. Most well-raised teens would know that there is simply no polite way to say such a thing without risking offending the parent (and it certainly sounds like you care enough and are a sufficiently conscientious parent to have taught your child decent manners). The power dynamics in any parent/child relationship are such that it's an incredibly risky idea to actually speak up and try to convey something like that. Would she really? Are you sure? Because my mother remained convinced that we had a "very close" relationship despite the fact that I had a literal countdown until the day I could reasonably cut off contact with her -- which I did as soon as I could except for very occasional small talk on essential holidays in order to keep peace within the family for the sake of my contact with my younger siblings.


(PP ignore this person. You know what you + DD's relationship is like. I have a relationship like you describe with my mom)
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 18:29     Subject: My teens hate me.
When I was a teenager I had a love-hate relationship with my mom. I was mostly way too busy to bother with her for a few years. Most of what she said caused me to roll my eyes.

When I started having my own kids, and I did that rather young, my attitude changed dramatically as I realized what she had gone through as a mother of four. For the next 30+ years she was literally my best friend. She's been dead now for 8 years and I miss her every single day.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 18:08     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:Is really a 'hate' situation, or one in which they just prefer the parent that's the same sex? Or the parent that wasn't the bad guy growing up? I see that a lot in my friend group. It seems like if the mom has been the bad guy disciplinarian growing up, the kids want to avoid her as teens because they fear getting in trouble.

I know growing up, I always did things with my mom and my brother always did things with my dad. Unless it was shopping for school clothes, my brother just didn't hang out with my mom once he reached maybe age 12. Same with my dad and I.

I've tried to avoid this split with my own kids by sometimes just having to fake interest in something to hang out with them. I'm not a fan of professional soccer, but my son is, so I fake it and go to games with him. My husband isn't a fan of musicals, but our daughter is, so he'll take her to see one and let her tell him all about it and the people in it, etc.





I think what yiu experienced is traditional gender roles type stuff. Im a mom to 4 kids ages 25, 23, 21, &16. The oldest 3 are boys. Im closest to my 21yr old. We are very similar and have always connected. My 16yr old girl is off on planet Pluto.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 18:01     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every 4 or 5 months I feel like my DD and I aren't connected as much as we need to. I'll take her out for a drink (boba, Starbucks, whatever) and we'll talk. "What's up with Erin?" "What happened to that boy who was annoying you in math?" "Are you and Cole still friends?" These types of questions get her talking.


Ugh. That sounds terrible. My mom still asks me this kind of nosy stuff at almost 40 and it makes me not want to share anything.


Np here. You sound terrible for saying something so awful to someone you know nothing about. Did it occur to you that pp's daughter tells her about the friends and that's why pp asks about them? I'll bet pp makes more effort to spend time with her daughter than many of dcum parents do. So many of you over schedule your kids because you can't handle it when they have down time.

Pp I think that sounds really nice. I wish my mom had done that with me as a teen. We do stuff like that now, but not until I was into my mid twenties or so. Now I love spending time with her, but I really could have used that time with her as a teen too.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 17:46     Subject: My teens hate me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every 4 or 5 months I feel like my DD and I aren't connected as much as we need to. I'll take her out for a drink (boba, Starbucks, whatever) and we'll talk. "What's up with Erin?" "What happened to that boy who was annoying you in math?" "Are you and Cole still friends?" These types of questions get her talking.


Ugh. That sounds terrible. My mom still asks me this kind of nosy stuff at almost 40 and it makes me not want to share anything.


Luckily my daughter and I are close enough that she would tell me if she felt like I was being intrusive rather than interested in her friends.


DP, but I had a mom whose attempts at conversation/bonding were very similar to yours, and at the risk of being too blunt, while you my think your teen would feel comfortable telling you such a thing I highly doubt it's actually the case. Most well-raised teens would know that there is simply no polite way to say such a thing without risking offending the parent (and it certainly sounds like you care enough and are a sufficiently conscientious parent to have taught your child decent manners). The power dynamics in any parent/child relationship are such that it's an incredibly risky idea to actually speak up and try to convey something like that. Would she really? Are you sure? Because my mother remained convinced that we had a "very close" relationship despite the fact that I had a literal countdown until the day I could reasonably cut off contact with her -- which I did as soon as I could except for very occasional small talk on essential holidays in order to keep peace within the family for the sake of my contact with my younger siblings.
Anonymous
Post 09/26/2017 17:10     Subject: My teens hate me.
OP they love you and when the sh*t hits the fan in a personal situation for any of them, they will be coming to you.