Big Law sucks. And it's a slow realization sometimes, and it is hard to see that before kids. BUT, I have little sympathy for anyone over the age of 28 who still falls into the golden handcuffs trap. Basically, you can't have it both ways - the great salary and an involved co-patent.

Is he a partner? Or a senior associate on partner track?

Long term - he needs to set boundaries and/or you need to move to a house you can afford on half his salary. The problem with Big Law is if you've set the expectation that you respond to emails right away, that's what clients and partners expect. If he's not specialized enough and isn't a partner, he may not be able to set these boundaries now because the clients and partners think he's fungible. But, that also means he may not be likely to make partner and will have to find a new job soon. If he's partner - he may end up making less of a draw.

Mid term - don't have another baby.

Short term - set up interviews with babysitters and tell him he can either make the time, or suck it up. You have to set boundaries too.

Big law associate (part-time, mommy tracked, but a specialist so who knows what the hell will happen) who is the primary breadwinner and still does bedtime solo at least half the week. We bought a house with a mortgage that was half the amount we were approved for and have one kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

Really? When my husband is working a ton of hours he is usually writing. When is the last time you wrote a 30 page single page brief in 2 days?? Probably not lately.

Op here. Exactly. My husband does international law and his clients are big names. At least 4 mergers that he has worked on directly have been in the news. He is definitely not “farting around”. When he is home working he is also writing like pp said. Constant writing. I’m sure there are lawyers that waste time and have that luxury.

And he is definitely not avoiding. When we actually take vacations, have the rare family time etc... he is all in. And he is a very good man and a loving husband/father. Unfortunately we just don’t have a normal amount of time together.

Anonymous wrote:I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

Lol. Trump voter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

Really? When my husband is working a ton of hours he is usually writing. When is the last time you wrote a 30 page single page brief in 2 days?? Probably not lately.

This happens all of the time. Tons of biglaw lawyers use their work to check out at home. No way is he busy all of the time.

Biglaw partner here. Your husband needs to set boundaries. Associates who don't either are, or appear, desperate.

If he can't meet potential help, that belongs to you. That part seems strange to me. Is he weird, controlling? I love (and expect) for my wife to run those kinds of things.

So move. See if your husband can make partner is some midwestern city and you can either change jobs or quit.

Otherwise stop complaining. Because those long hours are no cakewalk for him either.

Anonymous wrote:I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

Really? When my husband is working a ton of hours he is usually writing. When is the last time you wrote a 30 page single page brief in 2 days?? Probably not lately.

Anonymous wrote:I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

+1 ??

He worked more than this before kids? Did you even have time for a relationship?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sure he can get another job. But it won’t pay even half of his salary now. And we have a mortgage that is based on his current salary. Ideally in a few years we can revisit that option.
And to the pp that asked. No we have no family here at all. All are 4 hours or more away.
And to the pp that said to stop whining and “I knew what I was signing up for”. You know things always seem more manageable before kids. He actually worked even more than and it was totally fine. So yeah. The hypothetical and reality are two different things. We have been together since we were 19. Sure I knew what I was signing up for-but should I have not married the man I love because he has a demanding job? Come on.
But yeah. I’m just going to hire someone and he will have to be ok with it.

I assume you are responding to me as that quote ... I realize that life changes a lot when you have kids and nothing can really get you ready for it but seriously what did you think it would be like with kids if your DH was working 80-100 hours a week? I knew that if DH was going to be in big law that with the big paycheck came a lot of working hours. I still wanted kids so I was and am willing to do more of the work at home in order to make my DH's life easier so he doesn't have to be stressed at work and at home. But that works for us. Do what works for you.

I think lawyers are pretty much farting around all day and night driving up clients bills. No way do they have to work 14-16 hour days and all that time they're actually putting their nose to the grindstone. Your husband is making it seem like his job is so important that he can't ever be around, but it's not true. He's avoiding being a parent and a husband. Call him out or take control of your life.

How does he feel about the fact that he is an absent father and is missing out on his kids lives?

If you want him home more and he wants to be home more, than you change your lifestyle, move into a smaller home (that you can both be home to enjoy) and enjoy a simpler life.

If having a big home and looking rich is more important to you than time together as family, then suck it up and deal.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sure he can get another job. But it won’t pay even half of his salary now. And we have a mortgage that is based on his current salary. Ideally in a few years we can revisit that option.
And to the pp that asked. No we have no family here at all. All are 4 hours or more away.
And to the pp that said to stop whining and “I knew what I was signing up for”. You know things always seem more manageable before kids. He actually worked even more than and it was totally fine. So yeah. The hypothetical and reality are two different things. We have been together since we were 19. Sure I knew what I was signing up for-but should I have not married the man I love because he has a demanding job? Come on.
But yeah. I’m just going to hire someone and he will have to be ok with it.

Downsize your lives. Then he gets a new job. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

Biglaw is a deal with the devil. You pay the price.

He needs to get a new job or you need to keep cashing the paychecks and stop complaining. But he's being an ass about the babysitter.