Anonymous
09/19/2017 14:37
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
If a face to face meeting isn't possible, you must facetime. Tell your brothers YOUR mom needs assistance--money and time. Have a list of duties ready. Ask each what they can do? Do not offer to pay half. You should only pay 1/3.
I hate to throw men under the bus, but they need specific duties. It doesn't occur to them that mom needs doctors appointments, etc. If one of them doesn't have enough $$, then they should be more than willing to do more.
I hate to throw men under the bus, but they need specific duties. It doesn't occur to them that mom needs doctors appointments, etc. If one of them doesn't have enough $$, then they should be more than willing to do more.
froggymom
09/19/2017 13:58
Subject: Re:Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
You sound like a wonderful daughter. Your mom is lucky to have you. I think a phone call is always better than a letterl, but if you must do it by letter there are a few things I would change. Take out the following sentences.
" I think that the best in short..." (Demanding)
" While we can afford...," (This is not the point)
Change the second part of the sentence "I don't mind doing this...but it has become more difficult to do all these things on my own.
Change the last sentence to: I really need your help and support as mom's needs increase so she can receive the best care possible.
I will pray for your family. I hope you get the help you need.
" I think that the best in short..." (Demanding)
" While we can afford...," (This is not the point)
Change the second part of the sentence "I don't mind doing this...but it has become more difficult to do all these things on my own.
Change the last sentence to: I really need your help and support as mom's needs increase so she can receive the best care possible.
I will pray for your family. I hope you get the help you need.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:27
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Anonymous wrote:If you send a letter that is much shorter and to the point with a lot less antagonizing language.
A and B,
Mom's needs have been steadily increasing over the last few years and she needs all of us to help. Let's discuss how we can divide up the time and money items in a way that works for all of us.
And propose a time to discuss. Have a list of things that need to get covered and $.
Agree. Try to look at it as a business arrangement so it doesn't get personal/emotional.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:26
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Anonymous wrote:If you send a letter that is much shorter and to the point with a lot less antagonizing language.
A and B,
Mom's needs have been steadily increasing over the last few years and she needs all of us to help. Let's discuss how we can divide up the time and money items in a way that works for all of us.
And propose a time to discuss. Have a list of things that need to get covered and $.
+1 The idea and language need to be that they are financially helping Mom, not helping you. Use phrasing like Mom needs help, not I/we need help. Try to make it about making plans for moving forward, as hard as it is to let go of the need for regonition for all you've done on your own up to now.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:07
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
If you send a letter that is much shorter and to the point with a lot less antagonizing language.
A and B,
Mom's needs have been steadily increasing over the last few years and she needs all of us to help. Let's discuss how we can divide up the time and money items in a way that works for all of us.
And propose a time to discuss. Have a list of things that need to get covered and $.
A and B,
Mom's needs have been steadily increasing over the last few years and she needs all of us to help. Let's discuss how we can divide up the time and money items in a way that works for all of us.
And propose a time to discuss. Have a list of things that need to get covered and $.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:05
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Are you open to changing mom's care arrangements or to moving her? I would want more control if mom needs more financial resources. Sounds like she needs to move closer to one child at least.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:03
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Don't write a letter, it will only cause more conflict. Do you really think your brothers are going to change their behavior because of it? I doubt it. I know what you're going through because I have two brothers like this -- they are very self absorbed and think they're God's gift. My family pays for my elderly parents' living expenses.
I think your best bet would be to send a targeted email to each brother that's a couple sentences long: "Dear Bro, as you know I've been paying mom's living expenses and it sure adds up. Could you please pay for her monthly electric bill? It's usually $100/month. Thanks!"
Yeah - I think the advice to be less emotional and less personal just direct is good advice - thanks!
I agree with this. You should tell your brothers exactly what you help you need.
Brother, can you please visit mom in the next couple of months? She needs help with X, Y and Z.
Brother, anyway you can help out with Mom's finances? We have been paying $3000 a month for years now and its starting to add up. Could you afford to contribute $500 a month?
Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:03
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Anonymous wrote:I think your letter is not good. It is vague and not specific and does not ask for anything.
Also, for the love of god don't use unnecessary quotation marks in the first sentence. And then your second sentence could be said directly. you bet around the bush. And then you try to use guilt (you'll regret not spending time with her). It's just weak and passive and obviously the sister.
Be direct -
Hi all, We need to have a sibling talk. As mom has aged, I've taken on a lot of the tasks associated with helping her. It's been ok so far, but I need you to know what I'm doing now, and we need to discuss how we can make this equitable moving forward.
1. Mom's care costs between 1800-2000K. We've been paying this for X long, but as time goes by and this is becoming permanent, it's only fair that we split this cost. I know we have more resources right now, so I'm willing to cover half, if you two will cover 25% each. Can we discuss if this is fair? Can you contribute, and if so how much?
2. Mom needs a little more emotional support than we've been giving her. I visit her twice a year and call every three days. If we each visited twice a year, we could have someone with her every other month, if we spaced them out. Can you make this commitment? Can you call her at least once per week?
3. and then whatever else you want - for example - I take on all discussions with the doctor. There's also the maintenance on her place, the eye doctor, the foot doctor, the car (Whatever it is). Cn we divide this in a way that we each have shared responsibility?
If we talk to each other on a regular basis, I'm sure we can stay on top of it. Let's have a conversation this weekend - I'll set up a three way call. Thanks, Sister.
Op here. Thanks! Great approach. Usually I write better than this, but I guess it's a hard topic for me. Appreciate your taking the time to provide a great template.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:59
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
I think your letter is not good. It is vague and not specific and does not ask for anything.
Also, for the love of god don't use unnecessary quotation marks in the first sentence. And then your second sentence could be said directly. you bet around the bush. And then you try to use guilt (you'll regret not spending time with her). It's just weak and passive and obviously the sister.
Be direct -
Hi all, We need to have a sibling talk. As mom has aged, I've taken on a lot of the tasks associated with helping her. It's been ok so far, but I need you to know what I'm doing now, and we need to discuss how we can make this equitable moving forward.
1. Mom's care costs between 1800-2000K. We've been paying this for X long, but as time goes by and this is becoming permanent, it's only fair that we split this cost. I know we have more resources right now, so I'm willing to cover half, if you two will cover 25% each. Can we discuss if this is fair? Can you contribute, and if so how much?
2. Mom needs a little more emotional support than we've been giving her. I visit her twice a year and call every three days. If we each visited twice a year, we could have someone with her every other month, if we spaced them out. Can you make this commitment? Can you call her at least once per week?
3. and then whatever else you want - for example - I take on all discussions with the doctor. There's also the maintenance on her place, the eye doctor, the foot doctor, the car (Whatever it is). Cn we divide this in a way that we each have shared responsibility?
If we talk to each other on a regular basis, I'm sure we can stay on top of it. Let's have a conversation this weekend - I'll set up a three way call. Thanks, Sister.
Also, for the love of god don't use unnecessary quotation marks in the first sentence. And then your second sentence could be said directly. you bet around the bush. And then you try to use guilt (you'll regret not spending time with her). It's just weak and passive and obviously the sister.
Be direct -
Hi all, We need to have a sibling talk. As mom has aged, I've taken on a lot of the tasks associated with helping her. It's been ok so far, but I need you to know what I'm doing now, and we need to discuss how we can make this equitable moving forward.
1. Mom's care costs between 1800-2000K. We've been paying this for X long, but as time goes by and this is becoming permanent, it's only fair that we split this cost. I know we have more resources right now, so I'm willing to cover half, if you two will cover 25% each. Can we discuss if this is fair? Can you contribute, and if so how much?
2. Mom needs a little more emotional support than we've been giving her. I visit her twice a year and call every three days. If we each visited twice a year, we could have someone with her every other month, if we spaced them out. Can you make this commitment? Can you call her at least once per week?
3. and then whatever else you want - for example - I take on all discussions with the doctor. There's also the maintenance on her place, the eye doctor, the foot doctor, the car (Whatever it is). Cn we divide this in a way that we each have shared responsibility?
If we talk to each other on a regular basis, I'm sure we can stay on top of it. Let's have a conversation this weekend - I'll set up a three way call. Thanks, Sister.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:57
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Sadly, all too often, caring for parents always falls to daughter. I would ask for a video conference to discuss and let them know that you need their help. Unfortunately, if their wives are not willing, you won't get much help.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:54
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Anonymous wrote:Don't write a letter, it will only cause more conflict. Do you really think your brothers are going to change their behavior because of it? I doubt it. I know what you're going through because I have two brothers like this -- they are very self absorbed and think they're God's gift. My family pays for my elderly parents' living expenses.
I think your best bet would be to send a targeted email to each brother that's a couple sentences long: "Dear Bro, as you know I've been paying mom's living expenses and it sure adds up. Could you please pay for her monthly electric bill? It's usually $100/month. Thanks!"
Yeah - I think the advice to be less emotional and less personal just direct is good advice - thanks!
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:45
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Don't write a letter, it will only cause more conflict. Do you really think your brothers are going to change their behavior because of it? I doubt it. I know what you're going through because I have two brothers like this -- they are very self absorbed and think they're God's gift. My family pays for my elderly parents' living expenses.
I think your best bet would be to send a targeted email to each brother that's a couple sentences long: "Dear Bro, as you know I've been paying mom's living expenses and it sure adds up. Could you please pay for her monthly electric bill? It's usually $100/month. Thanks!"
I think your best bet would be to send a targeted email to each brother that's a couple sentences long: "Dear Bro, as you know I've been paying mom's living expenses and it sure adds up. Could you please pay for her monthly electric bill? It's usually $100/month. Thanks!"
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:40
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
Anonymous wrote:How was it growing up in your family, OP? I am also the only daughter with two brothers (mine are younger.)
Growing up, my parents blatantly favored my brothers, especially the youngest. Things like they got their college fully paid for, I didn't (they both went to private universities out of state, I went to a state school, so it wasn't money.) My mom even told me that she was intentionally harder on me because "the world is harder on women and I want you to get used to it."
I won't get into all the details and examples, but MUCH more major favoritism in adulthood as well.
To be honest, because of that, when she gets to the point she needs help--my brother can help her if he wants, but I won't. And if my brother wrote me a letter like the one you wrote, I'd tell him to go to hell.
So I guess my question to you would be, can you honestly say that your mom treated you all equally growing up? Maybe your brothers harbor some resentment because they perceived you to be a favored child? Or maybe I'm just projecting.
I'm sorry you went through that. Ironically, it's almost the opposite. My dad was an alcoholic and by the time I was in middle school and my brothers were long gone- in graduate school or married- things completely fell apart. They lost their home, my dad was arrrested, etc. I started working at 14 and got a full ride to an excellent college. I have always played the role of taking care of my parents in one way or another. To your point, I'm sure all of those patterns are under all of this. To be fair both of our respective childhoods were rough, just in different ways.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:04
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
How was it growing up in your family, OP? I am also the only daughter with two brothers (mine are younger.)
Growing up, my parents blatantly favored my brothers, especially the youngest. Things like they got their college fully paid for, I didn't (they both went to private universities out of state, I went to a state school, so it wasn't money.) My mom even told me that she was intentionally harder on me because "the world is harder on women and I want you to get used to it."
I won't get into all the details and examples, but MUCH more major favoritism in adulthood as well.
To be honest, because of that, when she gets to the point she needs help--my brother can help her if he wants, but I won't. And if my brother wrote me a letter like the one you wrote, I'd tell him to go to hell.
So I guess my question to you would be, can you honestly say that your mom treated you all equally growing up? Maybe your brothers harbor some resentment because they perceived you to be a favored child? Or maybe I'm just projecting.
Growing up, my parents blatantly favored my brothers, especially the youngest. Things like they got their college fully paid for, I didn't (they both went to private universities out of state, I went to a state school, so it wasn't money.) My mom even told me that she was intentionally harder on me because "the world is harder on women and I want you to get used to it."
I won't get into all the details and examples, but MUCH more major favoritism in adulthood as well.
To be honest, because of that, when she gets to the point she needs help--my brother can help her if he wants, but I won't. And if my brother wrote me a letter like the one you wrote, I'd tell him to go to hell.
So I guess my question to you would be, can you honestly say that your mom treated you all equally growing up? Maybe your brothers harbor some resentment because they perceived you to be a favored child? Or maybe I'm just projecting.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 09:29
Subject: Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom
I would call, don't send a letter.