Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adultery, Abuse or Addiction are marriage-ending

Not necessarily. Between me and my spouse, one of us is an alcoholic and one of us is an adulterer, yet we are still married.

So does your drunkard H know about your AP?

Too busy drinking to care. Would rather drink than have sex, so even if he does know, he's probably relieved.

When it started to involve the kids. I dealt with XDH's ADHD and general chaos with few complaints. But XDH was extremely insecure, was incredibly threatened by older DC's academic success (refused to pay for the Ivy although he said he'd pay for an out of state university that cost about the same) and tried his hardest to manipulate younger DC into bombing high school to become the musician XDH always wanted to be. We're talking: telling DC not to bother studying for a class DC had a D in, making DC move mattresses the 2 nights before an AP test, refusing to pay for DC's ACT prep, and so on. When I called DH out on this, he moved out 2 weeks later. Then XDH tried to set up a bachelor pad, bought DC a car and more musical equipment, and told DC they could be roommates with no rules. Guess what, DC was given a choice of whom to live with for the rest of high school and chose me. Anyway, that's a long way of saying that irresponsible, enabling, codependent parenting is a deal-breaker for me and I would have left if XDH didn't leave first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adultery, Abuse or Addiction are marriage-ending

Sexless marriage would be worse marriage-ending than adultery

Not you again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go to couples counseling. Maybe it could help you reset and get past this. Even if you're right and the marriage is over, it could help you get some perspective on things and improve your relationship enough to co-parent in a functional way after you get divorced.

This. Find a therapist experienced in couples therapy.

Take the energy you've been burning on stewing and fretting for months now and plow it into therapy. If DH refuses to go, tell him that refusal is equivalent to saying he has zero desire to even attempt to explore salvaging the marriage. Then get therapy on your own, immediately, at the same time you start lawyer-hunting.

This is good advice. The fact that you are still there tells me it wasn't marriage ending--just very hurtful. If your husband won't go, that is a real problem, but you should definitely talk to a professional about this.

Anonymous wrote:On my son's birthday, in NYC, ex grabbed our preschooler's hand and refused to carry any of the gear up the subway stairs. I have a mobility disorder. I asked him to help carry the heavy bags. He said no, took our child, and left me there at the bottom of two flights of stairs. This was after a long day and I was exhausted. I called the divorce lawyer when I returned home.

What preceded this? Surely you two had been fighting all day or all trip?

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of marriages end without divorce or separation.


I am in one of those. For several reasons, including children, money, and health, the paperwork still says we are married. We can all find ways of being happy while in a disappointing (to say the least) relationship. It's not the way our conflict and closure-hungry society would want us to behave (divorce! now! spend all your money on two households and whine about how your ex treats your kids), but it's sometimes the most reasonable way.

So I commend you for taking the time to think through it. You can never take too much time as long as it's not a situation of abuse.

This is so fascinating to me, PP. Would you mind sharing a bit more about your story and how you ended up like this?

Plenty of marriages end without divorce or separation.


I am in one of those. For several reasons, including children, money, and health, the paperwork still says we are married. We can all find ways of being happy while in a disappointing (to say the least) relationship. It's not the way our conflict and closure-hungry society would want us to behave (divorce! now! spend all your money on two households and whine about how your ex treats your kids), but it's sometimes the most reasonable way.

So I commend you for taking the time to think through it. You can never take too much time as long as it's not a situation of abuse.

Anonymous wrote:I would go to couples counseling. Maybe it could help you reset and get past this. Even if you're right and the marriage is over, it could help you get some perspective on things and improve your relationship enough to co-parent in a functional way after you get divorced.

This. Find a therapist experienced in couples therapy.

Take the energy you've been burning on stewing and fretting for months now and plow it into therapy. If DH refuses to go, tell him that refusal is equivalent to saying he has zero desire to even attempt to explore salvaging the marriage. Then get therapy on your own, immediately, at the same time you start lawyer-hunting.

Get to a therapist. Read Hold Me Tight.

Sorry for your challenges. Not sure about the details or the circumstances so it is hard to comment in too much depth. If there is no abuse, you might want to strongly consider marriage counseling. There are precious children involved and you want to know you tried to save your marriage for all of you. A counselor may be able to guide you through the issues and give you both tools to start to work things out. If two months have gone by, you probably need intervention with a third party. If you belong to a church, you might want to speak to your pastor. Don't give up on yourselves. Never forget what brought you together and why you have remained together. A marriage is worth fighting for. If the problems are serious and cannot be worked out, at least a third party will help you both do that with the least amount of damaging impact to your children...and perhaps yourselves. I wish you the best and hope that restoration is possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adultery, Abuse or Addiction are marriage-ending

Not necessarily. Between me and my spouse, one of us is an alcoholic and one of us is an adulterer, yet we are still married.

So does your drunkard H know about your AP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adultery, Abuse or Addiction are marriage-ending

Not necessarily. Between me and my spouse, one of us is an alcoholic and one of us is an adulterer, yet we are still married.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some can make it work. Or, "work" as it may be.

But for a lot of people, those are the big three.

DH & I discussed before marriage what were dealbreakers. I can't remember his, but I clearly remember mine, and it was one of the big three. But just one of them.

Anonymous wrote:Adultery, Abuse or Addiction are marriage-ending

Not necessarily. Between me and my spouse, one of us is an alcoholic and one of us is an adulterer, yet we are still married.

Stop fighting and do whatever you need or want to do in preparation for divorce.

Anonymous wrote:When someone mis-remembers the past (I was forced into marriage. Really, by gun point!?!) they are usually having an affair.

+1000 that is what I was going to say.