Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:46
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.
This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!
When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!
O-F-F-E-R to help. Just showing up with a lasagna is taking over. Asking if they would like you to is helpful.
See how that works?
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:44
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.
This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!
When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!
Stop the martyr routine. "I'd love to come over! If it would be helpful, I'd be glad to bring chili and corn bread, or pick up Chinese."
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:40
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.
This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!
When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!
OP, why can't you suggest that you come over early one day and bring take out and hang out with the kids. Maybe even offer that you stay with the kids so your son and DIL can get out of the house for an impromptu date night. Make it easy for them.
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:37
Subject: Re:Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
How often do you offer to babysit your grandchildren? This is the time of year that parents need babysitters for back to school night and busy parents could use a break on the weekends sometimes.
It's not fair to complain about DIL spending more time with her own parents. Most people are closer to their own parents than their spouse's parents. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you, but her mom is her mom, you know? I'm sure you visited your own mom more than your MIL. I get along very well with my MIL and I do make a point of spending time with her even when Dh is working, but honestly, I spend more time with my parents because I'm closer to the people who raised me.
It's not fair to complain about DIL spending more time with her own parents. Most people are closer to their own parents than their spouse's parents. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you, but her mom is her mom, you know? I'm sure you visited your own mom more than your MIL. I get along very well with my MIL and I do make a point of spending time with her even when Dh is working, but honestly, I spend more time with my parents because I'm closer to the people who raised me.
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:37
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.
This is OP. They are inviting me to dinner! I don't bring food because I'm invited. If I said I brought food you all would tell me to not take over. MIL can't win!
When I invite them to my home for dinner, I don't expect them to think that means they bring the dinner!
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:34
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
Maybe, at a quiet time, sit your DIL down and ask how to make the visits easier on her and what you can do to avoid messing up the routine. You probably are messing up the routine.
I get pissy too when my weeknight gets screwed up with entertaining.
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:34
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
So stop acting like a special guest star and BRING food over. Either make a lasagna and bring it with you, or pick up some take out on your way to their house! Be a HELPER instead of Queen Mother.
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:32
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
I thought they were inviting you???
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:32
Subject: Re:Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:This is what I do with my elementary-aged grandkids:
1. I do NOT attempt to see them on weekends because they are busy and they need family time together. Their whole family also needs DOWNTIME. They do not need any more driving time to come see me. Period. (If I get an invitation for something, that's fine. But I don't ask).
2. On the same weekday every week, usually Wednesday but it can change from school year to school year, I pick the kids up after school. They spend the night and I take them to school the next morning. They have clothes at my house that I have bought for this. They do not schlepp clothes to school and they do not have to pack and unpack to go to Grandmas. I pack lunches with them when I take them to school the next day. I have food they like in the house.
3. If there is a weekday that I can't keep them overnight for some reason, then I pick them up after school and we go to their favorite cafe for a snack and hot chocolate, they do their homework in the cafe, and I drop them at home. (The homework part is much appreciated by their parents. I keep pencils, rulers, and homework supplies in my car).
4. I go to all their events and games and things WHEN INVITED. I don't put mental energy into worrying if I am invited or not. I take them to the dentist, when asked. All sorts of little errands like that. The kids talk to me in the car about all sorts of stuff. I know who their friends are and their friends say hi to me at school because I do that weekly pickup. I do not chaperone school events or volunteer in the classrooms because I have other commitments during the day.
I make this grandparenting thing as easy on the parents and kids as possible. No drama and no agenda. I keep things easy-going and don't overthink it. The day will come when I will be in a nursing home and can't do all this stuff with and for them. Then they will be coming to me and helping me. I am positive about that given the relationship we have. There are certain seasons for caregiving and certain seasons for care receiving. The circle of life.
Can you be my mom? I bet you would be awesome in a crisis (i.e. spouse gets cancer and caregiving spouse needs help from a parent who can get the kids to school rested, on time, with homework done and well fed). Please be my mom!
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:30
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
This is OP and I'm first to admit I can be irrationally upset. I feel like when I go school week days, that my being there is an intrusion. I can tell my DIL maybe mad because she either has to cook more or fancier food because I'm there or order out. Everyone is rushed and I can tell I'm messing up the routine. It's uncomfortable. Nobody makes me feel welcome.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
My son works some Saturdays so I know DIL makes time for her parents and family. I wish she would consider me.
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:30
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:You can see your grandchildren more. You CHOOSE not to because you don't like to drive there. You really should re-title your post to "Help me figure out how to get my son and wife to bring my grandkids to me when I want to see them on the weekends!"
No one is denying you any time.
How about talking with son about you joining them at soccer games or weekend events?
Yup.
I don't know how old these kids are, but once kids enter grade school, they start to have lives of their own.
If you are choosing not to respect that, then you are grandparenting in a way that will leave you increasingly outside of the lives of your grandkids. You really should go to the scheduled weekend events.
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:29
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
You only have to worry about yourself. If you want to see them, accept the invite to dinner at their place, drive early to avoid the traffic, then see a movie or go shopping in their area to kill the time. Or offer to arrive early and prepare the dinner so your son/DIL don't have to cook.
If you just expect to be "the guest" and not lift a finger to help, too bad for you.
If you just expect to be "the guest" and not lift a finger to help, too bad for you.
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:26
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Leave before rush hour during the week so it doesn't take so long. My parents live an hour away and will gladly coke over at 5 and leave at 8 to spend 3 hours with their grandkids. Bonus sometimes they let themselves in earlier and make dinner. It's a working parents dream come true to come home to grandparents and a meal!! I catch up with my parents over dinner and then they play with the kids. My husband and I can catch up on laundry or other household chores.
Weekends are busy. When you work during the week that's your only time to get everything done plus kid activities, bday partys and trying to get some family time. I'm not too close with my mother in law that me & the kids would hang with her without my husband around. However if she offered to watch them for an hour or two so I could go grocery shopping or run an errand I would jump on that. Lots of good suggestions on this thread I think!
Weekends are busy. When you work during the week that's your only time to get everything done plus kid activities, bday partys and trying to get some family time. I'm not too close with my mother in law that me & the kids would hang with her without my husband around. However if she offered to watch them for an hour or two so I could go grocery shopping or run an errand I would jump on that. Lots of good suggestions on this thread I think!
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:19
Subject: Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
Anonymous wrote:You can see your grandchildren more. You CHOOSE not to because you don't like to drive there. You really should re-title your post to "Help me figure out how to get my son and wife to bring my grandkids to me when I want to see them on the weekends!"
No one is denying you any time.
How about talking with son about you joining them at soccer games or weekend events?
+1
Anonymous
09/10/2017 14:18
Subject: Re:Help me figure out how to see my grandkids more often!
This is what I do with my elementary-aged grandkids:
1. I do NOT attempt to see them on weekends because they are busy and they need family time together. Their whole family also needs DOWNTIME. They do not need any more driving time to come see me. Period. (If I get an invitation for something, that's fine. But I don't ask).
2. On the same weekday every week, usually Wednesday but it can change from school year to school year, I pick the kids up after school. They spend the night and I take them to school the next morning. They have clothes at my house that I have bought for this. They do not schlepp clothes to school and they do not have to pack and unpack to go to Grandmas. I pack lunches with them when I take them to school the next day. I have food they like in the house.
3. If there is a weekday that I can't keep them overnight for some reason, then I pick them up after school and we go to their favorite cafe for a snack and hot chocolate, they do their homework in the cafe, and I drop them at home. (The homework part is much appreciated by their parents. I keep pencils, rulers, and homework supplies in my car).
4. I go to all their events and games and things WHEN INVITED. I don't put mental energy into worrying if I am invited or not. I take them to the dentist, when asked. All sorts of little errands like that. The kids talk to me in the car about all sorts of stuff. I know who their friends are and their friends say hi to me at school because I do that weekly pickup. I do not chaperone school events or volunteer in the classrooms because I have other commitments during the day.
I make this grandparenting thing as easy on the parents and kids as possible. No drama and no agenda. I keep things easy-going and don't overthink it. The day will come when I will be in a nursing home and can't do all this stuff with and for them. Then they will be coming to me and helping me. I am positive about that given the relationship we have. There are certain seasons for caregiving and certain seasons for care receiving. The circle of life.
1. I do NOT attempt to see them on weekends because they are busy and they need family time together. Their whole family also needs DOWNTIME. They do not need any more driving time to come see me. Period. (If I get an invitation for something, that's fine. But I don't ask).
2. On the same weekday every week, usually Wednesday but it can change from school year to school year, I pick the kids up after school. They spend the night and I take them to school the next morning. They have clothes at my house that I have bought for this. They do not schlepp clothes to school and they do not have to pack and unpack to go to Grandmas. I pack lunches with them when I take them to school the next day. I have food they like in the house.
3. If there is a weekday that I can't keep them overnight for some reason, then I pick them up after school and we go to their favorite cafe for a snack and hot chocolate, they do their homework in the cafe, and I drop them at home. (The homework part is much appreciated by their parents. I keep pencils, rulers, and homework supplies in my car).
4. I go to all their events and games and things WHEN INVITED. I don't put mental energy into worrying if I am invited or not. I take them to the dentist, when asked. All sorts of little errands like that. The kids talk to me in the car about all sorts of stuff. I know who their friends are and their friends say hi to me at school because I do that weekly pickup. I do not chaperone school events or volunteer in the classrooms because I have other commitments during the day.
I make this grandparenting thing as easy on the parents and kids as possible. No drama and no agenda. I keep things easy-going and don't overthink it. The day will come when I will be in a nursing home and can't do all this stuff with and for them. Then they will be coming to me and helping me. I am positive about that given the relationship we have. There are certain seasons for caregiving and certain seasons for care receiving. The circle of life.