Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the boys who are trying to be cool use bad language. My DS doesn't, but he also doesn't point out to the other kids that they are doing something wrong. I saw a big divide in the boys in MS -- the "cool kids" started swearing, "dating" girls, and blowing off school work. My DS decided that wasn't his scene and found a new group of friends.

Jeez. Judge much...

I'm not sure how this is judgmental...it's a fact that the boys who are doing this are trying to be cool/test limits. For what it's worth, I swear a lot...always have. My son doesn't, however, especially at school where teachers might hear, which he thinks would be disrespectful. And how is it judgmental for a kid to decide that he wants to change his friend group because his old friends are doing things (e.g., swearing, blowing off schools, etc.) that he doesn't feel comfortable with? Instead, that seems like the mature decision rather than changing who you are just to fit in, right?

Just wanted to point out to all the PPs saying that "boys curse more than girls"... you clearly don't know many middle school girls. Most of them - not all, but most - curse a blue streak amongst themselves and on group texts. The boys aren't the only ones cursing, by a long shot.

Here's the thing. Your child won't be singled out for not cursing. He may be if he calls others out for choosing to curse. If he lets it slide and doesn't say anything while choosing not to curse himself, he'll be totally fine. Don't worry too much about it otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm sorry, if you use low class trashy curse words all the time, I'm judging you.

Have at it. I'm willing to bet PP doesn't care what you think or do.

You bet right! No worries: I'll judge you right back. #sorrynotsorry

Also, this: https://qz.com/881289/a-new-study-linking-profanity-to-honesty-shows-people-who-curse-are-more-authentic/

I don't know how much stock I put in all that, but for me personally, cursing is just neither here nor there. Words are tools, they should be used judiciously and with intention. Sometimes that means cursing, sometimes it doesn't, IMO. YMMV. Time and Place.

I will say that I don't know that cursing is explicitly about coolness in any way -- although maybe some kids think so -- but I'll bet someone somewhere has done some cool research about taboo language and social bonds. I'd wonder if there weren't something to breaking those taboos together that makes kids feel like they're in a little trust circle, and strengthens social bonds in that way.

To the extent that is true, I'd rather my kids break meaningless or indiscriminate (read: f-word) taboos than use cruel or divisive language, for example (r-word, n-word, etc.) That kind of vulgarity is a whole different can of "bad words" in my book.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I have been a college coach and our team had a specific no cursing rule which was enforced as much as the no skipping class and no skipping practice rules. If I was recruiting and I overheard your child using profanity and especially using it during a game or practice, I would cross them off my list. If they already made it on my team, they would be punished for it. Once you start doing it, it becomes a habit and it's terrible. Would you curse during a job interview? Would you curse if you knew there was someone around who could influence your future? Because that's the risk you take. You don't know who is around, and you aren't always able to keep it from slipping. I just think it is a terrible habit to get into. But, some parents are more concerned with being the cool mom who allows the f-bomb, I suppose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm sorry, if you use low class trashy curse words all the time, I'm judging you.

Have at it. I'm willing to bet PP doesn't care what you think or do.

You bet right! No worries: I'll judge you right back. #sorrynotsorry

Also, this: https://qz.com/881289/a-new-study-linking-profanity-to-honesty-shows-people-who-curse-are-more-authentic/

I don't know how much stock I put in all that, but for me personally, cursing is just neither here nor there. Words are tools, they should be used judiciously and with intention. Sometimes that means cursing, sometimes it doesn't, IMO. YMMV. Time and Place.

I will say that I don't know that cursing is explicitly about coolness in any way -- although maybe some kids think so -- but I'll bet someone somewhere has done some cool research about taboo language and social bonds. I'd wonder if there weren't something to breaking those taboos together that makes kids feel like they're in a little trust circle, and strengthens social bonds in that way.

To the extent that is true, I'd rather my kids break meaningless or indiscriminate (read: f-word) taboos than use cruel or divisive language, for example (r-word, n-word, etc.) That kind of vulgarity is a whole different can of "bad words" in my book.

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are completely missing the point of OP's question. Her son is not neurotypical. She is trying to help his figure out and handle middle school social life while minimizing the bullying and not-fitting-in part.

We get it and support her son not going out of his nature to "fit in". There is no "fitting in" nowadays anyway. Plenty of groups of like-minded kids everywhere. The ones who think they're popular are deluding themselves.

Actually, the kids don't have a problem. It's the parents who agonize over this stuff.

- from an uncool family where only one member is neurotypical.

Bad language is developmentally normal at that age, and indeed started in earnest in late elementary school.

Your child does NOT have to use it to "be cool".

As Sheldon Cooper, the high-IQ Aspie scientist in Big Bang Theory says so well, "turns out you can be hurt people just as well without it!". As indeed he does

So relax. My atypical 12 year old also thinks swearing is bad. We are geek people and proud of it!

My 6th grader is tired of the kid who has an assigned seat next to her repeatedly dropping F bombs. She said he doesn't have one sentence without it. She may be exaggerating, but she has older teenage brothers, so I think its the frequency and not the word itself. I think she will eventually snap at him, once they both are comfortable.

Also assigned sitting is BS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids cuss a blue streak and I'm fine with it. As Clarence Darrow's character says in Inherit the Wind, "Language is a poor enough means of communication. We've got to use all the words we've got. Besides, there are damn few words anybody understands."

I'd hope that, generally speaking, unless my children are being unkind or offensive or cruel, that others would mind their own business and not fuss about an f-bomb. My middle schooler would certainly be unfazed by such language. As would my 4th grader, frankly.

Anonymous wrote: I plan to just have him ignore the bad words and not point it out to others. He seems to have gotten it already. Funny that he still see's it at taboo. I do enjoy him still being so innocent though

This strikes me as good practice. I think learning when to say something and when to mind your own business is a lifelong challenge. (I'm looking at you, DCUMs.) I try to teach my kids to draw the line at preventing imminent harm to others -- but it is never their business to judge others, and they are not the school police (or judges or jury.)

Good for you for helping your child navigate this stuff so gracefully, neurotypical or no. Knowing what to ignore and when to speak up is challenging, and these are just the right questions for any middle schoolers to be confronting at this age! Good luck!

I'm sorry, if you use low class trashy curse words all the time, I'm judging you.

Have at it. I'm willing to bet PP doesn't care what you think or do.

Anonymous wrote:My kids cuss a blue streak and I'm fine with it. As Clarence Darrow's character says in Inherit the Wind, "Language is a poor enough means of communication. We've got to use all the words we've got. Besides, there are damn few words anybody understands."

I'd hope that, generally speaking, unless my children are being unkind or offensive or cruel, that others would mind their own business and not fuss about an f-bomb. My middle schooler would certainly be unfazed by such language. As would my 4th grader, frankly.

Anonymous wrote: I plan to just have him ignore the bad words and not point it out to others. He seems to have gotten it already. Funny that he still see's it at taboo. I do enjoy him still being so innocent though

This strikes me as good practice. I think learning when to say something and when to mind your own business is a lifelong challenge. (I'm looking at you, DCUMs.) I try to teach my kids to draw the line at preventing imminent harm to others -- but it is never their business to judge others, and they are not the school police (or judges or jury.)

Good for you for helping your child navigate this stuff so gracefully, neurotypical or no. Knowing what to ignore and when to speak up is challenging, and these are just the right questions for any middle schoolers to be confronting at this age! Good luck!

I'm sorry, if you use low class trashy curse words all the time, I'm judging you.

Anonymous wrote:My middle schooler knows better than to cuss in front of me but I'm sure he probably does around his friends.

+1

My kids have never used it in front of teachers, authority figures, us---but I am sure they do amongst friends.

My kids cuss a blue streak and I'm fine with it. As Clarence Darrow's character says in Inherit the Wind, "Language is a poor enough means of communication. We've got to use all the words we've got. Besides, there are damn few words anybody understands."

I'd hope that, generally speaking, unless my children are being unkind or offensive or cruel, that others would mind their own business and not fuss about an f-bomb. My middle schooler would certainly be unfazed by such language. As would my 4th grader, frankly.

Anonymous wrote: I plan to just have him ignore the bad words and not point it out to others. He seems to have gotten it already. Funny that he still see's it at taboo. I do enjoy him still being so innocent though

This strikes me as good practice. I think learning when to say something and when to mind your own business is a lifelong challenge. (I'm looking at you, DCUMs.) I try to teach my kids to draw the line at preventing imminent harm to others -- but it is never their business to judge others, and they are not the school police (or judges or jury.)

Good for you for helping your child navigate this stuff so gracefully, neurotypical or no. Knowing what to ignore and when to speak up is challenging, and these are just the right questions for any middle schoolers to be confronting at this age! Good luck!

Personally I was always a goody-two-shoes who almost never used curse words even through high school. It depends on his friends. My friends were all like me--one of them was embarrassed to even read aloud a line from a book where the person used "hell." So, I wasn't around girls who used bad language so I didn't care much about whether people thought I was cool or not. I know boys tend to curse more but I think the same concept applies.

My parents still had rules about it. I wasn't to use foul language. It's low class and makes you look bad. My parents found a note between me and someone else where a curse word was used and I got in trouble over it. I don't think this is a bad thing and I'm glad my parents enforced rules about it. The way you speak is important in life. You never know who's around you and will hear you talk. Even in sports, if you get in the habit of using curse words, it's so easy to let one fly in the moment when you screw up or something, and some leagues have rules about it where you'll get in trouble. It also looks bad to coaches. If your child is getting scouted, it's not going to look good in front of college coaches.

So, it's OK to have rules about it. If other kids make fun of him who cares? They're the ones who look like Neanderthals with their foul mouths.

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are completely missing the point of OP's question. Her son is not neurotypical. She is trying to help his figure out and handle middle school social life while minimizing the bullying and not-fitting-in part.

Yes that is what I was trying to do. The suggestions have been helpful. I plan to just have him ignore the bad words and not point it out to others. He seems to have gotten it already. Funny that he still see's it at taboo. I do enjoy him still being so innocent though

Some of you are completely missing the point of OP's question. Her son is not neurotypical. She is trying to help his figure out and handle middle school social life while minimizing the bullying and not-fitting-in part.