Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 17:43     Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm remarried to a man with adult children, and I expect that they will be nice to my elementary-aged son and I during the holidays and when we visit them. But we stay at a hotel so as not to impose on them. If they asked that my son not come for visits, I wouldn't go any more either. What DH did would be up to him but if it resulted in us repeatedly spending multiple holidays apart, we probably wouldn't work out as a family. That being said, I think there's probably a compromise you can reach - e.g. not having them stay with you, not having them come more than one holiday a year.


Do you realize that your situation is nothing like OPs? Her father's wife does not have small children. Her children are adults with their own kids. In 20 years, your adult step-children may may be OP's situation is you insist on bringing your adult child and your grandchildren to visit your husband's adult child.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 17:22     Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm remarried to a man with adult children, and I expect that they will be nice to my elementary-aged son and I during the holidays and when we visit them. But we stay at a hotel so as not to impose on them. If they asked that my son not come for visits, I wouldn't go any more either. What DH did would be up to him but if it resulted in us repeatedly spending multiple holidays apart, we probably wouldn't work out as a family. That being said, I think there's probably a compromise you can reach - e.g. not having them stay with you, not having them come more than one holiday a year.


I think the difference here is you're talking about your elementary aged son. I would never ask a mom to leave her young kiddo for my convenience. In this case I'm referring to my father's wife's adult daughter and elementary aged children (my dad's step grandchildren). I don't get why they need to come.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 17:20     Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:My father is on his third marriage to a woman with two grown children and two elementary aged schoolchildren. They live 5 hours away from me, DH, and DD. I am not interested in building a relationship with these children and playing along with the charade that his step grandchildren are my nieces. My dad, stepmom, stepmom's adult daughter, and two school aged children keep wanting to visit and I can't possibly explain how much I hate these visits. Over the last two years we have had 4-5 visits with them. I just want to see my dad and I want him to spend time with my 1 year old DD. Why must these other people who I have known for only a couple years always be included? These kids are astonishingly spoiled and when they visit they expect to be entertained continuously and take all the attention away from my DD. Me and DH both work full time, DH is in school full time, and our weekend time together as a family is incredibly sacred. I don't want to spend what little time I have with DH and DD with these strangers who are important to my dad but of zero interest to me. How can I possibly explain that without coming across like a total jerk?


If you can't see the irony here, there's really no hope for you. Oh, no, they take attention away from a 1 yo? Whatever will she do is she isn't the center of attention?
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 17:15     Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Well, I'm remarried to a man with adult children, and I expect that they will be nice to my elementary-aged son and I during the holidays and when we visit them. But we stay at a hotel so as not to impose on them. If they asked that my son not come for visits, I wouldn't go any more either. What DH did would be up to him but if it resulted in us repeatedly spending multiple holidays apart, we probably wouldn't work out as a family. That being said, I think there's probably a compromise you can reach - e.g. not having them stay with you, not having them come more than one holiday a year.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 17:02     Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. So your dad is married to a woman with school aged children? So your dad has stepkids who are school aged? Or his step-grandkids are the ones who are school aged?


I'm sorry. My dad is in his 60s. New wife is his age. She has two adult children (late 20s) and two grandkids (age 9 and 12).


Got it. Do her adult kids live w/them? Why are they being drug along?



Op here, ding ding ding. That's the question! I don't know why they all have to come. I haven't invited them and don't want to build a relationship with anyone but my dad and his wife. But they keep asking over and over again. One adult child lives with them, along with the grandkids. Her kids aren't very grown up or successful so need to live with her and my dad for some reason.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 17:01     Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:"Hi, Dad. We'd love to have you and Larla come spend time with us, but it's not going to work for us to have Larla's daughter and grandkids come at the same time. Here are three weekends that work for us--do any of them sound good to you and Larla?"


I agree. I don't blame you for not wanting to host the daughter and her kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:59     Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. So your dad is married to a woman with school aged children? So your dad has stepkids who are school aged? Or his step-grandkids are the ones who are school aged?


I'm sorry. My dad is in his 60s. New wife is his age. She has two adult children (late 20s) and two grandkids (age 9 and 12).


Got it. Do her adult kids live w/them? Why are they being drug along?
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:58     Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. So your dad is married to a woman with school aged children? So your dad has stepkids who are school aged? Or his step-grandkids are the ones who are school aged?


I'm sorry. My dad is in his 60s. New wife is his age. She has two adult children (late 20s) and two grandkids (age 9 and 12).
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:57     Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:There is no positive spin that you can put on it. Once every six months you are expected to be nice to your father's family and you can't manage that without resentment. I think it is time to stop the visits all together.


Op here. I think part of the problem is they live 5 hours away. I have no problem being friendly. If we were in the same town I'd see them now and then and just be warm. I don't like having them in my home, cooking multiple meals, cleaning up after them, and having to go do a bunch of group activities together. I hate everything about this. I put on a happy face and suck it up and do it, but I think of all that as more than just being friendly to the new family.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:54     Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
I'm confused. So your dad is married to a woman with school aged children? So your dad has stepkids who are school aged? Or his step-grandkids are the ones who are school aged?
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:50     Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
I don't think you have to do anything. My dad married when I was 30 (he eloped 3 weeks before I got married and didn't invite my or my sisters to the wedding). His wife is perfectly nice, and has two adult daughters, but I dont' really consider them my family. I'll visit when I'm in town, but he has only visited me (and my two little kids) 3 times in 15 years, so you know. Just do what works for your family.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:50     Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Do you always have to host? Can you not just meet them in a neutral location?


We've gone to visit them (well really to visit my dad but they all live in his house) a couple times but meeting up is not really an option. They don't have money for hotels and activities and we aren't paying for them.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:48     Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for a visit from just your dad. With or without the new wife (a little awkward requesting to keep his wife out of the picture, I don't think it's a good idea to exclude her). But why the daughter and grandchildren?
Most grandparents are willing to spend time with one set of grandchildren at a time. "Building the relationship" between you and new step daughter and step kids should not be the focus. I agree with OP that it sounds like somewhat of a charade.



Yes! Op here. I totally get that his wife is part of the deal and I accept that. The issue is them constantly making the focus on this weird fake family. They make a big thing about us all hanging out together and my DD and her grandkids being cousins and all of us building bridges. It feels absurd and fake to me, especially since these kids are so far apart in age. My dad does come visit on his own now and then, but even with me politely declining several times on the visits with the rest of the family many times, they aren't getting the message that I'm just not into it.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:06     Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
Do you always have to host? Can you not just meet them in a neutral location?
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2017 16:03     Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
"Hi, Dad. We'd love to have you and Larla come spend time with us, but it's not going to work for us to have Larla's daughter and grandkids come at the same time. Here are three weekends that work for us--do any of them sound good to you and Larla?"