Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

I agree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is being a bit harsh to OP. He's clearly in shock. We don't know how long the mother has kept this from him - shouldn't some responsibility fall on her too? From this account it seems like she wants him just to be a source of income since she couldn't do him the courtesy of notifying him sooner (you know, maybe during the 9 months she was pregnant). Can't have it both ways.

He's already been through the court case and caught up on child support arrears. This isn't new information for him. He's not in shock, he just doesn't care.

OP here. I've known for a few months so it's somewhat recent. The child support case went fairly quickly because it's really just a DNA test and then looking at paystubs. I paid off the arrears in a lump sum because if you're over like $2,500 (less than two months of the amount) they can cancel your passport.

I'm not sure if I would call it shock but I'm mulling what I want to do and what things I should be considering which is why I posted.

I think you should work with her and if she says no, sue for visitation. you want to be in contact with your child. Who knows what this unknown, possibly mal-intentioned person is telling your poor kid about his or her father, or even how the child is treated. You owe it to this child, who did nothing wrong, to do your best to give him or her a good life.

YES.

And she could turn out to be decent person too, in the end. So stay as calm and courteous as you are right now

Do you want to have a relationship with your child? I realize you said you hadn't planned on a child at this stage in your life, but that ship has sailed. You *do* have one. What you do from this point on will speak volumes about your character.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Yeah, not telling you about the kid until after it's born and trying to squeeze extra money from you signals to me that she thinks you're a piggy bank and not a partner.

Sounds like a tough spot to be in, honestly.

I agree, and I really do feel for you OP. I think it is so very selfish that this woman couldn't even be bothered to tell you about your own child and is now using you for support on her whim. I can only imagine what a shock this is, especially if you didn't intend on having a child.

Is she offering anything in terms of custody/visitation? Summers, maybe?

She doesn't get to "offer" custody/visitation, that's something OP has a right to, if he chooses to step up and do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Yeah, not telling you about the kid until after it's born and trying to squeeze extra money from you signals to me that she thinks you're a piggy bank and not a partner.

Sounds like a tough spot to be in, honestly.

I agree, and I really do feel for you OP. I think it is so very selfish that this woman couldn't even be bothered to tell you about your own child and is now using you for support on her whim. I can only imagine what a shock this is, especially if you didn't intend on having a child.

Is she offering anything in terms of custody/visitation? Summers, maybe?

Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is being a bit harsh to OP. He's clearly in shock. We don't know how long the mother has kept this from him - shouldn't some responsibility fall on her too? From this account it seems like she wants him just to be a source of income since she couldn't do him the courtesy of notifying him sooner (you know, maybe during the 9 months she was pregnant). Can't have it both ways.

He's already been through the court case and caught up on child support arrears. This isn't new information for him. He's not in shock, he just doesn't care.

OP here. I've known for a few months so it's somewhat recent. The child support case went fairly quickly because it's really just a DNA test and then looking at paystubs. I paid off the arrears in a lump sum because if you're over like $2,500 (less than two months of the amount) they can cancel your passport.

I'm not sure if I would call it shock but I'm mulling what I want to do and what things I should be considering which is why I posted.

I think you should work with her and if she says no, sue for visitation. you want to be in contact with your child. Who knows what this unknown, possibly mal-intentioned person is telling your poor kid about his or her father, or even how the child is treated. You owe it to this child, who did nothing wrong, to do your best to give him or her a good life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Yeah, not telling you about the kid until after it's born and trying to squeeze extra money from you signals to me that she thinks you're a piggy bank and not a partner.

Sounds like a tough spot to be in, honestly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is being a bit harsh to OP. He's clearly in shock. We don't know how long the mother has kept this from him - shouldn't some responsibility fall on her too? From this account it seems like she wants him just to be a source of income since she couldn't do him the courtesy of notifying him sooner (you know, maybe during the 9 months she was pregnant). Can't have it both ways.

He's already been through the court case and caught up on child support arrears. This isn't new information for him. He's not in shock, he just doesn't care.

OP here. I've known for a few months so it's somewhat recent. The child support case went fairly quickly because it's really just a DNA test and then looking at paystubs. I paid off the arrears in a lump sum because if you're over like $2,500 (less than two months of the amount) they can cancel your passport.

I'm not sure if I would call it shock but I'm mulling what I want to do and what things I should be considering which is why I posted.

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is being a bit harsh to OP. He's clearly in shock. We don't know how long the mother has kept this from him - shouldn't some responsibility fall on her too? From this account it seems like she wants him just to be a source of income since she couldn't do him the courtesy of notifying him sooner (you know, maybe during the 9 months she was pregnant). Can't have it both ways.

He's already been through the court case and caught up on child support arrears. This isn't new information for him. He's not in shock, he just doesn't care.

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how old the child is why don't you and the mother decide how and when she will let the child know and when and if they want to make contact. The child will want to know who their father is when they get older. As someone who has over 20 years working with families and children a younger child doesn't really realize what they don't have but as they get older they will start asking questions.

Why don't you write and date a letter to the child every year about your life so when and if they child reaches out to you they can know your likes, dislikes and a story or two about your family and upbringing. Just a thought.

That's a good idea, but an even better one is to visit him regularly.

How old is the child?

I'm confused as to what you are asking? I'm glad you'd stepped up financially. Don't let the opportunity pass you by, to be a good father to the child and develop a relationship. You will damage the kid forever, and you will regret it till your grave. Kids NEED dads. There is no greater gift in life than to love and be loved by a child and to be present while they grow.

I think everyone is being a bit harsh to OP. He's clearly in shock. We don't know how long the mother has kept this from him - shouldn't some responsibility fall on her too? From this account it seems like she wants him just to be a source of income since she couldn't do him the courtesy of notifying him sooner (you know, maybe during the 9 months she was pregnant). Can't have it both ways.