Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 13:50     Subject: Re:WWYD?
Does your brother pay child support to niece's mother?
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 13:48     Subject: WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Can you take your niece to the shower and say she's a friends child? If not, I'd skip the shower and have a fun day with my niece. How old is she?

Nòooooo, don't do this. Horrible advice
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 12:37     Subject: Re:WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:As a PP noted, I think the relationship with your niece's mother is fragile. The relationship you have with your SIL is not. I'd either:
1. Claim illness and skip the baby shower
2. Tell niece's mom that you have a commitment between X-Y time and see if:
a) work around that commitment
b) let you leave niece at your home with a babysitter for a couple hours (that you pay for)
3. If #2 won't work, I'd back out of the baby shower.


I'm all for OP having a relationship with her niece and niece's mother (and have advocated previously in this thread for being honest about this with her own family), but I think some people are taking this to an extreme with the whole "the relationship is fragile, everything has to cater to the relationship" notion. OP already had the commitment to the shower before niece's mom asked her to babysit her niece, not the other way around. OP isn't bailing on this woman, she's simply not available. If this woman were so fragile that the concept of OP having a life that doesn't revolve around her and her daughter so that having to say no this time would destroy the relationship (which I don't get the impression is the case from OP, I think people are reading that into it), I think OP would need to rethink her relationship with this woman.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 12:31     Subject: Re:WWYD?
As a PP noted, I think the relationship with your niece's mother is fragile. The relationship you have with your SIL is not. I'd either:
1. Claim illness and skip the baby shower
2. Tell niece's mom that you have a commitment between X-Y time and see if:
a) work around that commitment
b) let you leave niece at your home with a babysitter for a couple hours (that you pay for)
3. If #2 won't work, I'd back out of the baby shower.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 12:27     Subject: WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Long story short my brother was dating a woman, she got pregnant, they got engaged shortly before the baby was born, he left about a month later, came back 2 months later and then left again for good. He has no contact with this woman or his child. Yes my brother is scum.
Not surprisingly after this all happened the woman pushed all of us away, my parents were never very nice to her from the start because of her background.

That's the backstory, well last year around a year ago I tracked this woman down on FB and messaged her "I saw your profile. Hope you and niece are well. Sorry for how my family treated you. Feel free to add me as a friend; I'd love to be more in touch with you." sort of thing.

She didn't respond for a couple of months, but when she did she thanked me for the kind words, and we exchanged messages frequently after that. Early this year she was in the area, and ask me if I would like to meet my niece and I did that. Since then, we message on social media, text, and call each other.

She's going to be in the area again, and asked if I could watch my niece for a little while why she takes care of things. The problem is the time she needs is when I am supposed to attend my brother's wife's shower.

I haven't told my family about being in contact with his ex. Do I just tell her I'm not available and not explain why? I want to help her out, but there's no way I can skip the shower. I feel terribly that she's left to deal with everything on her own while my SIL is fawned over.


The answer to this is really straightforward OP. You are just overthinking it because of your guilt about the whole situation. You tell her you have an unavoidable commitment and try to help her find another sitter during that time. You don't say why.


This is what I was thinking. Don't tell about the shower because damn. Just say it's an unavoidable commitment, ask if you could keep your niece after it's over. If she can't change her schedule, and if she would be okay with you arranging for a sitter during the time you're unavailable, and you'd care for your niece after the event.

I'd be afraid that saying no could mean she thinks you're pulling back or only wanting a superficial relationship. I'd consider bailing on the shower if the alternatives don't work, but I'm not really sure what I'd do if all else failed and I had to choose.


Don't do this. It's a complete lie. Baby showers are not a jury summons...they are 100% avoidable and not the least bit mandatory. Send a gift. Call day of and say you're sick. Whatever. Your niece that is here right now and has been snubbed and rejected by her father and his family (except you) is priority #1.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 12:01     Subject: WWYD?
Does new SIL know about the niece?
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 11:40     Subject: WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Long story short my brother was dating a woman, she got pregnant, they got engaged shortly before the baby was born, he left about a month later, came back 2 months later and then left again for good. He has no contact with this woman or his child. Yes my brother is scum.
Not surprisingly after this all happened the woman pushed all of us away, my parents were never very nice to her from the start because of her background.

That's the backstory, well last year around a year ago I tracked this woman down on FB and messaged her "I saw your profile. Hope you and niece are well. Sorry for how my family treated you. Feel free to add me as a friend; I'd love to be more in touch with you." sort of thing.

She didn't respond for a couple of months, but when she did she thanked me for the kind words, and we exchanged messages frequently after that. Early this year she was in the area, and ask me if I would like to meet my niece and I did that. Since then, we message on social media, text, and call each other.

She's going to be in the area again, and asked if I could watch my niece for a little while why she takes care of things. The problem is the time she needs is when I am supposed to attend my brother's wife's shower.

I haven't told my family about being in contact with his ex. Do I just tell her I'm not available and not explain why? I want to help her out, but there's no way I can skip the shower. I feel terribly that she's left to deal with everything on her own while my SIL is fawned over.


The answer to this is really straightforward OP. You are just overthinking it because of your guilt about the whole situation. You tell her you have an unavoidable commitment and try to help her find another sitter during that time. You don't say why.


This is what I was thinking. Don't tell about the shower because damn. Just say it's an unavoidable commitment, ask if you could keep your niece after it's over. If she can't change her schedule, and if she would be okay with you arranging for a sitter during the time you're unavailable, and you'd care for your niece after the event.

I'd be afraid that saying no could mean she thinks you're pulling back or only wanting a superficial relationship. I'd consider bailing on the shower if the alternatives don't work, but I'm not really sure what I'd do if all else failed and I had to choose.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 11:38     Subject: WWYD?
Can you take your niece to the shower and say she's a friends child? If not, I'd skip the shower and have a fun day with my niece. How old is she?
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 11:25     Subject: WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Long story short my brother was dating a woman, she got pregnant, they got engaged shortly before the baby was born, he left about a month later, came back 2 months later and then left again for good. He has no contact with this woman or his child. Yes my brother is scum.
Not surprisingly after this all happened the woman pushed all of us away, my parents were never very nice to her from the start because of her background.

That's the backstory, well last year around a year ago I tracked this woman down on FB and messaged her "I saw your profile. Hope you and niece are well. Sorry for how my family treated you. Feel free to add me as a friend; I'd love to be more in touch with you." sort of thing.

She didn't respond for a couple of months, but when she did she thanked me for the kind words, and we exchanged messages frequently after that. Early this year she was in the area, and ask me if I would like to meet my niece and I did that. Since then, we message on social media, text, and call each other.

She's going to be in the area again, and asked if I could watch my niece for a little while why she takes care of things. The problem is the time she needs is when I am supposed to attend my brother's wife's shower.

I haven't told my family about being in contact with his ex. Do I just tell her I'm not available and not explain why? I want to help her out, but there's no way I can skip the shower. I feel terribly that she's left to deal with everything on her own while my SIL is fawned over.


The answer to this is really straightforward OP. You are just overthinking it because of your guilt about the whole situation. You tell her you have an unavoidable commitment and try to help her find another sitter during that time. You don't say why.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 11:17     Subject: WWYD?
I'd tell her you have a commitment from x-y PM and ask if there is there any chance she can work around that but if not you'd back out of the commitment. You might get lucky and be able to do both. Otherwise, I would probably skip the shower. I know it's not new SIL's fault that your brother has brought baggage into the situation, but this is truly the first helpful thing you all can do for this little girl. Plus it gives you a chance to get to know her (presumably they live out of town) which is very important.

I also think you also have to talk to her about being open with your family that you are in touch. I'm guessing if your brother has a new baby on the way, your parents are at their lowest point about accepting the previous child into their lives. But I do think you need to be honest with them that you've met this child and do plan to continue a relationship with her.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 11:01     Subject: WWYD?
I'd skip the shower and take care of niece. She's family. This is not overstepping. You're brother and family treated this woman like dirt and this is a step toward making it right.

If new SIL doesn't understand, she's as bad as your brother.

Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 11:01     Subject: WWYD?
I know I should tell my family.
I didn't at first because I didn't know how things would go. I'm not even sure what the conversation would be.
She isn't dangerous, my parents didn't like her because she wasn't good enough for my brother ie poor, no degree, glam model.
My brother is simply selfish.

I do like my SIL and know she'd be hurt if I don't come we actually get along pretty well, and she didn't really want a shower, but was kind of pushed into it by my mom and I promised to help her cope with it .
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 10:55     Subject: WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Ugh--sorry your family kind of sucks. I would not be honest, none of this sounds like your SIL's fault and it will ruin her day + cause a lot of drama for a pregnant lady.

Tell your SIL that you are ill and take care of your niece. I think you have a fragile relationship with your niece's mom and if you back out/refuse, she may go away and you won't see either one again.

Send a nice gift for the shower and take your SIL to lunch or dinner at a later time.


pp here- later, you need to tell your family you are in touch with their daughter/grand daughter. Cannot even imagine my DS having a baby someday and me (as the grandmother) ignoring the child and mom.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 10:53     Subject: Re:WWYD?
Just say you have a prior commitment- I don't see why this is even a thing.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2017 10:52     Subject: Re:WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your brother's wife's baby shower? As in the brother who is the father of this child?


Yes.


Oh no no no OP. You have way overstepped your boundaries.


How has OP overstepped boundaries? This is her niece. Unless the mother poses and physical threat to the rest of OP's family and OP is now endangering them by being in touch with the mom, I'm failing to see how the rest of OP's family gets to decide she's not allowed to know her niece.