Anonymous wrote:Also recognize your SIL loved your DH first. Try to understand her and respect that relationship but agree, you don't have to be best friends.

Wtf?!

"Loved him first"?! You're not his high school sweetheart. The love between a husband and wife and a brother/sister is completely different and to compare the two is just creepy. Ew.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

NP here. Wow. It sounds like it's easier for you to blame your SIL for your now-distant relationship with your brother rather than blaming *your brother.*

Obviously my brother is ultimately responsible for his actions and relationships. Of course he is the one at fault, and I do blame him actually. But you are either disengenuous or really naive to act like his wife has no influence. It's not just a coincidence that he stopped coming around as much when his opinions mysteriously started resembling his wife's. Do I think my in-laws are the greatest thing ever? No. There is a lot there that annoys me. And as is the case in many families (and is the case in all my siblings' marriages), as the DW I make a lot of the family plans etc. I could probably pretty easily navigate our time towards more with my family and less with my husband's, and save myself the annoyance and stress that extended time with my in-laws bring. Would my husband be at fault for letting me do that? Yes. Would it absolve me of any responsibility? No. But I don't do that, because they are my husband's family, and he loves them, and I want my DC to know their grandparents and cousins. It's really not that hard to suck it up and try to be fair.

So talk to him.

I tried that early on. It didn't work. He got defensive, on his behalf and hers, and when he shared it with her it made things worse. I actually completely agree with the advice to disengage, which I learned from that discussion. You can't control them or force a relationship. My point in posting on this thread though, is that people can know to disengage and actually do it in person, and still be disappointed that that is their situation. And want to vent about it on an anonymous board. OP lecturing strangers on how they should feel and act, even here anonymously is unnecessary. If the threads bother him/her so much, don't read them. Those of us in similar situations can easily sympathize and encouraging disengaging to posters dealing with similar dynamics.

Here's my motto -

Assume the best intentions.

It has worked well for me.

Sometimes SIL's can seem "normal" or "super nice" especially to outsiders. I've learned to cope with my SIL's "ways". She's not a horrible person, she's just got issues like the rest of us. I have mine, she's got hers. You have to vent somehow, and an anonymous forum is great because your poor DH doesn't have to continuously hear it. So, let me vent....

SIL is super competitive, always trying to outdo others whether it be through fashion, career, whatever, and then you add kids to the mix, and interacting with her just becomes....uncomfortable, annoying, tedious, not fun. It annoys me when SIL copies my parenting choices, and then I hear her tell others about it as if she came up with it for her kids. Or, her white lies about the stupidest sh*t. Always trying to put a spin on everything to make herself and her family look perfect. Since I know the truth, I just have to sit there and listen to the lies and I just feel like calling her out on them. Not huge issues at all. She's not crazy, evil or anything like that. But spending all that time together (gotta keep the family peace and promote closeness with cousins) you just can't help but observe stuff that grates on you. Over time, I learned to not let it bother me so much, but it still gets to me sometimes. I'm sure she has similar gripes about me and I hope she has a way to vent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

+1. Or not being allowed to spend Christmas with our families, because she insists on everyone coming to her house but you, and puts your parents in the position of having to choose between the children (which is awful and stressful for them).

Why should your parents get Christmas at their house every year? What about SIL's family and kids? Your parents got Christmas with their kids at home when you all were little, let SIL have that too.

PP didn't say her SIL can't host, but that her SIL wants everyone BUT PP there. So the parents have to choose to go to SIL, or go to PP's. Either way they have to pick one child to see at Christmas and one child to not see.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

+1. Or not being allowed to spend Christmas with our families, because she insists on everyone coming to her house but you, and puts your parents in the position of having to choose between the children (which is awful and stressful for them).

Why should your parents get Christmas at their house every year? What about SIL's family and kids? Your parents got Christmas with their kids at home when you all were little, let SIL have that too.

My SIL has borderline personality disorder and she and my brother fight like cats and dogs, to the point he lost custody of his kid, has been involuntarily committed to a mental hospital, and has been arrested twice for domestic violence.

The only reaching out to her that I do, is to give her resources for domestic violence.

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

+1. Or not being allowed to spend Christmas with our families, because she insists on everyone coming to her house but you, and puts your parents in the position of having to choose between the children (which is awful and stressful for them).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

NP here. Wow. It sounds like it's easier for you to blame your SIL for your now-distant relationship with your brother rather than blaming *your brother.*

Obviously my brother is ultimately responsible for his actions and relationships. Of course he is the one at fault, and I do blame him actually. But you are either disengenuous or really naive to act like his wife has no influence. It's not just a coincidence that he stopped coming around as much when his opinions mysteriously started resembling his wife's. Do I think my in-laws are the greatest thing ever? No. There is a lot there that annoys me. And as is the case in many families (and is the case in all my siblings' marriages), as the DW I make a lot of the family plans etc. I could probably pretty easily navigate our time towards more with my family and less with my husband's, and save myself the annoyance and stress that extended time with my in-laws bring. Would my husband be at fault for letting me do that? Yes. Would it absolve me of any responsibility? No. But I don't do that, because they are my husband's family, and he loves them, and I want my DC to know their grandparents and cousins. It's really not that hard to suck it up and try to be fair.

So talk to him.

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is batshit and I have to agree with OP. I do my best to minimize time with her and never initiate conversation. I try to keep it to pleasantries. Why kick the hornet's nest?

This PP here -- forgot to mention my SIL has definitely influenced my brother not to spend time with me and my entire family. I get the sense that he does it to keep the peace at home. I don't want to cause him problems so I just let it ride for now. he'll come back around when he comes to his senses about her. But whatever, they have small kids, I have zero desire to interject trouble on their marriage that will hurt the kids.

My SIL is batshit and I have to agree with OP. I do my best to minimize time with her and never initiate conversation. I try to keep it to pleasantries. Why kick the hornet's nest?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

NP here. Wow. It sounds like it's easier for you to blame your SIL for your now-distant relationship with your brother rather than blaming *your brother.*

Obviously my brother is ultimately responsible for his actions and relationships. Of course he is the one at fault, and I do blame him actually. But you are either disengenuous or really naive to act like his wife has no influence. It's not just a coincidence that he stopped coming around as much when his opinions mysteriously started resembling his wife's. Do I think my in-laws are the greatest thing ever? No. There is a lot there that annoys me. And as is the case in many families (and is the case in all my siblings' marriages), as the DW I make a lot of the family plans etc. I could probably pretty easily navigate our time towards more with my family and less with my husband's, and save myself the annoyance and stress that extended time with my in-laws bring. Would my husband be at fault for letting me do that? Yes. Would it absolve me of any responsibility? No. But I don't do that, because they are my husband's family, and he loves them, and I want my DC to know their grandparents and cousins. It's really not that hard to suck it up and try to be fair.

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

NP here. Wow. It sounds like it's easier for you to blame your SIL for your now-distant relationship with your brother rather than blaming *your brother.*

I agree. I'm glad you make my brother happy. I"m glad you're a good mom to my nephews, but just leave me alone.

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, why do you even care? Maybe some of us had really good, close relationships with our brothers before the SIL came into the picture, and we're mourning those relationships because her aloofness and disinterest in being part of our family means we've lost that closeness. And maybe we're also mourning not being close with their kids, or our kids not being close with their cousins? All of which we are allowed to feel, btw. Just as we might regret losing a friend who got married and essentially disappeared from our lives. Yes, there is nothing we can do about it, and disengaging is ultimately the answer. But it can still be frustrating. And venting here on an anonymous board is a hell of a lot healthier than keeping those feelings bottled up, or God forbid, letting them loose on our brothers or SILs.

Here's a crazy thought. If YOU are so bothered by these types of threads, don't read them.

Did you ever stop to think the reason you're not close with your brother is oh I don't know...your brother?