Anonymous wrote:Get some boundaries, OP.

It's bogus.

Anonymous wrote:If your hometown is large, and you've a social circle outside of your parents there, you may be ok. In my case, I would not move. My mom would be smothering me and my children more than she already does. Any decision to do something as simple as go to the library without her would be taken as an offense. (I'm alone now, and you didn't even take me to the library with my little loves. How will they ever know me? Me, me, me. I can't bear to be a minute away from them, and now this! You told your father you were driving them to school before me!? Why do you hate me? I could have driven them for you!! And gotten more time with them. You know I need to hold them, otherwise I don't know how I can go on.). So, if this is your mom too, OP, it will be no good for anyone. Think of your own marriage.

BTW +1 to putting screws to dad about telling mom now. He's using your baby for cover.

If your hometown is large, and you've a social circle outside of your parents there, you may be ok. In my case, I would not move. My mom would be smothering me and my children more than she already does. Any decision to do something as simple as go to the library without her would be taken as an offense. (I'm alone now, and you didn't even take me to the library with my little loves. How will they ever know me? Me, me, me. I can't bear to be a minute away from them, and now this! You told your father you were driving them to school before me!? Why do you hate me? I could have driven them for you!! And gotten more time with them. You know I need to hold them, otherwise I don't know how I can go on.). So, if this is your mom too, OP, it will be no good for anyone. Think of your own marriage.

Get some boundaries, OP.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are planning to relocate in 6 weeks to my hometown. I've been here with the kids staying at my parents past three weeks to start to get them enrolled in schools and I'm also pregnant so needed to switch OBs etc. Since I've been here noticed some things with my dad. DH and I decided I should say something about it. Spoke to him today and he confirmed but basically said he's not doing anything until after new baby is born.

I really do not want to be here when my parents marriage erupts because my father is leaving for the other woman. I will certainly be placed in the middle if it, that's just how my parents are unfortunately. Seriously considering scrapping everything and keeping put in DC. Can not even believe this curveball but luckily our kids are 3 and under so I think they'll weather it ok. We rent in dc, planning to rent in hometown for year and DH teleworks, so with that I think we are actually pretty lucky and could scrap everything.

DH joked we should go to LA but thinks it's more of a midlife crisis and will all blow over in a few months.

You're enrolling children less than 3 years of age in school?

Your father should have told you to mind your own damn business. Your prime concern appears to be how this will affect your freeloading childcare.

OP, I can understand why you wouldn't want to be in your parents' home when mom learns about the affair. I also don't understand why one event which isn't your event would drive the "I don't want to live here" mentality. You are an adult, your parents can only drag you into things if you allow it. As for your husband, if he wants to move to l.a., I'd listen to him. That doesn't mean you do it, but I would really listen to what he wants and why. It is extremely difficult for the trailing spouse (which is what your husband is) to fit in. There is a huge amount of pressure for the trailing spouse to "get along" adjust" "make it work" "give it time" and every other phrase that would normally be appropriate when one has just moved. Your husband doesn't have ties to your parents nor your home town. If your parents are truly as drama filled as you claim, and you are as unable to withstand it as you claim, at some point, your husband is going to wonder how he and the kids are bennifitting from living in your home town. Distance makes many things tenable, especially if you are mentally and physically able to be a good mom and wife. I wonder why you would want to move to a proximity where you would put your marriage at risk because you lack healthy boundaries with your parents. Your husband sounds like a real good guy, I'd focus on putting him and your children above everything else. I also noticed a dismissiveness of your dad, and a dismissiveness of your husband. Your dad is hardly a Boy Scout, though he did choose to level with you as an adult and a peer when you pushed for details. You don't have to condone his behavior, but you do need to respond like an adult and realize that nobody can involve you in their mess without your permission. Your husband has mentioned wanting to live in l.a., and you seem to regard it as a joke. I wonder why you are so dismissive of the two most important men in your life, men who have opened up to you in very vonerable ways. Remember, you liked your dad enough to live with him before your husband and you officially moved, and you liked your dad enough to want to move to your home town.

Anonymous wrote:Your mother will never forgive you for knowing her husband was going to leave her and doing nothing to tell her.

For all you know, your dad has been moving money and things in a plan to leave your mom with as few resources as possible. Do you love your mom? Can you in good faith not tell her to get a lawyer ASAP?

Your silence is taking sides. Telling your mom sends the clear message you will not be a pawn and you will not be complicit.

FYI, been there.

I agree that by not telling your mother, you are choosing a side and siding with your father.

If she knows, so what. It will be easy for her to move on. At least your mom knows that you won't betray her and your father knows that you're not going to cover up his shit.

Your mother will never forgive you for knowing her husband was going to leave her and doing nothing to tell her.

For all you know, your dad has been moving money and things in a plan to leave your mom with as few resources as possible. Do you love your mom? Can you in good faith not tell her to get a lawyer ASAP?

Your silence is taking sides. Telling your mom sends the clear message you will not be a pawn and you will not be complicit.

FYI, been there.

Anonymous wrote:The affair may fizzle out before the baby is born. Especially once your dad figures out the financial ramifications of late-in-life divorce.

This is also what DH thinks, it's a mid life crisis, recently lost both his parents and eventually it will fizzle and why he's not doing anything now and wants to wait.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it your instinct of how your mom will react? Any chance she knows and has been letting it slide?

This is what DH thinks. Honestly we caught on that something was going on SO Quick how could she not know.

If you think she knows and is in denial or looking the other way, then don't say anything. She has her reasons, and it's not really your place to force that on her. If, on the other hand, you think that for some reason she truly may not have figured it out, then I would say something. It's not fair to put you in that position.

Anonymous wrote:What is it your instinct of how your mom will react? Any chance she knows and has been letting it slide?

This is what DH thinks. Honestly we caught on that something was going on SO Quick how could she not know.

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely she needs to know now! If he has his life together enough to be carrying on a relationship outside of his marriage, he can deal with the consequences.

I can't imagine any good reason he could have for delaying the split. And if I was his child, there are only very, very few reasons I could look past his deception. Don't become part of it and betray your mother as well.

May I ask if you have had this happen to you? I am not being snarky, I just read this sentiment over and over on this board and having been in this position, its not as simple as that, at least in my experience. The idea that you are weak in your principles or somehow more ethical for cutting a parent out, however significantly flawed, seems too black and white to me. JMHO

Absolutely she needs to know now! If he has his life together enough to be carrying on a relationship outside of his marriage, he can deal with the consequences.

I can't imagine any good reason he could have for delaying the split. And if I was his child, there are only very, very few reasons I could look past his deception. Don't become part of it and betray your mother as well.

What is it your instinct of how your mom will react? Any chance she knows and has been letting it slide?