Anonymous wrote:What is your relationship with them like? I would be more upset if this played out in other ways, as in the way they treat you or relate to you. The money thing reflects more about them than the way they feel about you so I wouldn't take it personally. It just tells you what their values are.

The relationship is good. We get along, but I do feel it's because I cross all the ts and dot my is.
I don't shake things up and our relationship would be not so great if I did.

OP, they feel they have to impress the other family. It seems like she has a cultural advantage this way. She will probably also not be pushed to follow certain cultural norms and obligations with your in-laws that you have to do. This will all make you envious of her. On the other hand, you're an insider and she'll always be an outsider to them. You will be closer and more trusted. Is that worth something to you?

That's my take, after decades with in-laws from another culture.

What is your relationship with them like? I would be more upset if this played out in other ways, as in the way they treat you or relate to you. The money thing reflects more about them than the way they feel about you so I wouldn't take it personally. It just tells you what their values are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate feedback from all. I just needed to vent and get it out. I'm sure it will be tough but I hope to be fair and equal when I have my own children. I'm going to move on and rise up above. They did it and its over and I may never know why. Thanks everyone

Don't delude yourself. You are not "rising above" because *you have nothing to get over.* It is their money, they can do with it what they like. Not spending it on a party for you does not make them horrible people. "Rising up above" means that something happened that you legitimately have a right to feel hurt/upset/offended over. That is not the case here.

It's their money and they can spend it how they want, but I can feel slighted by how they are treating this wedding vs my own. I never called them horrible. I choose to rise above my feelings and not let this stress me out or affect the relationship with them.

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate feedback from all. I just needed to vent and get it out. I'm sure it will be tough but I hope to be fair and equal when I have my own children. I'm going to move on and rise up above. They did it and its over and I may never know why. Thanks everyone

Don't delude yourself. You are not "rising above" because *you have nothing to get over.* It is their money, they can do with it what they like. Not spending it on a party for you does not make them horrible people. "Rising up above" means that something happened that you legitimately have a right to feel hurt/upset/offended over. That is not the case here.

How you respond depends on your relationship with your husband. In my relationship I would mention it to mine and ask him if I was the only one offended. If he says yes, drop it. If he agrees then he can decide whether he wants to talk to them about his hurt. But act like you are over it in the hopes that one day you will be over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, it's just not your money, and it's really not any of your business.

This is true. I'm just venting. Wedding planning is at the beginning of planning process for next year and I'm just getting my frustrations out.

Not your wedding. Not your money. So this has literally nothing to do with you, and you are not actually entitled to thoughts or feelings about it.

"Not entitled to thoughts or feelings about it"???? Please. You are entitled to whatever thoughts and feelings you want, whenever you want them. It's not like she is boycotting the wedding. She is venting on an anonymous forum.

Anonymous wrote:Is your marriage less happy or damaged in some way due to the fact that you didn't have to put yourself or your inlaws into debt in order to have an extravagant wedding? Do you not enjoy not being indebted to them for the help to have a party? Is the pride That you have in knowing you're not so shallow and petty bother you?

They're putting this money out as it's an expectation for her and they are saving face for their family and their son by providing it. It's nothing to be jealous of - in fact, I'd feel embarrassed for BIL for not having his own affairs in order.

+1

I appreciate feedback from all. I just needed to vent and get it out. I'm sure it will be tough but I hope to be fair and equal when I have my own children. I'm going to move on and rise up above. They did it and its over and I may never know why. Thanks everyone

Is your marriage less happy or damaged in some way due to the fact that you didn't have to put yourself or your inlaws into debt in order to have an extravagant wedding? Do you not enjoy not being indebted to them for the help to have a party? Is the pride That you have in knowing you're not so shallow and petty bother you?

They're putting this money out as it's an expectation for her and they are saving face for their family and their son by providing it. It's nothing to be jealous of - in fact, I'd feel embarrassed for BIL for not having his own affairs in order.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, it's just not your money, and it's really not any of your business.

This is true. I'm just venting. Wedding planning is at the beginning of planning process for next year and I'm just getting my frustrations out.

Not your wedding. Not your money. So this has literally nothing to do with you, and you are not actually entitled to thoughts or feelings about it.

I think OP is entitled to thoughts and feelings about it.

You now know your in-laws for what they are.

Yes it is their money.

That said, it is completely understandable to compare and be resentful. Those who say it is unreasonable to have these thoughts are unrealistic.

It is, however, your choice what to do with this information and these feelings. Letting it go because it does not make you any happier to be resentful is a valid and mature choice. It may be hard, however, to let it go completely. You will always know they made this choice. I would never make such a choice with my kids.

Everyone is entitled to do what they want with their money. I am not sure why you know all the financial details of someone else's wedding but it really has nothing to do with you. You have no idea what their reasons are or what led to them making this decision. Maybe BIL asked for financial help and you didn't. It could be as simple as that.

My parents did not pay for any of my college tuition but they paid for both of my younger siblings (one two years younger, one four years younger). Their choice for their own reasons, I don't hold any hard feelings. In the end we all ended up with college degrees and being given money / paying yourself teaches you different life lessons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their financial situation may have changed over the years too.

Maybe but I don't think so. It's only been couple years.

NP. Even a couple of years can make a big difference.