Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It was my parents, not ILs, who actually took us in. They couldn't manage stairs anymore and we have a completed basement (in-law suite?) with full kitchen and bath.

We were newly married and had a son that was the spitting image of my dad. They stated their case for four months before I agreed.

All it amounted to was me making extra food at every meal to relieve my mother of the chore, and taking DS down for visits every once in a while. Maybe I helped them with their tv or something. Very light work on my part. I did have to deal with them having, of course, full run of the house. That meant no entertaining while they were still alive and moving out of the living room whenever they wanted to watch something upstairs.

But, I have beautiful memories of my very sick father playing with my son. And, my mother loved to feed DS. I have a picture of her stealing his food, which is really funny. My mother had very, very long hair that I would blow out for her while we chatted or watched one of her Lifetime shows.

I have no regrets. Their ashes are still in the house. They spent their lives taking care of me. I had the honor of giving back before they were gone.

I sleep well at night knowing that I lived up to my own sense of myself. That's something no one can take away from you.

thank you for this. i feel this is what going through my spouse's head that i wasnt considering.

This setup works more often when it is the wife's parents that move in.

My MIL lives ten minutes from us. She's in her mid 80's and lives alone. I have the resources to allow her to live in her own home with full time care if it was ever required. It would be expensive but it would protect my sanity and my marriage.

I know it's inevitable my MIL will be living with us but I have a plan. I will be building her a 1 bedroom efficiency with a kitchen, LR, MB and bath. She should be able to afford to pay for it but if not thankfully I will be able to.

My FIL lived with us for 6 years. He came to the house very independent and ended up passing away in our home from cancer. He was in his late 70s when he moved in. I wouldn't change it for the world, his grandchildren adored him and we ended up having an amazing relationship ourself.

There were definitely some struggles such as the fact that he was a Great Depression baby and he hoarded every thing!!! When my husband would take him grocery shopping every Sunday that would be the time where I could throw out all of his newspapers & magazines that he received on a weekly basis. He saved used tea bags for additonal uses, washed aluminum foil and ziploc bags. I laugh about it now but sometimes it would drive me crazy.

He sold his house to move in with us and was unable to part with a lot of his belongings and our house became extremely cluttered with unneeded furniture. Who needs 4 dining room tables? Apparently we do. We ate dinner together (at the many tables), he would wash and dry the dishes, help with laundry, go out to the bar with us, pick up dry cleaning, cook oatmeal on the weekends and tidy up the house when he was indepdent. He could walk to the doctor and it was convenient that he could be at the house when home maintenance appointments needed someone to let them in. He took his grandkids outside to play and get into things that mom and dad wouldn't allow that they have fond memories of.

As he aged and became more dependent on us, he became more of a child. I made sure he took his meds, had breakfast and dinner, escorted him to doctor's appointments, pay his bills, make sure the children's toys were picked up all day long since he started shuffling his feet, carried his laundry up and down the stairs, picked up his dry cleaning, and clean up after him. As we found out he was terminally ill and he became sick, he definitely became very dependent on us, hospice ended up coming to our home and we had caregivers in our basement tend to him.

As I mentioned, definitely had some struggles from him sharing unsolicited opinions to refusing that he needed daily help to take care of himself. The end was ugly, I've never watched someone die from cancer but I know that he never wanted to be in a nursing home and am happy that he was able to die at home surrounded by his loved ones. He once read stories to the children every evening and in the end the children and I read him a story every night. Sure it can be an inconvenience, and they do get grumpy as they get older, a bathroom is cluttered with a shower chair & baby bathtub, you feel stuck in the sandwich generation, you have visitors in your home when you just want to walk around naked; however, you smile and take a picture when your kid is sitting in their lap and eating their food, when they get up every morning and go to the basement to see their grandfather, when grandfather's face lights up when DC attempts to sing the itsy bitsy spider.

Several months after his passing, we are still adjusting to life without him. If it wasn't for the cancer, I'm sure he would have lived with us into his 90s still driving me crazy but I wouldn't change it.

For the record, I didn't watch my mother take care of her parents and it's not the norm for my husband or myself. My ILs never expected to live after 50 as they had way too much fun during their hippie days, they saved very little for retirement but he had enough to pay for his caregivers at the end.

My husband's Dad lives with us full-time. I was a little worried at first because he intimidated the heck out of me for 20+ years but after my husband's mom (his wife) died and Dad began to have some health issues we decided it was the best thing. Now I don't know what I would do without him and he is my partner in crime.

Dad has integrated so well into our family that I cannot imagine life without him here at home with us. Basically where I go, he goes. In fact, usually he is sitting in the kitchen watching tv with me (or even reading postings to me from DCUM! and he is outside now with the boys watching them play basketball which is the only reason I can reply to this particular thread) while I cook. The kids adore having him around.

We did not do an in-law suite because it all happened so quickly but he has a Master suite to himself so he does have a little extra space and there is a little sitting room there that he uses as a study. Because he has early stages Alzheimer's we need him close by so that we and his daytime companion can get to him easily.

There have been some hurdles to overcome but I think we've hit the major ones in terms of all of us learning to live together. I am so happy that we made the choices we did and we would do it all over again in a heartbeat. We may end up doing an addition so that he has a suite of rooms on the first floor. For now he is negotiating the stairs just fine but we are trying to plan ahead for his physical needs as well as what will happen with this stupid, horrible disease.

OP, if your spouse wants it and you don't, then don't do it. Let them live near you somewhere. Why are they moving?

If you HAVE to have them with you, an entire separate in-law suite may be a lifesaver for you. And begin as you mean to go on, as the saying goes. Set up expectations and firm boundaries if you don't want them completely interwoven into your day-to-day life. I'm the PP who asked you all those questions. My in-law just has a bedroom and bath on the same floor as our bedroom, and no separate living room or kitchenette. He is ALWAYS around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It was my parents, not ILs, who actually took us in. They couldn't manage stairs anymore and we have a completed basement (in-law suite?) with full kitchen and bath.

We were newly married and had a son that was the spitting image of my dad. They stated their case for four months before I agreed.

All it amounted to was me making extra food at every meal to relieve my mother of the chore, and taking DS down for visits every once in a while. Maybe I helped them with their tv or something. Very light work on my part. I did have to deal with them having, of course, full run of the house. That meant no entertaining while they were still alive and moving out of the living room whenever they wanted to watch something upstairs.

But, I have beautiful memories of my very sick father playing with my son. And, my mother loved to feed DS. I have a picture of her stealing his food, which is really funny. My mother had very, very long hair that I would blow out for her while we chatted or watched one of her Lifetime shows.

I have no regrets. Their ashes are still in the house. They spent their lives taking care of me. I had the honor of giving back before they were gone.

I sleep well at night knowing that I lived up to my own sense of myself. That's something no one can take away from you.

thank you for this. i feel this is what going through my spouse's head that i wasnt considering.

Ummm. Late 60's is not old. Your in-laws could easily be in your home for 20 or more years. Just be reasonably certain that you will be content with opening up your home and sharing your family life with your in-laws for decades to come. They could quite literally outlive you and/or your spouse.

Mine stay with us for weeks and sometimes months at a time. We like it. There are some unsolicited opinions, but we just brush them off. They're a big help with the kids and our kids love having them around.

Anonymous wrote:I'd rather die tied up in a nursing home before living with my DIL and son. She'd probably starve me, make me babysit, he'd let her.

What I don't get is why your in laws didn't prepare for old age considering their kids and hateful spouses never intended to care for them.

Whoa. I'll bet your DIL is o.k. with you not living with them, too....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are living with the inlaws for a few months while we sell our home and buy a new one (out of state).

It's going well- our dog has company during the day and gourmet meals. They help with childcare/drop off and pick up. Their cooking is out of this world and they don't let us cook. We have to push it for them to let us help them clean. Often they do our kids or our laundry. I may never move out. DH is ready for our own place I think though.

Your in-laws may be as well.

You would think! But they've asked us to stay longer and our new house doesn't really need any work but they've told us we should repaint and redo the floors and stay here. Cool!

I'm entering into an arrangement with his dad to continue to cook meals and we'll pick up the kids from their place every day and I'll pay for the meals and return the Tupperware daily. Awesome.

Anonymous wrote:We are living with the inlaws for a few months while we sell our home and buy a new one (out of state).

It's going well- our dog has company during the day and gourmet meals. They help with childcare/drop off and pick up. Their cooking is out of this world and they don't let us cook. We have to push it for them to let us help them clean. Often they do our kids or our laundry. I may never move out. DH is ready for our own place I think though.

Your in-laws may be as well.

Anonymous wrote:
It was my parents, not ILs, who actually took us in. They couldn't manage stairs anymore and we have a completed basement (in-law suite?) with full kitchen and bath.

We were newly married and had a son that was the spitting image of my dad. They stated their case for four months before I agreed.

All it amounted to was me making extra food at every meal to relieve my mother of the chore, and taking DS down for visits every once in a while. Maybe I helped them with their tv or something. Very light work on my part. I did have to deal with them having, of course, full run of the house. That meant no entertaining while they were still alive and moving out of the living room whenever they wanted to watch something upstairs.

But, I have beautiful memories of my very sick father playing with my son. And, my mother loved to feed DS. I have a picture of her stealing his food, which is really funny. My mother had very, very long hair that I would blow out for her while we chatted or watched one of her Lifetime shows.

I have no regrets. Their ashes are still in the house. They spent their lives taking care of me. I had the honor of giving back before they were gone.

I sleep well at night knowing that I lived up to my own sense of myself. That's something no one can take away from you.

thank you for this. i feel this is what going through my spouse's head that i wasnt considering.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my in-law is merely staying with us for a few months, and it's DRIVING ME BATTY!

Why are your in-laws living with you?

its what my spouse wants.

How old are they?
nearing 70


What's your guest set-up? Do they have a separate space?
shopping for house. apparently a bedroom is not enough so we will be spending 30k more for an inlaw suite.

Are you and your spouse doing all the cooking and looking after them
no. they will have their own kitchenette area. they are healthy.

, do they pitch in, or are they pretty independent?
im guessing childcare..they are pretty independent.


How does your spouse feel about it?
not sure. spouse feels that it is a way to "return a payment" like its owed/expected?.


Any siblings who could share the burden?
yes there are siblings, but seem to take the approach of "things will work out" mentality. it seems they a relying on my spouse.

I'm involved with some groups with members who are nearing 70 and also have relatives in that age group, and they are all very healthy and active. 70 just isn't as "old" as it was a couple of decades ago. None of the people I know this age would want to give up their independence to live with their adult children.
They all have their own homes and are not ready to move out.

Do your in laws have their own home now? Why do they want to move from wherever they are now? Are they okay financially?

I think having seperate space is key. So while it may cost more, having an in-law suite is really a bonus for you. It gives everyone space and privacy.

I could do this with my mother and maybe my FIL. Maybe my dad (definitely not with my step-mother). And NO WAY with my MIL.

I'd rather die tied up in a nursing home before living with my DIL and son. She'd probably starve me, make me babysit, he'd let her.

What I don't get is why your in laws didn't prepare for old age considering their kids and hateful spouses never intended to care for them.