Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a very stable UMC family (grandparents were UMC, parents were UMC, I went to law school and was on my way to being UMC).

Then I bought into the "love is blind" crap and married someone who grew up poor, but through loans and scholarships put himself through law school, and secured a good job (not big law, but decent six figure income).

He has horrible, ingrained financial habits, that despite our high combined income (we make about the same amount of money), are tanking us financially.

I feel so stupid and ashamed.

Like what? Why don't you do 100% of the money management?

Because he won't let me. He took out credit cards in both of our names without telling me, and ran up about $40k in debt. I found out about them in April when I checked my credit report. He borrowed $50k against his 401k without telling me. He withheld his taxes as if he was head of household with three exemptions, and I didn't find out until I went to do our taxes. If there is money in the account, he spends it.

I have created a scorched earth budget to pay off the cc debt by the end of the year (I used savings to cover the tax bill), but I am afraid that when I pay them off, he will run them up again.

He will not discuss this with me, and he will not go to counseling. It is a nightmare.

This is not a money management problem, or a class problem, this is an honesty problem.

Agreed. And I would second a credit freeze and two card him into counseling

My husband had LMC roots and he's excellent at managing money.

I might go so far as to legally divorce him -- stay in the relationship, if you must, but someone who will not admit a problem, sneaks around to incur more debt, can't control spending, and won't seek help is going to take you down with him. I am also married to someone who grew up poor and had pretty much zero in the money management skills when we first got together (he says if you never have money, you never learn how to handle anything over what you need to survive), but he's a smart guy and learned quickly. He manages his portion of our yours-mine-and-ours arrangement differently (not necessarily worse) than I handle the mine and ours portions, but he's not a liability.

PP here. I did not mean to insinuate that as a rule, poor or LMC people cannot handle money. The man I married cannot handle money, and because I grew up never worrying about money, I didn't see the early warning signs. I was really naive.

I do appreciate everyone's advice though. I will look into a credit freeze. He flat out refuses counseling. I have asked repeatedly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a decedent of Cornelius Vanderbilt. Many of my great uncles pissed away family money.

Decedent indeed.

Must be a ghost typing.

I grew up middle class in an upper middle class area, and was so poor I was on food stamps and was excused from having to pay the fine for not having Obamacare because I was too poor to pay for it. I am currently less poor but still poor enough I am campaigning the company I work at to allow people to cash out their vacation time if they don't want to take it.

It's mostly fine - I always knew I was going to struggle to be middle class. Other people go out with friends to see a movie and then get drinks. I go see the matinee and sneak a bottle of water in by hiding it in my purse. I'm the only one of my relatives (on both sides of the family) who has never left the country. It's actually most frustrating when I go to a party thrown by rich relatives. Because they all stand around agreeing how much better Italy was than France, and making plans to do the Kentucky bourbon trail, or comparing their Tieks, and I'm ... just listening and asking questions, until I can no longer fake giving a shit about stuff I'll never experience. Then I go play with the dog, or a baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a very stable UMC family (grandparents were UMC, parents were UMC, I went to law school and was on my way to being UMC).

Then I bought into the "love is blind" crap and married someone who grew up poor, but through loans and scholarships put himself through law school, and secured a good job (not big law, but decent six figure income).

He has horrible, ingrained financial habits, that despite our high combined income (we make about the same amount of money), are tanking us financially.

I feel so stupid and ashamed.

Like what? Why don't you do 100% of the money management?

Because he won't let me. He took out credit cards in both of our names without telling me, and ran up about $40k in debt. I found out about them in April when I checked my credit report. He borrowed $50k against his 401k without telling me. He withheld his taxes as if he was head of household with three exemptions, and I didn't find out until I went to do our taxes. If there is money in the account, he spends it.

I have created a scorched earth budget to pay off the cc debt by the end of the year (I used savings to cover the tax bill), but I am afraid that when I pay them off, he will run them up again.

He will not discuss this with me, and he will not go to counseling. It is a nightmare.

This is not a money management problem, or a class problem, this is an honesty problem.

Agreed. And I would second a credit freeze and two card him into counseling

My husband had LMC roots and he's excellent at managing money.

I might go so far as to legally divorce him -- stay in the relationship, if you must, but someone who will not admit a problem, sneaks around to incur more debt, can't control spending, and won't seek help is going to take you down with him. I am also married to someone who grew up poor and had pretty much zero in the money management skills when we first got together (he says if you never have money, you never learn how to handle anything over what you need to survive), but he's a smart guy and learned quickly. He manages his portion of our yours-mine-and-ours arrangement differently (not necessarily worse) than I handle the mine and ours portions, but he's not a liability.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a very stable UMC family (grandparents were UMC, parents were UMC, I went to law school and was on my way to being UMC).

Then I bought into the "love is blind" crap and married someone who grew up poor, but through loans and scholarships put himself through law school, and secured a good job (not big law, but decent six figure income).

He has horrible, ingrained financial habits, that despite our high combined income (we make about the same amount of money), are tanking us financially.

I feel so stupid and ashamed.

Like what? Why don't you do 100% of the money management?

Because he won't let me. He took out credit cards in both of our names without telling me, and ran up about $40k in debt. I found out about them in April when I checked my credit report. He borrowed $50k against his 401k without telling me. He withheld his taxes as if he was head of household with three exemptions, and I didn't find out until I went to do our taxes. If there is money in the account, he spends it.

I have created a scorched earth budget to pay off the cc debt by the end of the year (I used savings to cover the tax bill), but I am afraid that when I pay them off, he will run them up again.

He will not discuss this with me, and he will not go to counseling. It is a nightmare.

This is not a money management problem, or a class problem, this is an honesty problem.

Agreed. And I would second a credit freeze and two card him into counseling

My husband had LMC roots and he's excellent at managing money.

I'm in that situation. My father was a surgeon in a small rural town. Growing up I had private school, extracurriculars, vacations to Vaillancourt and to europe. But my parents also really modeled living within your means, saving and not carying any kind of consumer debt.

Fast forward to now I work in education in my husband works in IT. We have a combined household income of around 120k. We''re pretty good at managing our money. I don't see myself as being poor or broke (I'm sure by DCUM standards I am). We live a pretty frugal life, splurge on some things and save on others.

I would say that my parents are pretty proud of me. I know that they had hoped I would become a lawyer but I think I would absolutely miserable doing that. Im.happy that I have a job that I love doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a very stable UMC family (grandparents were UMC, parents were UMC, I went to law school and was on my way to being UMC).

Then I bought into the "love is blind" crap and married someone who grew up poor, but through loans and scholarships put himself through law school, and secured a good job (not big law, but decent six figure income).

He has horrible, ingrained financial habits, that despite our high combined income (we make about the same amount of money), are tanking us financially.

I feel so stupid and ashamed.

Like what? Why don't you do 100% of the money management?

Because he won't let me. He took out credit cards in both of our names without telling me, and ran up about $40k in debt. I found out about them in April when I checked my credit report. He borrowed $50k against his 401k without telling me. He withheld his taxes as if he was head of household with three exemptions, and I didn't find out until I went to do our taxes. If there is money in the account, he spends it.

I have created a scorched earth budget to pay off the cc debt by the end of the year (I used savings to cover the tax bill), but I am afraid that when I pay them off, he will run them up again.

He will not discuss this with me, and he will not go to counseling. It is a nightmare.

This is not a money management problem, or a class problem, this is an honesty problem.

Anonymous wrote:[

Because he won't let me. He took out credit cards in both of our names without telling me, and ran up about $40k in debt. I found out about them in April when I checked my credit report. He borrowed $50k against his 401k without telling me. He withheld his taxes as if he was head of household with three exemptions, and I didn't find out until I went to do our taxes. If there is money in the account, he spends it.

I have created a scorched earth budget to pay off the cc debt by the end of the year (I used savings to cover the tax bill), but I am afraid that when I pay them off, he will run them up again.

He will not discuss this with me, and he will not go to counseling. It is a nightmare.

Would placing a credit freeze on your profile help? I think that might make it impossible for him to open credit in your name.

The 3 people I can think of in this boat all grew up in the 90s with doctor dads -- 2 high end specialists and a surgeon -- and SAHMs. Yet the 3 kids ended up: (i) working at a small non profit despite an ivy MBA; (ii) working for Bloomberg in a litigation support kind of role (no JD); and (iii) working as an OR nurse. So unlike their dads, all -- except the OR nurse -- definitely went for short hours/work life balance etc. and are compensated accordingly. But they are still doing better than your average lit support guy; non profit workers; or nurse bc they had school fully paid for and I suspect the dads gave them hefty down payments as these people own homes in Manhattan; Brooklyn; and Bethesda.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a decedent of Cornelius Vanderbilt. Many of my great uncles pissed away family money.

Decedent indeed.

My family went from wealthy aristocrats to impoverished aristocrats to middle class Europeans to us - middle class Americans.

To me it means I've lived everywhere, from my family's chateau filled with gently deteriorating period furniture, to cheap rentals, and everything in between.

I have talked to highly born, intolerant and narrow-minded ignoramuses, and kindly working class erudites.

My middle class lifestyle makes me content. Now if only I had a little more money to travel...

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a very stable UMC family (grandparents were UMC, parents were UMC, I went to law school and was on my way to being UMC).

Then I bought into the "love is blind" crap and married someone who grew up poor, but through loans and scholarships put himself through law school, and secured a good job (not big law, but decent six figure income).

He has horrible, ingrained financial habits, that despite our high combined income (we make about the same amount of money), are tanking us financially.

I feel so stupid and ashamed.

Join the club. Misery loves company.

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting question. I grew up UMC, in this area. Now, DH and I have jobs that, while not different in education level or social status, pay less than my parents' fields. We make about 170k HHI, my parents probably made the equivalent of 200k or 225k at our ages. While that doesn't sound like that big a difference, I worry that combined with the rising cost of living around here, and much higher cost of college tuition, we won't be able to provide everything to our kids that my parents provided to me.

We're in the same boat. Growing up I think my parents made around 250k, we are similarly educated and make around 120k hhi now, will probably max out about same HHI as you. We just bought a "starter" house for double what my parents paid.

I'm a decedent of Cornelius Vanderbilt. Many of my great uncles pissed away family money.

This is an interesting question. I grew up UMC, in this area. Now, DH and I have jobs that, while not different in education level or social status, pay less than my parents' fields. We make about 170k HHI, my parents probably made the equivalent of 200k or 225k at our ages. While that doesn't sound like that big a difference, I worry that combined with the rising cost of living around here, and much higher cost of college tuition, we won't be able to provide everything to our kids that my parents provided to me.