Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

Who is talking about rehab?

Anyway, you should know that in MoCo, if you're underage and you're caught high or drunk by the police, for example in a public place like a high school football game, the county will require you to do rehab and community service. I know several kids this happened to. IMO rehab is counterproductive for a first or second offense, because the kids just share tips. But the kids in the rehab you describe we're probably mostly not sent by their parents.

Anyway, OP should tell his wife. Maybe tell her by email, so she can overreact, take a deep breath, and then calm down. Email often keeps people reasonable and prevents them flying off the handle, because it's a written record. But shared custody means shared info. I'm not sure, but the custody arrangement may even require him to share major info like this. Legal issues aside, if he wants his wife to share things like grades with him, he can't be sneaking around behind her back.

OP also didn't mention consequences. Agree with XDW on a reasonable consequence--she's grounded for a week or two. Yes, she needs a consequence. That's what parents do. It's the same as finding alcohol or cheating on tests. Even if you think pot is harmless and occasionally indulge yourself, setting no boundaries is the road to kids with no boundaries.

Of course they were sent by their parents. No one pays the crazy costs for private rehab except over-reacting parents with money or parents desperate because they just found used needles in their kid's room. And yeah--heroin and cocaine users were in there with the kids caught with a pipe in their room who had over-reacting parents.

Anonymous wrote:15 wiundivorced parents can be tough and weed isn't the scary gateway drug the Regan's made it out to be. Talk to DD and see where her head is at. After talking to her if you feel it's not resolved then include mom. There's nothing wrong with handelig parenting delimias that are rather small on your own. If DD feels that her parents relationship worsens because of her action it may just drive her to need that mental escape even more. Keeping DD as a priority over the obligation to her mother would be my vote.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

Who is talking about rehab?

Anyway, you should know that in MoCo, if you're underage and you're caught high or drunk by the police, for example in a public place like a high school football game, the county will require you to do rehab and community service. I know several kids this happened to. IMO rehab is counterproductive for a first or second offense, because the kids just share tips. But the kids in the rehab you describe we're probably mostly not sent by their parents.

Anyway, OP should tell his wife. Maybe tell her by email, so she can overreact, take a deep breath, and then calm down. Email often keeps people reasonable and prevents them flying off the handle, because it's a written record. But shared custody means shared info. I'm not sure, but the custody arrangement may even require him to share major info like this. Legal issues aside, if he wants his wife to share things like grades with him, he can't be sneaking around behind her back.

OP also didn't mention consequences. Agree with XDW on a reasonable consequence--she's grounded for a week or two. Yes, she needs a consequence. That's what parents do. It's the same as finding alcohol or cheating on tests. Even if you think pot is harmless and occasionally indulge yourself, setting no boundaries is the road to kids with no boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

Who is talking about rehab?

Anyway, you should know that in MoCo, if you're underage and you're caught high or drunk by the police, for example in a public place like a high school football game, the county will require you to do rehab and community service. I know several kids this happened to. IMO rehab is counterproductive for a first or second offense, because the kids just share tips. But the kids in the rehab you describe we're probably mostly not sent by their parents.

Anyway, OP should tell his wife. Maybe tell her by email, so she can overreact, take a deep breath, and then calm down. Email often keeps people reasonable and prevents them flying off the handle, because it's a written record. But shared custody means shared info. I'm not sure, but the custody arrangement may even require him to share major info like this. Legal issues aside, if he wants his wife to share things like grades with him, he can't be sneaking around behind her back.

OP also didn't mention consequences. Agree with XDW on a reasonable consequence--she's grounded for a week or two. Yes, she needs a consequence. That's what parents do. It's the same as finding alcohol or cheating on tests. Even if you think pot is harmless and occasionally indulge yourself, setting no boundaries is the road to kids with no boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:If your ex is very volatile, I wouldn't tell her. Heck I wouldn't tell my DH of 25+ years because he is very volatile and his responses can be very counterproductive.

Consider this. I knew a young person who was sent to rehab for a hard drug. Fair enough in his book. But he was stunned at the number of young people who were sent to this rehab for things like occasional marijuana use or a one time hospital visit for too much alcohol. Total parent over-reaction that really alienated the kid from his parents for a very long time. My friend was on much better terms with his parents (because the "punishment" fit the crime) than these kids were with theirs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The last 2 responses are interesting, but my concern is that a "family meeting" would make it more of an issue than it needs to be. Though I have suggested such a meeting previously to address some seriously disrespectful behavior to both my ex and me, it never happened.

Maybe the best thing is to talk to her, and have her tell her mom, which I will then follow up on with my ex. The problem is that D15 may manipulate and diminish the situation by telling her in a softened way.

Or maybe I ask my kid how she feels it should be handled both with regard to the weed and with her mother. I remember when my parents would say "What do you think should happen as a result of <incident/behavior>?" That was almost worse than a punishment.

Also, it's true that I would want to know and be furious if my ex didn't tell me.

I live on the west coast and attitudes out here are pretty lax about this stuff. I find DCUM forum to be an excellent resource for all things family and parent related.

Thanks again for all the input.

you talk to her, have her talk to her mom, you follow up with your ex.

Anonymous wrote:Show your daughter what you found, and tell her that you don't want to make a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, but if you find evidence of it again, you'll have to tell her mom because it's an issue you'll have to address as co-parents. If your ex is that bad, the idea of mom finding out might be enough to scare your daughter out of it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The last 2 responses are interesting, but my concern is that a "family meeting" would make it more of an issue than it needs to be. Though I have suggested such a meeting previously to address some seriously disrespectful behavior to both my ex and me, it never happened.

Maybe the best thing is to talk to her, and have her tell her mom, which I will then follow up on with my ex. The problem is that D15 may manipulate and diminish the situation by telling her in a softened way.

Or maybe I ask my kid how she feels it should be handled both with regard to the weed and with her mother. I remember when my parents would say "What do you think should happen as a result of <incident/behavior>?" That was almost worse than a punishment.

Also, it's true that I would want to know and be furious if my ex didn't tell me.

I live on the west coast and attitudes out here are pretty lax about this stuff. I find DCUM forum to be an excellent resource for all things family and parent related.

Thanks again for all the input.