I'm sorry you're experiencing this OP. It sucks when you find out your own family is bigoted. It's sort of like when you find out someone you're connected with is racist or misogynistic.

At any rate, the problem isn't with you, it's with them. You could've kept your real self hidden, but I've seen the anxiety and depression that causes, and I'm doubtful that your situation would be better if you'd gone down that path.

The suggestions for therapy and finding a friend group are good ones, as is the idea of finding an open and accepting church if you're religious. Episcopal, UU, UCC are good ones.

Another good resource is PFLAG. You might consider going to a meeting to meet people who are supportive. Maybe after you're comfortable, you could take a friend or family member who's sort of on the fence about supporting you, assuming there's someone who could be persuaded.

Girlfriend, you got to love yourself! Find yourself some gay friends-- male and female-- and get busy living life and quit feeling sorry for yourself! Quit playing the "what if" game. You made the decision to come out years ago; so make the best of it. I came out when I was 33 and I was very fortunate that my parents and siblings didn't bat an eye; however my wealthy, conservative hateful cousins from Nashville refused to acknowledge me at my own grandmother's funeral, we grew up together, we went through a lot of emotional hard time together and they betrayed me. I was crushed. I went to my 15 year HS reunion, and it was miserable and humiliating. When it was confirmed that I was gay...most everyone at the reunion snubbed me. I spent most of my 30s hating and resenting these people and not to mention that I felt sorry for myself every waking moment of the day. NO more feeling sorry for myself. I made myself make a lot of gay and straight friends, did some volunteer work, went to the Episcopal church, see where this is going? I live life to it's fullest every day and you should too! Don't wake up in 20 years hating yourself and resenting a bunch of dumb fcks....forgive, forget and move on! I don't hold on to any that garbage anymore but I certainly do not pander to those jerks either. If you don't love me for who and what I am, then hit the road fart breath! That's basically my outlook on life! I am very successful and have my own life and love every blessed day that's been given to me!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any lesbian friends, OP? Sounds like that would help. It can be hard to find other lesbians but I'd bet that, despite how you describe the male-centric local scene, there are other lesbians out there if you are in a reasonably sized city. Look on Meetup or whatever. Therapist can help provide support in the meantime. Just sounds like you could use more connections with other (gay) people. And yes, dating pool for lesbians can be tough, so focus on friend pool for now maybe. GL!

I plan on following your advice about finding more LGBT (specifically gay women) friends and have recently started attending therapy. I also have some LGBT friends from college but none live in my current city. Nobody where I live now has given me a legitimately difficult time over being gay but at the same time it can be tough when people don't "get it" and realize that just because gay people can now get married doesn't mean that everything is magically equal. I've also heard "accepting" and "open minded" people I know refer to women as d***s with disdain but obviously I don't count because I have long hair . It's less of a big deal for me to be around a critical mass of LGBT people than it is to be around people who are accepting, don't treat me markedly differently, and don't cry foul if I happen to mention (not obsessively talk about) how coming from an unaccepting environment is still "a thing" in 2017 and how not everyone has wonderful one-and-done coming out experiences that improve their lives forever (even some LGBT people are like this nowadays because they got theirs so it's your problem if you've experienced bigotry).

Good plan! It is hard to get started but when I was in a similar spot in my mid-twenties, finding a network of other lesbians definitely helped. LGBT athletic teams, professional groups, meetup groups, etc., all good ways to start. I hear you about not needing gay friends because you can get along fine with open minded straight people, that being gay isn't your only defining feature, etc...yes, same here 100%, but...I think you'll find it's nice when you finally find some local lesbians you connect with. It's comforting to sometimes hang out with people who already understand what you are experiencing without you having to explain. Plus, meeting romantic prospects is additional benefit (the friends of friends network). Things are very likely to improve so hang in there!

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any lesbian friends, OP? Sounds like that would help. It can be hard to find other lesbians but I'd bet that, despite how you describe the male-centric local scene, there are other lesbians out there if you are in a reasonably sized city. Look on Meetup or whatever. Therapist can help provide support in the meantime. Just sounds like you could use more connections with other (gay) people. And yes, dating pool for lesbians can be tough, so focus on friend pool for now maybe. GL!

I plan on following your advice about finding more LGBT (specifically gay women) friends and have recently started attending therapy. I also have some LGBT friends from college but none live in my current city. Nobody where I live now has given me a legitimately difficult time over being gay but at the same time it can be tough when people don't "get it" and realize that just because gay people can now get married doesn't mean that everything is magically equal. I've also heard "accepting" and "open minded" people I know refer to women as d***s with disdain but obviously I don't count because I have long hair . It's less of a big deal for me to be around a critical mass of LGBT people than it is to be around people who are accepting, don't treat me markedly differently, and don't cry foul if I happen to mention (not obsessively talk about) how coming from an unaccepting environment is still "a thing" in 2017 and how not everyone has wonderful one-and-done coming out experiences that improve their lives forever (even some LGBT people are like this nowadays because they got theirs so it's your problem if you've experienced bigotry).

You'd probably benefit from therapy. And I suspect you're depressed too. Medication helps.
I empathize. I don't have a relationship with my family of origin. I DO have friends and support systems through church and my spouse's family. But when I was your age I needed therapy and meds. Reach out for help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some tough love here. You need to take a deep look at yourself. It's not coming out that is your problem. Being gay has some challenges, but in a large city in 2017 if you aren't happy it isn't because you came out; it's something else and you a redirecting.

Or maybe I'm sick of having damaged relationships with my family, relatives, and people I was friends with growing up who never came around. Maybe I'm sick of often dealing with microaggressions and subtle stereotyping after thinking "maybe it'll be different this time." Maybe I'm sick of having a lackluster dating pool in a big but not NYC or San Fran level city where the entire gay scene revolves around men. Maybe I'm sick of feeling like coming out was all for nothing in a lot of my experiences that people like to pretend don't happen anymore or haven't since the 1950s. Things may be better now, but coming out certainly hasn't overwhelmingly brought me joy and I've basically hit a wall where I just avoid doing it now. I could ramble for ages (I promise I'm not always such a barrel of laughs ) but ultimately I feel like I had a lot of highly damaging and frankly abusive coming out experiences in my youth, still find that people aren't perfect, and in many ways feel like there just isn't a place for me in today's LGBT community where everyone seems to have accepting parents and their own expectations for what you should be like if you're gay.

Ahhhh, I see your problem. You are hoping your family, relatives, and people you were friends with growing up will be your supportive community. I'm sorry, but they won't. Stop trying with them. Find new people. Sometimes your family is the people you come from, and sometimes friends become your new family.